Green Again

I'm tired of moving

2008-04-10T08:32:00.002-04:00

but i'm sure i'll be here for awhile

I am giddy

2008-04-09T09:24:00.002-04:00

i just registered for what will be my last fall semester EVER.
*does a little dance*

Of course, as is always the case, one of the classes i wanted is already full *insert pouty face here* but that's ok...

I'm a little torn about what direction I want to take my last year. My grades aren't stellar, but law school was a great experience. I've met some wonderful ppl and quite frankly, I had fun. I'm not going to be unemployed. I'm going to be fine. (i'm going to repeat this like everyday from now until forever)

In Debbie Downer news, I was looking at my student loan debt and expected payments... all i can do is laff at this point because well... i'm so far in debt it's not even funny. I mean like house debt... house and car debt... my kids will be out of college before i'm finished paying off my debt debt... Part of me wishes I could move into a $900 a month apt for 2 yrs, and take one of those $150k a year jobs... and just spend 2yrs paying it all off... but 1) i would hate myself and my life and 2) i don't have the grades for it... soooooooooooo Plan B... find a job that will repay my loans and somehow get them forgiven. But yeah... i'll be fine... (see)

There are about 7 weeks until i head west. I admit i'm getting a little nervous but this summer will be as much about growth as it is legal opportunities. I really want to do well, but I also need to prove that I've grown past the person I was many moons ago.

I think that's enough randomosity for now.

Poor Clumsy Mittens

2008-04-05T09:26:00.002-04:00

So remember when I was "alive and kickin"? Well i'm not really kicking anymore. Yesterday I sprained my ankle for what has to be the 50th time. One day these ligaments are just gonna give up on me and i'm gonna have a wobbly ankle or something gross. Yesterday's incident occurred at work. I was just walking (that's all it ever takes) and my ankle buckled and i felt that pop that is my ligaments saying "oh fuck this" and then the excruciating pain. Luckily my coworkers were there to help me out.

so so clumsy.

So yeah, either i did a good job within the first few hours or it wasn't *that* bad because i'm actually able to walk which isn't always the case when i do this ankle twist thing. either way i really need to give thought to doing some strengthening exercises for my ankles because this is the pits.

Dear Young People, Die... Thanks

2008-04-04T09:22:00.002-04:00

Soooo.... We went to the Stussy grand opening party last night at Chloe in Adams Morgan...

Now... Before I start let me say that I really don't mean to hate on shit... it's just really easy to... and some people/places/things need to be hated on... Now I'll continue

So i'm in Adams Morgan at this party. My first clue should have been the terrible line management (mismanagement is what they call it i believe). I fully understand V.I.P.s what I don't understand is jackass bouncers. Chloe has a jackass bouncer. There was so much posturing and false bravado that I could only assume that his penis is freakishly small. At any rate, the line was halfway up the block and it was raining. And there was a V.I.P. line that was fairly long as well. So they hold the line and start letting V.I.P.s in... cool... but not really. I don't know what took so long but for every V.I.P. there was the dap hug, a little bit of name dropping and then a twenty minute process to get a wristband. After waiting patiently for a good twenty minutes at the front of the line, the kids in front of us ask how much longer they'll be in the rain... asshole bouncer #1 says "gotta let VIP in first"... dude is like "i know but it's raining... i'm just asking' asshole bouncer says "hey some ppl know ppl and some ppl don't". I laffed... like seriously... "some ppl know ppl..." word? Everyone knows ppl. Not everyone is a dickhead bouncer though... that's what he should've said... anyway so the line moves and we're at the front where mr. big testosterone/small penis comes out to yell loudly and be seen. You know the type... white guy, decent muscles, tight black "muscle" shirt with the club logo. BT/SP spends about 5 minutes overcompensating for his SP by yelling at dickhead bouncer #1... something about how he was going to "regulate the hell out of the line"... again I laffed. So Mr. SP regulates the hell out of the line for about 7 minutes... during which time he let about 85 V.I.P.s in... the best part about the V.I.P. is that there was no actual list... People would be standing there. They'd be like "we're on the list"... the bouncer would look at the other bouncer and say "they said they're on the list". Bouncer 2 would say ok and they'd get in. Last night I should've said I was on the list... because clearly i'm on some list somewhere and i think that's all it takes to get in the club.

After about an 15 minutes in the rain (yeah dumb shit, right?), we get in to this party. This is where my hatred of young ppl comes into play....

I lived thru the 80s. The bad hair, the bamboo earings, the foolishness... For awhile I was all behind the kids dressing up in their best 80s gear. I was loving the nostalgia... all of that... but last night i saw some of the worst club behavior EVER. I'm talking bad dancing... Bad attempts at tryna holler at broads... It was one dude dragging this chick thru the club... old girl was draggin some other dude behind her. Finally the first dude stopped and asked dude why he was following them. Ol' boy was like she pulled me along... dude one was perplexed the girl just shrugged and again... I laffed. There was bad dancing in circles, bad dancing in front of the bar... I dunno just not my crowd. I got to talk to/network with some folks but it definitely was not my kind of party. The crowd was diverse... but still pretty lame. I wonder if that's how i looked when I first started going to clubs... i damn sure hope not.

Alive and Kickin'

2008-04-02T07:46:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a blur... I was working with about 1.5 hrs of sleep and everything was just hazy. I need to learn how not to procastinate because that sleep deprivation thing is not what's up.

Several days ago marked the end of the Short Write On competition where 1Ls and part time 2Ls write a ten page paper in hopes of being selected for one of the school's journals. After they submit them, the papers need to be read and graded. I got 30 papers to read... 30... 10pgs long... all about the same thing. Every single paper had the EXACT same structure "In case name the court held..." I wanted to cry. Reading the papers wasn't the hard part. The topic was actually interesting and most of the authors were good writers. No... the hard part is trying to grade blue booking skills. The blue book is like the MLA of law... it tells you the proper (read: nitpicky) way to cite to legal sources... and it gets tedious... like "is that comma italicized?" tedious.

At any rate I put off the grading task and wound up staying up all night Monday to get it done.

My weekend was cool (before that). Friday night we went to a beat making competition. It was Kev Brown, Marco Polo, Best Kept Secret and Anomaly (B's mentor).... all i can say is "wow".

It's no secret that I have issue with Kev Brown... not Kev himself... but everyone's insistence that if i like Pete Rock I must love Kev... and how Kev sounds just like Pete Rock. I don't want to hear nobody sound like Pete Rock. Talent to me isn't being able to emulate someone else, it's being able to do your own shit. Everyone has influences, but show me what makes you special. Friday night I (temporarily) became a Kev Brown fan. The beats I heard on Friday were his. I heard what made him different and I loved what i heard. Unfortunately, as soon as I acknowledged that publicly there was a Dilla-esq beat... followed by a Pete Rock-esq beat. Nevertheless I know what he's capable of and I will no longer threaten to kill people behind the comparisons.

Next was Marco Polo.... got damn. I don't have some long drawn out story about him so this little "blurb" probably isn't going to do him justice, but that cat is talented as hell. I'll definitely be checking for him in the future.

So next was Best Kept Secret (BKS)and well... i mean for me they were the weak link that night. Don't get me wrong, the dudes are talented but I don't know it just seemed like they were the least developed of the contestants... could be me though.

Finally... Anomaly. I've heard this dudes name for the last two years. As i said, he's B's mentor so B speaks rather highly of him. I didn't know what to expect because somehow I had managed to never hear anything by dude... well at least very little. In my true (and completely unbiased) opinion, dude is extremely talented. While all the contestants had really hard hitting beats, I think what set him apart was the "extra" shit that came with his beats... like there were 'treats' sprinkled throughout... it's hard to explain, and I'm sure I missed alot with the music blaring in the club.

Saturday was a chill day and my weekend ended with a trip to the new Nationals stadium. I'm still in awe at the fact that it's like a real life ball park. If i look past the long lines and some of the poorly planned designs I can say with 100% certainty that I had a blast. Our seats cost about $80 for 2 and they were excellent. It's crazy what they've done with that area of the city... the whole city really... Can't wait to make it to another game.

The Roots: Rising Down

2008-03-26T08:42:00.003-04:00

Yesterday we went to Philly for the Rising Down listening party.

Where to begin. First of the event itself was nice. Good food, quite a few familiar faces, etc But the real reason we were there was to hear the album

*sigh*

It's a good album. A strong album. The Roots seem to pride themselves of thinking outside the box. Their music, though always undeniably hip hop, is never a compilation of what everyone else is doing. You tend to get what happens when you have a group of extremely talented individuals working together to come up with a finished project: either a masterpiece or crap. This album falls somewhere in the middle. Black Thought is, as usual, on point. There are songs on the new album that i LOVE (see the last track featuring Wale) while the ones that I don't like just irritate the hell out of me. There's no question about whether I'll buy the album. I just don't think it lives up to the "Better than Things Fall Apart" hype.

Truth Hurts

2008-03-24T14:15:00.002-04:00

Sometimes you really don't want to know the truth. I mean we LOVE the truth when it's in our favor... but when you find out that maybe you're not as smart as you thought or maybe you're not as important as you thought you were? ouch.

With just nine weeks left before i head back to san fran the butterflies are starting to flutter. I'm becoming more and more busy and yet nothing seems to be getting done. My laptop died at a pretty inopportune time. The SO is too busy to hang out with me. My drinking is just about back to where it was... and the stuff i *need* to do is steadily piling up. Add to that the frustration and bruised ego that goes along with not having a job or any prspects in the fall and well... yeah... this hasn't been a good week/month for me.

But enough of the complaining. I suppose things could be worse. I think i'm gonna start using all this alone time to take more pics...not that i have anywhere to download them to... but whatever. i'm also at looking at picking up another activity or two at school. We'll see.

I'm getting too old for this shit

2008-03-21T08:12:00.007-04:00

*sigh*

Last night definitely didn't live up to its hype. De La Soul performed at a club here in DC and well.. I dunno... I left disappointed. The night started off well-enough (kinda). After work I headed out to U St for a couple of mojitos. The drinks were decent but the bar convos were less than stellar. To my right was a black man explaining to the (white) waitress why black women aren't worth his time. To my left was another black man who looked to be in his 40s. He was talking to his boys about the wonderful mind games he was running on his women and how smooth he was. Needless to say his boys were all high fives and chest bumps.

From there me and a friend travelled to a spot called Vapiano over at 18th and M. It was way more crowded there but i think it's a spot i'll visit again. We left at about 829p and went to get in line for the club.

Doors were supposed to open at 830p... 830 and 930 came and went as i waited outside the club. It was pushing 1015pm when the doors finally opened. I should take this time to point out that 1223 is not a large club. If anything it's more of a lounge and for the most part, the club sucks. 1223 is located on Connecticut Ave, 1223 Connecticut Ave to be precise. That's just below Dupont Circle and like just above downtown. The vibe in that place is just always off. Both times that I've been there (I now refuse to go back) the place has just an air of wackness. Like the idea is to have it be this "upscale" club... which is cool but arrgh I can't put it into words. Needless to say, while standing in line the bouncer walks by doing a shoe check, my boy is told that his black nike boots (a dc staple) are a no-go. I had on these so I had to run to the car and change.

At any rate 1015 i'm in the club and my friend David offers a drink. I accept and wind up with a VERY cranberry, cranberry and vodka. The saving grace for the night was that 9th started spining almost as soon as folks walked in the door. His set was cool. Old school songs that you don't hear too often but that make you feel good. Unfortunately, there were plenty of barely 21 yr olds in there that just didn't get it. I overheard this one kid (who pushed his way in front of me and closer to the stage) say "i don't even think I know any songs by De La Soul... and I really don't know any of this stuff he's playing." At any rate after what feels like forever (it's about 11:45 at this point), De La takes the stage.

Now... I have a love/hate relationship with De La performances. Ever since the first "all the beckys get on the stage" incident, it's always been kinda hit or miss with me. I usually go to support because well.. there one of my fave groups of all times... but I tend to notice a dynamic that always bothers me a bit. Unfortunately that negativity comes from Dave who I feel is most talented of all three members. Dave seems over the whole De La thing... I mean i can understand not wanting to do Me, Myself, and I and a host of other songs that they probably hate by now... but his general demeanor is just... wack. Like throughout most of the performance I felt like we were a bother to him. Maybe we weren't energetic enough? Maybe he was having a bad day? Perhaps, but it's not the first time I've noticed it.

The other beef i have is with the song Rock Kokaine Flow. The song that appears on the album features Dave, Pos, and MF Doom. I have NEVER seen Dave do his verse... and there's always a reason/excuse. The time I saw De La in DC at the 930 Club, Dave appeared to be under the influence of something.. that night he just said "i ain't doin that shit"... in CA a couple years back at the Rock the Bells show, he made a similar comment... last night he said "it wouldn't do that song justice to do it without MF Doom"... word? You performed Buddy without 80% of the lineup... a lineup that contained folks that've done way more than Doom did... you performed COUNTLESS songs that were performed with others... but you can't do *this* one. Don't get me wrong... I like Doom (the real Doom... not the fake one that was doing shows) but c'mon... just say what it really is... RKF has GOT to be a difficult song to do live... the breath control it requires has GOT to be hellish... and well... I just don't think Dave has it in him. Perhaps I'm wrong... I'd like to be wrong... But that's my take.

I finally got home at about 130 last night... tired... and a bit hurt. No one wants to be disappointed by a performance by artists they admire. But that's where i was. Part of me says maybe i need to stop going to shows... But EPMD and ATCQ put on GREAT shows... I dunno maybe it was because 1223 sucks so damned much... Either way the night was decent. Definitely cool for a free show. 1223 won't be getting any more of my money though... as to De La... I'm still up in the air on them.

**ADDITION**
Ok... now I'm pissed... I just found out that Dave *HAS* done his verse in San Fran... arrrghhh Thanks Geo... I hate you... but not really :)

And just like that...

2008-03-19T08:30:00.002-04:00

I'm busy again.

There's about a month left in the semester. About 10 weeks until I leave for California. And about a million things that I need to do before then.

Although I'm pretty much done with school, I need to make the most of these last few grades that I get to try to get at least a decent GPA. I bit off a little more than I could chew this semester so I have fallen behind in my schoolwork for the sake of trying to write my comment. The good news, of course, is that the comment is finished. The bad news is that everything else is starting to come at me. I'm also trying to take on more responsibility at work... well at the internship. I am almost positive that my mentor thinks that I'm slow. His assignments usually consist of editing and making grammatical corrections. Now part of that may be him giving me shit he doesn't want to do, but I suspect that he thinks that those are "safe" assignments. Consequently, I've sought out other attorneys and have gotten assignments from them. These research assignments are BEYOND boring, but they're helping me to hone my research skills which is important. I need a self esteem boost in the legal arena and I'm hoping that this will help.

In other news I spoke to my boss about my leave of absence, he tentatively gave the green light. Words cannot begin to express the relief I felt. I cannot imagine anyone else in the world that would let me have another summer to do something like this. I really do love what I do at XM and I'm praying that staying there thru the end of law school will help me to save up some money and possibly lead to a position in the new company (ifthateverhappens). With the economy the way it is, I was DREADING coming back to no job. I tend to be optimistic when it comes to the job market. I have been fortunate enough to have avoided being unintentionally unemployed for any extended period of time... but with all this talk of recessions and whatnot, I was starting to wonder if i was making the right decision. I'm happy for now, but until the paperwork is all completed, I'm only cautiously happy. This also means that i'll need to work my ass off between now and May. Between the raise that I received and the fact that my boss goes above and beyond for me, I need to make sure I do all that I can to keep things running smoothly.

The Recap

2008-03-16T00:13:00.003-04:00

So... I'm back home :(

And by home i mean DC... not my "real" home.

Once again Eric, Dom, Mariam and Vic went out of their way to make us feel special. We ate at our favorite spots and discovered a couple of new ones. We learned how great watermelon hookah could be and even got to ride a cable car.

I had an amazing time and I think I'm one step closer to making the move permanent.

And now... the photo recap:

Gas is trés expensive.. but i won't have a car this summer so i guess it's ok

BJ signed a couple of endorsement deals

There were tons of beautiful flowers

See?

One more

There were cute doggies too!

Delicious Pizza

Amazing sunsets

Dom swears by the Guinness Float, but we didn't try it

One thing that I love about SF is that it's so colorful... between murals, graffiti and colorful buildings, the city is so vibrant and alive:

There are some things you shouldn't do in San Fran...

Museum of the African Diaspora

We got some culture at MoMA:

Then I decided to get creative:

This sums up me and Dom's friendship:

Me, Dom and ID at the Warriors game

I love my city

See all the pics here:

San Francisco 3/10 - 3/15

The Last Day

2008-03-14T12:41:00.002-04:00

So... this is it. Today is our last day (this time around) in San Fran. As usual we've had a blast. Eaten at a ton of great places, tried to spend some time in neighborhoods that we weren't familiar with. It's funny because at this point, when I come to San Fran it's not about me trying to see all the touristy stuff (i *will* make it to Alcatraz one day though), it's more about me catching up with friends and just hanging out. This place feels like home and I love that. One thing that I've realized though is that I have no sense of north, south, east, west here. It just struck me as odd... but I make do.

I also saw the apartment that I'll be staying in this summer. Its beautiful! Lots of light, lots of space... just a chill spot. It just seems like everything is coming together. I don't want to spend too much more time typing because I should be out enjoying myself. I just need to remember to come back and do a recap while everything is fresh in my head.

I Did It

2008-03-10T00:31:00.002-04:00

And now my reward...

At about 3pm today I turned in my comment which *should* mean that I have met both the requirements for the Journal and my Upper Level Writing requirement... which *should* mean that I have 18 more credits to take before I am official law school graduate... and after this summer and taking the journal credits into consideration for next semester.... i will have 8 credit hours worth of classes... and then the Bar Exam...

But for now, I'm celebrating. Heading to San Fran in about 8hrs. I'm going to eat, drink, and be merry and hopefully come up with a place to live this summer. When I get back I'll be turning all my attention to catching up in my classes, improving my performance at my internship and convincing my boss to grant me one last leave of absence.

In other news, the sting of not being able to drive across country has hopefully been lessened. I think I'm going to help a friend drive across the middle part of the country and wind up in one of my favorite places to give away money. Yay?

I also finally got my bridesmaid dress. Well I ordered it and I think i may have fucked myself royally on this one. I know the dress will need to be altered because it's too long. The dress will be here by 6/2 at the latest... the wedding is 6/7. I may not even be there to pick up the dress... I will not forgive myself if I'm mess this up. So yeah... I suck.

There's also something special that I'm going to try to do in San Francisco. It's been a long time since i've done it and it's something that I think I need to do at this point... but enough of the being cryptic. If I do it, I do it.

Vacation

2008-03-06T10:11:00.003-05:00

We leave for San Francisco in 4 days... and I have a TON of shit to do before then. It's going to be a much deserved vacation though. I'm turning in my comment on Sunday then I'm packing and relaxing.

Yay!

Time seems like it's been sped up lately. Everything is shifting... everyone is moving and relocating... and while I'm moving forward too, I can't help but to also feel a little stagnant. I know that I need to do a better job of working on my goals and my future but sometimes I just want to be a little lazy. One thing is for sure, come hell or high water, I'm leaving DC after graduation, if only for a little while, I need to be able to say i've lived somewhere else.

Also, I woke up this morning to a swollen lip... and there's no reason for my puffy ass lip. Didn't eat anything weird, no unusual exposure to the cat... just puffy lip. I'm due at my internship in an hour and 45 mins... i'm hoping its fixed by then because this is actually pretty embarrassing... i need to buy groceries too. So much to do... blah blah blah.

I'm better

2008-03-01T18:54:00.002-05:00

... and BJ's better too.

I don't think I've been that sick in YEARS. I can honestly say the flu picked me up and knocked me on my ass. Either way i'm pretty much better now and that's what's important.

I also got back out to see the godkids today. That made me smile... and then it made my ovaries start jumpin around. I'd really like to have kids soon. I'd also like to travel all over the world without having to worry about what to do with the kids. It's a very interesting place I'm at right now. I mean the truth of the matter is, if I'm going to have kids, I should do it soon... but like... I kinda don't want to. I'm torn. Some days there's nothing I want more than to just live my life for me and be selfish with my time... other times I want a family and all the stuff that goes along with it. **insert sigh here**

In other news... I'm kinda fuckin up this semester. I'm just not interested and that's bad news. I think it's because I'm doing way too much. Luckily this paper is due in a little over a week and then I will get a bit of freedom. For now, however, I must push thru and get this stuff done.

Wish me luck :)

Dilla Day 2/21/08

2008-02-22T21:36:00.004-05:00

I think that I could end the blog with that picture, but I want to at least try to put into words what yesterday meant to me.

For as long as I can remember I have loved music. My earliest music memories are of me and my nephew. We would listen to the radio and sing along... and when we got tired of that, we'd make our own tapes of us playing radio. We'd announce and sing the songs... most of those tapes ended with someone snatching the microphone, a little bit of arguing... perhaps a scuffle, the stop button would be pushed, and we'd run off to do something else. From there I guess I got hooked on videos and more radio. My parents had records but I wasn't really allowed to play with them. I had my own stack of records but I had to have someone else put them on for me.

I remember when I got old enough to work the stereo on my own. How excited I would get everytime i would place a record on the turntable and marvel at the sounds that would come thru the speakers. As I got older I realized the effect that music had on my emotions... Over the years I fell in and out of love with many different artists and genres but my love for music remained constant.

That brings me to last night... kinda... in 2005, I took a trip to san fran... and dom insisted on playing this song over and over again. That's Dom's thing... He'll hammer a song into your head... The song was "The $$" by Dilla... a song that wouldn't be officially released until like 2 yrs later I think. Either way I was hooked and i quickly realized, like a bunch of others, that Dilla had produced like 200 other songs that I loved... ok *that* brings us to last night.

February 21, 2008, was "Dilla Day" at XM. It started out with a panel that consisted of Pete Rock, Talib Kweli, and Ms. Yancey (Dilla's mother). The three spoke on their experiences with him and how his music changed their lives. It was extremely interesting to hear his mother talk about him and to hear Pete speak and to just be so in awe of Dilla's talent. After the panel, a group of extremely talented artists took the stage and paid tribute by playing song after song from JD's extensive catalog.

The night was a huge success. There were plenty of times that I was almost moved to tears (yes, i know this is nothing new) but it reminded me again why i love music so much. I tried to explain it to a friend... It's like ppl get so caught up in chasing samples and trying to figure out what record a producer used on a record, that it seems like they lose sight of the fact that at some point someone actually played the song. Hearing a live band playing these songs brought the music back to life. It reminded me why i love music and what it means to me.

Music is truly my first love. I'm glad that I have people in my life that i can share that love with and that understand it's importance in my life... but enough about all that... here are some more pics. Enjoy.

Grap

Kev Brown

Flex Matthews

Cy Young

J Hill

See more here:

Dilla Day at XM 2/21/08

I am sick

2008-02-20T17:47:00.002-05:00

like for real sick. Not, "I just need a day off from work" sick... not, "i have to finish this homework" sick... but fever, chills, coughing, aching, etc sick.

I guess this is what I get for talking shit about flu shots... but how was I supposed to know that so many people would be inconsiderate enough to come to work/school sick? Either way, these germs have picked me up and slammed me. I just hope that B isn't next. I wouldn't wish this shit on my worse enemy.

I should probably mention that tomorrow is Dilla Day at XM. Know what that means? It means that Pete Rock and Talib Kweli will be speaking at XM. Remember how I'm sick? :(

This is kinda like the ULTIMATE blower. I think I'm going to stay home from XM tomorrow and then head in for the Dilla party tomorrow night. I'm just tryna stay warm and as healthy as possible.

Wish me luck...

How I Spent My Weekend

2008-02-18T11:19:00.002-05:00

So my bf decided that apparently I need culture. so... he took me to the Japan Culture + Hyper Culture exhibit at the Kennedy Center. There were toys and robots and art and just lots of cool stuff. We had so much fun that we left there to get some more "culture" at a graphic design event called "X" at Be Bar in NW, DC. I got a massage and that's about all i remembered... oooo the mojitos!!! Brown sugar mojitos!!! I was in HEAVEN.

Happy Black History Month?

2008-02-16T11:03:00.003-05:00

I'm just... speechless. I mean I guess we should be "happy" that someone wants to help us do something positive but...

Arrghhh just go see/listen for yourself

Travesty

Rested

2008-02-10T09:51:00.000-05:00

I finally feel like I'm back to normal. Alot of weights have been lifted and I think I'm ready to get back on track. I struggled with my first draft for my ALR comment, but I got it done and was told that it was a "good effort"... as opposed to the "what in the fuck is *this* crap" that I was expecting. Two more drafts and it's all over.

I also got elected to the 2008-2009 editorial board (ie the big thing that i didn't want to talk about). The note and comment editor position was my second choice, but I completely understand why I didn't get my first choice so i'm only moderately bitter :)
Either way that means that after this summer I have only 14 credit hours left to graduate. It's really almost over!

I also found out that the organization that I'm working for this summer has secured frequent flyer miles for me to get to and from San Francisco for the internship... this would mean, however, no driving cross country so i need to make a decision on that ASAP.

Friday night me, B, Sha and Jesse headed to NY for the DAF2 party. I got to see a lot of folks i hadn't seen in ages and had the chance to party my ass off. Though the inherent extraness of a couple of personalities irked me to no end, overall I had a blast and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. From Jesse's alcohol induced dancing to Phonte's superior hosting skills, to getting to say what up to Evil Dee face to face for the first time in years... there was just a lot going on. No recap could possibly do it justice. Just like in LA DJ Houseshoes killed it... I'm rambling but it was an amazing night.

I'm annoyed

2008-02-07T23:42:00.000-05:00

If you know someone is waiting on your parking space, do you take your time?

If you know someone is having a conversation, do you interrupt them because you feel that what you have to say is more important?

If you know it's raining/sleeting/sweltering/snowing/hailing/etc outside, do you leave your boyfriend/girlfriend to fend for themselves in the elements while you sit at home eating oodles of noodles?

If you know your boyfriend/girlfriend is sitting at home waiting for you to bring them dinner, do you go 1.5+ hours without letting them know that you were delayed and the only way they find out is when they call because you made no attempts to let them know?

If you know that... I'm just gonna stop. I'm annoyed... and hungry... and this isn't helping. I think *i'm* about to have some oodles of noodles my damn self.

Baby Steps

2008-02-06T09:00:00.000-05:00

So Mickey said that to help myself not feel overwhelmed, i need to start taking baby steps... that way I'm forced to do a little at a time and not end up crazed when I've managed to wait til the last minute. Yay Mickey!

In other news, I'm starting to get really anxious about the summer. I've been kind of putting it out of my mind because I remember how worked up i got about last summer and I'd really rather not deal with that again.... but i just looked at the calendar and I leave in like 107 days... not bad since i started counting at like 250 last year.

I saw the most beautiful sunrise this morning and it reminded me why I'm supposed to take my camera everywhere i go. I almost went back for it but i was already runnin late.

Just a few things

2008-02-05T09:30:00.000-05:00

so... I'm stressed, overwhelmed and generally frustrated. But, I'm still here. I have a buncha stuff on my plate but i'm plodding along. For the most part though, things are good. I'm currently searching for a church to join. I'm kinda torn on the topic. I mean I consider myself very spiritual, but not particularly religious. My science mind tells me this is really all there is, but my heart (and several years of brainwa... er conditioning) tell me that there is a supreme being of some sort that watches over us. At any rate, i've been talking to that being... asking to be brought back to the church and interestingly enough I got my "calling". My best friend, mom of three of the most beautiful kids in the world, has asked me to be a Godmother, but in order to do that, I need to be a member of a church (gotcha, bitch!). So, yeah, I'm working on that. I'm also doing something else that's really important but i don't want to talk about for fear of jinxing myself. I'll know for sure on 2/9.

What else? Oh... Monie Love taped her first XM show yesterday. I wasn't there for the taping but i couldn't be happier. It's hard to believe that my annoyance/perserverance (and hers) has paid off.

It's also almost Lent and i've been trying my best to figure out what to give up. I'm not quite sure yet, but i've got a few hours to pick something.

I think that's about it.

It can't be Monday already

2008-01-28T07:30:00.000-05:00

*SIGH*

I'm tired... at 730 on monday morning and I'm tired. I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned over and over again and i'm not sure why. Maybe my body isn't used to sleeping on a bed? I dunno but i couldn't get comfortable to save my life.

This is going to be a fairly hectic week. LOTS of deadlines to meet and catching up to do. STILL a ton of stuff to do at the new apartment, although I can officially say that the old apartment is cleaned out and done with.

I also need to learn to save money. I'm about to quit my job and haven't save nearly as much as I should have up to this point. I need to quit that. The upside of that is that I've paid off a huge chunk of debt so hopefully that'll make it easier to save.

This is my life

2008-01-24T20:11:00.000-05:00

If i NEVER see another box again it will be too soon. I am literally surrounded by them. I am happy to say that my kitchen is, for the most part, big enough to house most of them... but that means that I haven't been able to cook. You win some and you lose some I suppose (see yesterday's entry).

At any rate, I hope to get things settled this weekend. With the new tv i'd like to be able to watch the superbowl and eat some snacks prepared in my new kitchen. I'm not sure how much I'll get done though because I have a TON going on. Work, internship, ALR paper, unpacking, cleaning, car to the shop, etc etc.

Here's some pics that I think are pretty dandy:

ignore the eye booger... he's a sexy beast

Ikea is NOT for the squeamish

*THIS* is my kitchen :(

At least he has a neat place to eat

Did i mention the boxes?

If you look closely you can see the stove

no words

My day started off better than his...

2008-01-23T07:35:00.000-05:00

So at about 640am I was about to head out my door to work (it's GREAT living 10 minutes closer to work). Just as i grabbed my door i heard pounding on my next door neighbor's door....
BAM BAM BAM... Police executing a search warrant open up!

For a split second i thought maybe someone was playing around until I realized that that was a lot of noise to be making at 640am for a joke. I look out the peephole and sure enough there's the whole damn swat team out there with guns drawn about to run up into this apartment. I wake poor B outta a sound sleep and scare the shit outta him and then I just sit and wait... I mean do you go out into the hall when the SWAT team is next door? I decided that wasn't a wise decision. After things quieted down over there I calmly (ha) walked out my front door only to be met by an officer with a gun who said "good morning, ma'am. Everything is ok"
I wish there was a camera for me to look into and give the "nigga please" look because clearly shit wasn't "ok". I mean granted I wasn't the one having the search warrant executed at my house, but it's still a crappy thing to wake up to.

Either way my day started off better than the guy next door so I guess I really shouldn't complain.

An open letter to Eric

2008-01-20T13:09:00.000-05:00

Dear E:

There is no "wooooooo" for the new apartment. The water smells like sulfur... or rather it did... I mean according to the lady if i let the water run all day while I'm gone, the smell will go away. So now i am back at the old apartment, taking a shower and brushin my teeth, trying not to think about the gallons of water wasting at my new apartment.

Other than that the move went well. If you might be moving sometime in the near future... get you a dolly, son. We stacked like 83 boxes on the dolly. Heavy dresser? Dolly. Going to Ikea? Dolly. I want a dolly. I just want to be pushed everywhere on a dolly. That's gotta be the life.

At any rate, I'm about to bounce. We're heading to BJ's grandmother's 90th bday party!

Hope all is well in beautiful Oakland.

Talk to you soon,

Love,

Monica

Internship Day 2

2008-01-16T08:05:00.000-05:00

I started my internship yesterday. Really it was more like I went to orientation and met a few ppl but either way it was my first day. My initial impression is that I really think that I'm going to enjoy it. The truth of the matter is that I've never had a job that challenged me. I usually tend to take bullshit jobs that pay decent enough without making too much work for me. Needless to say I'm a little nervous about this job, but looking forward to learning new things and testing my skills to see if I can make it in the "real world." It helps that my office there has an amazing view. Not bad for my first trip out of cubicle world.

I also got the keys to the new apartment yesterday. While I like the space and the rent is in my range, I can honestly say that I'm not a fan of the leasing office folks. The guy who helps me is a sweetheart but he's the only one that does any work apparently. It'll be interesting to see how they react when i make my first maintenance call... of course only like 50 ppl live in my building so I would hope they don't take too long.

I'm getting too old for this shit

2008-01-13T09:38:00.000-05:00

so one of the things i've been working on is being more social. Too often I complain that folks don't invite me anywhere... truth is a lot of them have STOPPED inviting me places cuz i never go. So this season the new thing has been going to a co-worker's house to watch the Patriots games. That's pretty cool because alot of other co-workers that I wouldn't see often are usually there too and it just kinda helps to get to know them and make things easier in a professional setting.

Well last night after the game B and I went to hook up with some other friends at a bar down the street. I had one of the best times that I've had in awhile. Good music, surrounded by good ppl. It was just a great vibe the only complaints i have are 1) this place lets you smoke inside and let's just say that today I will be washing my hair, and 2) i really get bothered when ppl encourage you to drink after you say "no more, thanks." I mean maybe it's because I've come from a pretty dark place with my drinking, but I just feel like if someone says no to likka there's no need to push them... I mean where are these peer pressuring mofos when I don't wanna eat my veggies?

But yeah, I had a great time. I think that's a spot i'm going to have to visit a little more frequently.

Judgment Day

2008-01-11T06:33:00.000-05:00

Today I have my annual review at work. I'm not sure why but this ALWAYS makes me nervous. Forget the fact that I've done a lot of good stuff for the channel. Forget the fact that I know that I'm probably leaving sooner rather than later. I'm nervous. I guess it's just the idea of feeling like you're being judged. Especially when it's by someone who you feel like you can't really voice your opinion on.

Honestly, I just want to know how much more money I will be making this year. I mean the reality is, most of us work for a paycheck, or at least realized that paycheck is extremely important. But it'll be a couple weeks before they talk about that portion of the equation.

In other news, I'm REALLY trying to battle this procrastination thing but sometimes, I just can't bring myself to do what I know I need to do. As a result of this, next week is going to be extremely hectic. Hopefully, I'll get thru it unscathed.

Friends

2008-01-09T08:51:00.001-05:00

I am blessed with some of the best friends I never get to see. These are folks who open their houses and hearts to me for no reason other than friendship. Sometimes I'm amazed at just how "good" these folks are. Over the years technology has definitely proven to be a gift and a curse. It isolates us, while bringing us closer. Although I rarely get to spend time with them, I get to interact with my west coast friends on a fairly regular basis which I love. Unfortunately, they're just too far to call on when I want to hit a happy hour after lunch. Either way I love them all immensely and I look forward to spending another summer with them.

0 to 60

2008-01-08T08:36:00.000-05:00

In just 3 days life went from boring to overload. I really need to learn to use my time better. The good news is that I really do live for this kind of stuff. I like having stuff to do. My issue is that I need to stop being so lazy and get this stuff done. I want to move away from my "enough to get by" ways. I want to excel. I have three semesters of school left and I fully intend to make the most of it. I am in a very strange but very fortunate place. I've put in a lot of work to get where I am and it's time for me to start making it mean something.

Things You'll See at My House

2008-01-05T10:39:00.000-05:00

So I bought my camera yesterday and fell in love. I played around a bit and just tried to get familiar with her. The camera is pretty much the digital version of my manual Nikon so the adjustment wasn't too hard. The camera is lightweight, user friendly and damn sexy.

I spent most of last night photographing various objects in my house. I made two very important discoveries: 1) I love the camera and 2) The stuff in my house is pretty boring. I plan to get out and about this weekend to try to come up with some more interesting subject matter. But in the meantime, here's some stuff you'd see if you were at my house:

Fishbone

Buttercup

USB Monsters

Cars

B

A picture a day

2008-01-04T13:06:00.000-05:00

So I was all worried because I don't have a photo for today. Then I overheard rumors of a hawk outside of a third floor window eating a frozen rat. I damn near sprinted up there and there it was!! The thing was HUGE. In fact, it looked like this:

and he was just picking away at this frozen rat. Now i should take this time to point out that i did NOT take that photo. Alas my crappy camera phone would never take a picture like that. But that hawk got me to thinkin about all the random wildlife i've seen in the past 12 months... foxes, deer, racoons, roosters... all just on regular streets. Like they belong there or some shit... the whole thing is pretty odd to tell you the truth. But they make for good picture taking. Which is part of the reason that i'm getting this:

not to take pics of hawks... but to take pics in general. Hopefully i'll get it this weekend. Yay me!

Picture of the Day

2008-01-03T09:21:00.001-05:00

I forgot I was supposed to do this....

Three pics so i can catch up

I like this one because it's so calm. The best thing about the Japanese Tea Garden and Golden Gate Park in general is that, even though it's right in the city, it's so secluded from all the hustle and bustle

This picture is GOLDEN for the expression on Kayla's face alone. I don't know what Brian did, but she wasn't feelin it.

I love this pic cuz well... it's precious. I mean I'm not sure what Nasir was tellin his brother, but Asaad was listening intently.

I need to stop being hardheaded

2008-01-03T07:31:00.000-05:00

There are a few things that I've learned over the past year or so and although I'm constantly reminded of them, I still tend to stray away. But I really do need to stop being hardheaded.

1. I need to go to sleep around 10p. I did it in college and I need to get back on my grind. I like to feel well-rested. My schedule doesn't permit for a lot of time to "make up" sleep, so i need to get it when I'm supposed to.

2. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I have a friend who's pretty good about making it known when she doesn't like you. While I admire her forthrightness, that's just not my thing. I can be the phoniest bitch ever. I'm not the backstabbing type or anything, I just like to keep people guessing... so I kill em with kindness. I've been a people watcher all my life. I like to watch people and then set them up to act the way I expect them to. I soooo should've stuck with psychology

There's more, but those are my main two right now.

In other news, I've given up meat for 2008... kinda. I hate making my "resolutions" public because then everyone wants to try to "catch" you doing wrong... wack. So if i know you and you try to be on some "aha gotcha!" shit while i'm eating meat, I will say "fuck you" and mean it. So anyway. I've given up everything but fish (and by fish I mean seafood), the problem is I have enough meat in my freezer to feed a starving nation, so... I have to finish that first. Essentially, I can no longer purchase meat for my consumption and once what's in the house is gone, I'm done. I had tofu last night... yummy. I forgot that I actually liked it. I'm just not looking forward to the extra effort/thought it takes not to eat meat. Hopefully i'll fall back into the swing of things rather quickly.

Yawn and Stretch

2008-01-01T14:23:00.000-05:00

So this is 2008?

I've been sleep most of the day. And it was that good sleep to. On the sofa, lots of body heat. Quiet house. It was lovely.

Last night was pretty cool too. Went to a party at a club. Watched the rookies puke their brains out throughout the club. i'm glad i was never *that* chick. The whole thing was sad to watch. I mean really... find a trashcan or something. Lack of respect. But I didn't let that ruin my night. I enjoyed myself in moderation and so today i can relax without it being a painful experience.

I've set a lot of goals for myself this year so it'll be interesting to see how it all plays out. At any rate i'm gonna get some more rest and figure out how to make the most of the next 366 days (leap year bitches!!!!)

The Wrap Up

2007-12-31T11:44:00.000-05:00

So...

My bday didn't turn out as bad as I thought. I stuffed my face, saved more than I spent at the mall, stuffed my face some more, and laffed alot. I think I am officially ready to leae 2007 behind. I already know i'm going to break my new years "resolutions" so I'll just think of them as "guidelines". Either way I got some shit i'm tryna change.

Need to shrink my already small circle of friends/acquaintances and just keep a generally low profile. I put up with toooooo much bullshit in '07; I need to change that for '08.

And that concludes my last entry on 2007. I'll be posting something nostalgic whilst nursing a hangover tomorrow I'm sure.

Be safe!

Happy Birthday to Me!!

2007-12-30T09:27:00.000-05:00

So... here it is. 32. Wow. To be honest, I don't think that I ever gave much thought to what 32 would be like. When I was younger, my thirties was just so far off and so OLD. But now i realize that i'm just getting started.

Yesterday I went to what is by FAR my favorite family tradition: Birthday parties at Shirley's. I love that we always get together for bdays. There were lots of laffs... some at my expense... but i still had a ball. Afterwards me and B headed to Fogo de Chão. *blink* So ok, I like meat... but *this* place did things to meat I couldn't believe. So flavorful, perfectly cooked, just delicious. Lamb? Ribs? Chicken? I was in heaven. I was full but didn't want to stop eating. Add to that the fact that they made a good ass mojito? I could live there. Sucks that I'm giving up meat for 2008. :-\

Afterwards we headed to a coworker's house to watch the Patriots/Giants game. Pats won and got their perfect season... now hopefully the Skins can pull out a win today and head to the playoffs.

I think we're going to brunch in a few. In addition to it being my bday, 2 yrs ago today a drunk Monica saw B in the club and professed her crush on him. He didn't run away so here we are today. That's the closest thing to an anniversary we have. But yeah.. food... shopping and football. That's today's agenda.

Breakdowns and such

2007-12-29T11:59:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was an incredibly up and down day and to be honest I'm still a little confused about what all exactly happened.

I've been feeling fairly blah lately because for the most part my bday weekend has and will be a bust. I take a decent amount of responsibility for that but it just seems like all my plans keep falling thru. It's no secret that I'm ultra sensitive and when you throw in the most important day to me of the year, it can turn ugly quickly.

The day started off decently. I went to work knowing i'd be able to bounce early. I wanted to hit up a happy hour but didn't really have anyone to go with. As I'm heading home, B calls and says he'll hit a happy hour with me... Yay. We head to the spot... good drinks good food then within about 40 minutes B says he's tired and wants to rest before going to work. So we head home and i'm like cool. I'll just take a nap cuz too cuz i'm supposed to get up with a friend that night. I wake up, get dressed and head out to pick up my friend. I get about 7 minutes out and i'm told "nah don't come now, run you other errand first." I'm kinda blown but just figured he wasn't done at work yet. Cool. Head in the complete opposite direction to pick up a package at UPS where i'm the 24th person in line. (sigh)

Sometime during my wait in line I get a message that's essentially like "I guess we're not hanging out tonight"... now... this message is from the same person who tells me i should go ahead and handle my other errand first. So i'm like "you tell me"... no response. Basically I got the extreme brush off move. I know because i've done it. It goes: stall, blame the other person, become unavailable. It seriously took about 2 hours for me to get a definite "no". So essentially I wasted my birthday friday waiting to get stood up. not cute. To add insult to injury, when I finally did get brushed off, the person made it clear that they weren't really interested in my friendship by hurling a totally unnecessary remark my way *blink* word? Cool. So now not only did i get stood up, I lost a friend. Awesome.

I headed home and just decided to do homework. In the midst of texting B to tell him that i had gotten the package from UPS I became (probably unjustifiably) upset at the fact that he seemed completely uninterested in the fact that my day was sucking and that convo disintegrated into an email fight. (sigh)

The saving grace for my friday was an e-convo with a friend of mine who's going thru some stuff right there. I was able to be there for him and lend a shoulder which felt nice. I didn't really get much sleep last night though... and around 6am things just really came to a head. I was angry, hurt about the loss of a friend, and just generally blah... so i cried... hard... and now at noon, my face looks like i cried hard (frown).

I'm hoping today will be better.

I really need to stop getting excited for my bday

2007-12-27T12:09:00.000-05:00

In all my 32 yrs I don't think I've ever done what I wanted to do on my bday. Having a birthday scrunched in between Christmas and New Years leaves me feeling like more of a hassle than a celebrant on most occassions. For several years in a row I've wanted to go to Jamaica, San Francisco, anyplace,USA, for my birthday but there's always a reason that can't happen. Folks are usually too broke from Christmas or saving up for the "real" fun on NYE to want to spend time with me.

And so, this is how it looks like I'll be spending yet another birthday. Trying to cram my celebration in amongst what people "really" want to do and ultimately, getting lost in the shuffle.

Despite how "woe is me" this sounds that's really not the intent. This is just my reminder to myself to not look forward to 33 or any future bdays.

Time to Move

2007-12-26T10:30:00.001-05:00

So it's that time again. In about 3 weeks, i'll be moving to my new apartment. The spoiled part of me is not happy about the move at all. But the logical side realizes that it's a necessary step and that i need to see the bigger picture. I just hate having to move all of my stuff (junk). It's a HUGE hassle. One that I said I would never undertake again... but alas... I must go.

Holiday Spirit

2007-12-24T01:13:00.001-05:00

Twas the day before Christmas and all thru the apartment...

There's no Christmas tree here. There are no presents to wrap. No cards were mailed. No cookies were baked. If you look around apt 8?? there's nothing to suggest that there is any holiday right around the corner... much less 24 hrs away. But alas, another Christmas is upon us. Which means, of course, that another birthday is also around the corner. Every year I think I feel less and less in the Christmas spirit.

This year i had hoped that I would be spending tons of money of gifts for Kayla but i just can't ramp myself up to the commercialism that is Christmas. I'd love to give gifts but to see people stressed out and upset because they can't think of what to get is just... tired. I'll be spending time with family this Christmas.

I guess I need to figure out why I'm not big on family either. Perhaps I take it for granted? Not sure but it's something I'd like to get thru sooner rather than later. Either way I'll be glad when this season is over. I'll get another bday under my belt and it'll all be done with.

Hard Work, a Nickname, and Me

2007-12-22T11:00:00.000-05:00

Hard Work
So shortly after Monie and 9th Wonder did their interview at XM awhile ago, she and I started texting/talking about trying to get her show on XM. At that point she was fresh out of the gig in Philly and itching to get back to radio somehow. True to form XM dragged their feet. Until she said the magic word (free) and the higher ups finally listened (since we had been saying free all along). At any rate, I set up the meeting and the ball finally started rolling. Fast forward a couple weeks and Monie and her crew come to DC to record the demo show. The show was GREAT and has been given the thumbs up. She has also asked me to book for the show for her if it came to fruition. I am in heaven. The prospect of leaving XM this summer has me a bit nervous because I felt like I would lose my contacts and access to contacts. With this development, however, it seems like I may be able to keep my foot in the door and maybe get back in upon my return. Merger be damned!!

A Nickname
When Filthy gave me this nickname back in '05. I immediately liked it. Now I remember the significance of the name, but i don't know why he was nicknaming me. At any rate, I like it and it stuck... or rather I made it stick. Either way, I like it. I jokingly told BJ that I was gonna push the nickname for about a year because i wanted everyone to know it. I know that probably sounds dumb as hell to most people and i can understand why but at the same time it makes perfect sense. The name does a couple of things. For those who pay close enough attention it provides an immediate look into my character and who i am. For those who are bad at remembering names, its something silly and catchy. It's unique. I apologize if this is sounding arrogant. Unlike the chick in San Fran that I told to google me, I'm not really feeling myself like that... today. I'm just saying that by developing the persona associated with the nickname has allowed me to have something to hide behind and to put out there, without feeling like i'm letting too many people in.

Me
I've changed. I'm not on meds anymore (although I would like to get my hands on some). I'm managing to be more outgoing. I feel more well-adjusted. A lot less like an outcast. I'm taking chances I wouldn't normally take and although I'm a little nervous, I'm not afraid. I've spent the last year and a half working to create a career of sorts for myself. Bringing artists to XM, making my own contacts, putting myself in a position where i can hopefully get back to the music business that i had managed to fall out of love with. I'm also making huge strides in the law school arena, so that if the music-related stuff doesn't pan out, i have something else to do. In 2008 i want to focus on finding a little more direction. It's nice to want to do something music related, but now i want to come up with something definite. All I know is, I'm happy. Happier than I've been in awhile. I'm gonna keep this train moving til it reaches whatever destination it was meant to reach.

Merry Christmas from Me and Little Brother

2007-12-21T15:32:00.000-05:00

This interview is pretty damned hilarious. Unfortunately it also reminds me how painfully shy i am and how much i hate the sound of my voice

either way, enjoy
http://proghiphop.com/downloads.html

2007 is almost over

2007-12-20T17:44:00.000-05:00

my 32nd bday is *right* around the corner.

2007 has been an amazing year. I've excelled at work, school, life, love, just in general. I'm happy and i honestly enjoy my life. I've worked hard and watched some very important projects come to fruition. I knew i wanted to be make Law Review... did that. I've been trying to get this show on XM for what seems like a million years... it's been greenlighted. I wanted to spend time in San Fran... did it and managed to drive cross country too... Landed two law-related jobs for next year, paid off a significant chunk of debt... it's just a good feeling.

2008 looks like it could be more of the same. 3 semesters left of law school, another summer in san francisco... i dunno... just a lot going on. Now don't get me wrong, I've had some MAJOR stumbling blocks but i ain't dwellin on that shit. It's just too taxing.

I'm realizing that no matter how much i try to deny it, my parents' health is fading. I've been spending a lot of time trying to pull together family records and information because once they're gone so does just about all of my ties to the rest of the family. It bothers me a lot that I'm just realizing how important it is for me to learn more about my family. I used to just think that as long as i had my parents, siblings and their families, it was enough but now i want to know everything. Hopefully I'll be able to pull a bunch of stuff together for them

On: Being Black

2007-12-07T10:37:00.000-05:00

Ok, so this isn't gonna be a "deep" blog.
When i was little, I went to school in Georgetown. Our school was pretty diverse but mostly white. So, in a lot of ways I grew up "white". From the way I talked to the music i listened to... to the peroxide i put in my hair... to the mousse that i tried to use for my bangs... white white white.

Now i will say that i thoroughly enjoyed growing up. I was exposed to all types of things so I don't regret it. My issue, however, is with my rhythm... or lack of rhythm.

To be fair, i believe it may be a hereditary condition. My dad doesn't have rhythm and neither does my niece. It's who we are. But it became rather apparent to me last night at the Stones Throw show. There are certain rappers, in my opinion, that make a career out of rhyming slightly off beat... at least i think they are... maybe i just don't hear the best right. At any rate, Madlib is one of those ppl... at least i think he is... it may just be me. Anyway, at various points of the night i would just be offbeat. It made me sad... frustrated and even confused. I dunno why i can't find the beat, but i often find that not being able to do so leads to being told that I'm not "black"

Now I know that a lot of stuff like that is said in jest and I'm cool with it. But there is definitely the notion that true black folks have rhythm... and well I don't. It can be shameful. Back when i used to go to the club like 4 times a week i would be very careful when i danced for fear that i'd get off beat at some point.

Despite my lack of rhythm, i enjoyed last night's show. Madlib, Percee P, Guilty Simpson, MED, and Peanut Butter Wolf all ripped it. I'm really working to get back into music these days. I've been away from it for awhile and I hate that finding music has become such a labor intensive process now, but I want to get back to it so I'll be making an effort.

Life has thrown another curve

2007-12-04T08:18:00.000-05:00

So I interviewed with the DA's office of my favorite city... and it didn't go so well. I pretty much wrote it off. Yesterday I received the standard "thanks but no thanks" email from them... with a twist. The email said that while they didn't have space for me in the summer program, they would like to offer me a position in the fall or the spring. At first I laffed, loudly. Because how in the hell could i work in that city and live and go to school in DC. But, as I got to thinking about it, it is actually very possible. So do I do it? I mean this is what i've wanted right? As much time as possible in SF? But the fear and the insecurities are creeping in. Who do you think you are? You can't do that. You're not the type to just pick up and leave. What about the family? What about the godkids? I need to do some serious soul searching sooner rather than later.

My love of hip hop

2007-12-03T02:43:00.000-05:00

So, I love music. Specifically I love hip hop. It's been a rough relationship because sometimes hip hop sucks. But there's a lot of good stuff out there and despite the fact that i've been hating a lot of music lately, every now and then i'll give something a chance and be pleasantly surprised.

This weekend was kinda like that. Little Brother came to XM to do a takeover show which was positively hilarious... and terribly embarrassing at the same time (you'll see). I had planned to go to the show in DC but of course i procrastinated and it sold out. The show in Baltimore was Sunday night and I kinda went back and forth before finally deciding to go. Good choice. I've always been a kinda on the fence with Little Brother. I never doubted the talent of Phonte and Pooh but I kinda wavered on their beats because I felt that the 9th Wonder sound was a bit repetitive... but that's irrelevant here.

This blog is about Evidence (of Dialated Peoples). I guess you could say that I'm a casual Dialated fan. Got a couple of cds but never really went out of my way to catch a show. I knew Evidence had a solo album. I even heard a few tracks from it that I thought were dope... but there is something about a live performance that can bring an album and an artist to life. I think that it's safe to say that I am a bonafide Evidence fan at this point. Check out "The Weatherman LP" if you get a chance and definitely don't sleep on the chance to see him in concert. His energy is amazing and his ability to connect with the crowd is unmatched. It seemed as if he was enjoying the performance as much as we were. I will definitely check out his show the next chance I get.

And so it begins

2007-12-01T09:36:00.000-05:00

I have a new batch of stuff to start planning. Mainly how to quit my job and survive. That's pretty scary to me since I'm pretty bad at saving money. I have very little saved and that's going to be the key to making it. I think that the key is going to be putting the money where i can't get to it. I also need to move and reduce my expenses. The problem is that I don't konw if I'm going to be able to move. I'm fixing my credit by paying a bunch of stuff off and closing accounts, unfortunately that's making my credit tank temporarily. I tell myself that it'll pay off when i'm done but... still makes it hard to do other things.

At any rate, I'm all set to start this new hase in life. I'm nervous... very very nervous about the idea of being out west for 9 weeks pretty much on my own, but i know i can handle it. 2008 is gonna be one for the books.

I definitely did NOT lose... I won

2007-11-30T15:18:00.000-05:00

So I got an email at like 2am informing me that I was selected for an externship this summer in......

(wait for it)

SAN FRANCISCO!!!

Sooooooo.... i'll be spending another summer in beautiful san francisco. I couldn't be happier. I'm drivin across country again. I'm working and living in san fran for 9 weeks... just wow!!!!

Now I just need to find some money. Holler at my paypal if you wanna help a sister out.

What a difference less than 24hrs can make

2007-11-29T15:53:00.000-05:00

Life's too short to mope. Shit don't always go the way you want it to... so what. There's a rack of bad shit going on... and yet i'm still alive:

I got rejected for a job this morning. That sucked.
I had to clean up cat vomit today
I spilled red wine on the carpet
I thought I had lost a tupperware container with some food still in it... it was in my trunk
Dropped 4 hair things into the toilet
Put on a shirt and IMMEDIATELY spilled something on it
Got finals comin up and i'm not ready...

i could go on, but what's the point? Bad shit happens. It's a part of life. I could be all stressed out and crazy, or i can keep it moving. *THAT* needs to be my new mantra.

On: Losing

2007-11-28T23:53:00.000-05:00

I honestly don't even know why I'm writing this. I couldn't even begin to really say what's on my mind, but rather than climb the walls I needed to get something out.

I don't like to lose and tonight i lost. i'm not saying things are a "game" but i definitely lost... and it hurts, a lot. i'm tired of losing. i want to win, just once.

just. once.

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T11:47:00.000-05:00

Today is one of my favorite days of the year. For the second year in a row, i'm making Thanksgiving dinner and i couldn't be happier. The menu consists of turkey, garlic mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, apple and celery stuffing (or is it dressing?), corn pudding, greens, rolls, cranberry sauce, and prolly some other stuff i'm forgetting.

One thing i will NOT be having is green bean casserole... that's just not something i've ever had (or wanted to have). I'm convinced it's a white thing... although I've heard that some black ppl make it too :(

I bought my mom some flowers this week. She's ridiculously happy. She calls me everyday to tell me how pretty they look. I'm glad that something so simple could make her so happy. I'm thankful for having such an amazing family. I wish i could do more to keep them happy.

I'm kind of rambling cuz i'm worried about the food in the kitchen so i think i'm bout to bounce.

Happy Thanksgiving. Enjoy your family and friends today!

1-0

2007-11-19T08:37:00.000-05:00

That's my official record. I can now say I have never lost a case!

I had my criminal trial advocacy final on Saturday. We tried a murder case in front of a jury of high school kids and the defendant was found not guilty *dances a little*

The experience that I got from that class was amazing. But I realized that I still REALLY hate group projects. My group kinda fell apart in the 11th hour. If it wasn't for one other girl in my group I might not have even gone to the final. But that's in the past. I'd never work with half of my group again, but the class was cool.

After my final I spent the rest of the weekend cleaning, spending money and celebrating my victory. I just hope it translates into a good grade.

Dear People Who Don't Speak or Understand English Very Well

2007-11-16T09:06:00.000-05:00

*sigh*
So...

I procrastinate and as a result i often mess myself up. I accept that. So my criminal trial advocacy final is tomorrow and I waited until today to try to find someone to alter the pants to my suit... yes, i know i'm an idiot.
At any rate, i get to the cleaners 2 minutes before they open... wait patiently until 730 and enter. My FIRST question "I have a pair of pants that i need altered, can i get this done by this evening?" The woman behind the counter smiled and said "yes". EXCELLENT!
Me: Do you have somewhere that i can go to put these on so that you can mark them.
Her: Yes *smiles*
But she doesn't move...
Me: Ok, where?
Her: Huh?
Me: Where can I put these on?
Her: Yes.
ok we have a problem. So I demonstrate puting the pants on and point to the leg and the pins on the table. She gets it! So she shows me to the back. She pins the pants and i'm ready to bounce.
She says "$13" ok.
Me: I'll pay now because i may have someone else pick them up.
Her: Yes *smiles*
I hand her my card, she swipes it, hands me my receipt.
Her: Monday at 2pm
Me: Excuse me?
Her: Ready Monday 2pm
Me: The first question I asked you when i walked in here was could they be done today
Her: oh. No same day.
Me: ...
Her: Monday?
Me: No. Put the money back on my card please
Her: No.
Me:... No?
Her: Computer has money. Monday?
Me:...................*sigh* I need these pants by 8am tomorrow.
Her: Oh... no same day
Me: I know, please just give me a refund. Cancel the transaction. Give me my money back
Well now she's perplexed because aparently she's never had to operated the credit card machine in that way.
20 minutes later I walked out with the pants and $13 in cash. I then sat in traffic for an hour... it's going to be one of those days.

I thought things were going good

2007-11-13T09:04:00.000-05:00

So the end of the semester is upon me. Cramming for finals, thinking about my bday (am I really about to be 32?), making plans for the holiday... this is usually when i get hit the hardest. Everything comes crashing down leaving me anxious and depressed. I thought I was doing good this year. I felt a bit untouchable. I figured out how to keep my job and do my externship. I figured out that even if my loan situation at school doesn't work out, i'll still be able to pay. Things are truly looking up.
But the anxiety is creeping in. The urge to be a recluse is slowly but surely finding it's way back to my brain. It doesn't help that i broke up with my therapist... and by broke up i mean i just stopped going to my appointments. She'll be alright, she knows i don't like confrontation :-\

I'm also becoming increasingly annoyed with just about everyone and everything. I'm tired of ppl in general. Tired of being interviewed for positions i don't get. Tired of feeling like i'm in a rut. I know there's a light somewehre at the end of this tunnel but it's taking long as hell to get there.

ouch

2007-11-06T16:06:00.000-05:00

My back is broken

Ok not "broken" but there's a muscle issue. I went to the doctor this morning and after ruling out kidney problems he prescribed me some anti-inflammatory drugs and told me to take it easy. He also repeatedly looked me over and asked me about heart problems, diabetes related issues and told me i need to come in for a physical.

I need to lose weight. The pain i feel and the general unhappiness I've been experiencing would improve exponentially if I did that... so I will... as soon as my back stops hurting...

So some"one" is following me

2007-11-02T09:35:00.000-04:00

I don't usually talk about this stuff... and i hate that it's so close to Halloween but it's been bothering me for awhile now and i said i wanted to do more to keep track of these kinds of things.

So ever since i was little i've felt fairly aware of presences. Not necessarily "ghosts" or "spirits" but just a heightened sense of awareness for energy around me. I attribute that to most of why i "hate" people. Too much energy annoys me and the more people i'm around, the harder it is to sort out. If I don't like the energy or vibe that someone gives off, I'm out because I'm too sensitive to it and it'll fuck me up in the long run.

At anyrate someone (or someone's energy) is following me and i don't know who it is. There's a constant presence there and I'm not really sure how i feel about it. It's not uncomfortable but it's not pleasant either. It's just there. I've thought about it alot and i'm not even sure where i picked up this energy. it was there before denver, but not in chicago... but not immediately after chicago.

That narrows it down to like a two and a half day period but i don't think i went anywhere that i wouldn't normally be. I know I probably sound like a damn weirdo and I wish i could make other people feel it. but i guess it's just me. maybe it's me trying to catch up with myself?

I'm not really stressing it for now. It's just one more thing on my mind though. Kinda frustrating but until i figure out who it is and/or what they want, I might just have to deal with it.

I sliced my finger open

2007-10-28T21:01:00.000-04:00

not in a bloody way... but in that the top layer of skin is sliced and it hurts a little kind of way. I think it'd feel better if i put a band-aid on it, but it's not bleeding so i can't/won't do that.

The past two weekends have been a blur. We went to Chicago last week for a party and to see some friends. It made me happy. I laff a lot more when i'm not in DC.

This weekend we headed to Denver. I was there on business but i dragged BJ along so we could catch Game 3 of the World Series. Friday night was the third annual team dinner at the Buckhorn Exchange. I had the yak and the ostrich... YUMMY. Both were quite delicious but the yak killed it. I also had some rattlesnake which was kinda eh. All in all the meal was great.

The people in Denver were amazingly nice. Friday we headed to a party after the dinner hosted by DJ Low Key. He's a cool cat and probably as big a Pete Rock fan as me. He was djing at a rooftop party which was pretty cool. We slept thru most of Saturday but wound up at the Original Pancake House about 20 minutes before it closed. From there we went off in search of mountains... and couldn't find them. I mean i googled, mapquested and everything else i could think of but we just couldn't find those sons of bitches. So we went back to the room to nap some more (thin, dry air makes you thirsty and sleepy)and then headed to the game.
It ws cold. Plain and simple.
But the Red Sox won so i was happy.

We woke up at about 3am this morning to catch our 6am flight back to DC... too bad the plane didnt really leave until 9am :( Oops

I'm home safe and sound now, full of spaghetti and ready to go to sleep.

I Wish I Could Have Said Something

2007-10-17T00:10:00.001-04:00

Today I was doing some research for the Admin Law Review and came across a database of newspapers. On a whim I looked up some newspaper articles about a friend who had shot this guy. It was the trial i was supposed to testify at. The trial at which I was threatened. His lawyer wanted to call me as a character witness. I didn't even know what that meant back then. All I knew was that they said they would kill me/us if we testified. His lawyer wanted these two prep school graduates, these two college freshman to testify. She wanted these outstanding citizens to testify to how they were friends with the shooter. We were 18 and scared for our lives.

She never asked us our version of what happened. Never realized that we held the key to the self defense claim that she was using for her client. She never even believed her own client's version of the events of 12/29/92. The detectives never asked either. It really wasn't their place though. But I didn't know he was getting railroaded. After the event, I wasn't allowed to read the newspaper. I wasn't really allowed to watch the news. If I did I would've known. I would've heard that the prosecutor was saying that i was with him, when the victim innocently said hi to me and that my friend.. a monster.... lashed out and viciously killed him. If I had known I would have told someone. I would've told them that as i sat at the table the victim came up to me and made lude comments. I would have said that as my friend walked past he said something to me. I would have mentioned how the victim chased after my friend and how everyone at the table agreed that the victim had been looking for a fight all night...

But i didn't know and I didn't speak up. And they didn't do their job. And they didn't ask. And now, some 15 yrs later, i feel guilty. But that's the story of my life it seems. Looking back after the fact and wishing i had done something. I don't know if those guys would have really killed us. It wasn't a gamble i wanted to take. I don't know why no one ever asked us what happened. It seems like a simple part of an investigation to talk to witnesses. I don't know why life seemed to speed up so much after that. I don't know so many things... Some things I want the answers to and some I'm trying to let go of. I just want to stop living with so many regrets. I think this may have been my wake up call.

We'll see

Pete is mad and I couldn't be happier

2007-10-14T22:02:00.000-04:00

That's the new (to me) Pete Rock. He's angry and rightfully so. I'm not really sure why Pete doesn't get the respect he deserves, but he gets a little of the frustration off his chest now. I can't wait to hear the new album. For now enjoy. And yes, he's writing his own lyrics and doing a good job at it.

Enjoy, bitches.

Interviews, Piercings, and Pregnancy

2007-10-14T01:08:00.000-04:00

I'll go ahead and get the last one out of the way first. No, it ain't me. It's my niece. I'm toggling between joy, fear and jealousy. I sometimes wonder if all of "i hate babies" talk has in some way jinxed/doomed me to a childless existence. Then I think about alllll the other stuff I've talked shit about and realize that that probably isn't the case. But yes, she's having a baby and I wish her all the best.

I had my interview with the organization in Berkeley on Thursday. I have NO clue how it went. I mean I don't think I said anything too off the wall or even remotely off the wall. The lady and I seemed to get along well enough and often, after I'd say something she'd say how that would be an asset to the org. I thought maybe that was an unconscious clue to me that I should do more to relate the answers to the org but then the direction changed so I didn't get the chance.

I went to NY for the day today and walked my poor little feet off. I'm pretty achy right now but lord knows i needed the exercise. While I was there I got my other tragus pierced. The guy that did it was really cool and offered to show me several of his piercings.... Not in a perverted way... more in a "damnit i have my butt pierced and i need someone to see this shit" (no pun intended). I politely declined. I also politely declined when he asked me if i wanted to see some pics of him doing suspension work... ummm ewwwwww

I think that's about all for me. I've decided to go ahead and accept the gig at the DOJ (no it wasn't ever really a decision). I'm not looking forward to the background check but, hopefully, it'll make things easier if I wind up back in the govt. Now, I'm gonna go soak my feet.

So I've Been MIA

2007-10-05T09:56:00.000-04:00

But i'm back now... kinda.

I admit I feel a bit obligated to make this entry but I want to, too.... kinda

At any rate, I've started going back to my therapist :-\

Did I mention I hate her? No, I don't hate her but I need to look elsewhere. This week we spent more time than I had planned discussing how i'm getting old and how if i want to pop out some kids i should do it sooner rather than later. Although I already knew that the picture she painted was sooooo bleak. I'm bout to go get knocked up like tomorrow. So, yeah, I'm trying to reorganize my life (again) to see if a baby could be worked into this mix.

*insert LONG sigh here*

In other news I've got two possible AMAZING job opportunities. Like it's scary to think what the next year of my life might be like. It could be pretty amazing though. There's the government internship and then a summer associate position for this organization in Berkeley. So many possibilities. And I honestly plan to make the best of both. I wouldn't be havin a baby by then so I see no reason to turn either down or anything else... for now. The next 12 - 20 months will be a mix of moving forward and getting ready for a possible new addition. Of course we're still negotiating the new one. We'll see what happens.

I'm sleepy

2007-09-27T08:36:00.000-04:00

I wish i was in bed *RIGHT* now. Curled up and snoring loudly. I haven't really rested in awhile and i'm starting to seriously consider renting a hotel room somewhere so that i may do so.

At about 7am the construction starts. My daily ritual is supposed to consist of my alarm going off at 650a followed by two taps of the snooze bar. By that second tap the jackhammers are already in full swing. :(

In other news, I need a place to live. I spoke to my mom and she agreed that no one in my family really has room for me. She said if i got evicted I could stay there "a few days" but realistically I couldn't stay anywhere long term (fyi, I am NOT about to get evicted. she just meant that in a dire situation i wouldn't be on the street)

Hmmm my brain isn't really working so i'll stop typing now. I need to see if i can take a nap in the "employee wellness room"

I make lists

2007-09-25T08:50:00.000-04:00

So last night I started making lists. I just meant to start with a "to do" list for today... it quickly turned into about three other lists... goals, groceries, furniture to buy, books to read... you name it, I listed it. And when I was done, i felt relieved. It was like a weight had been lifted. Getting things out of my head and onto paper lets me do a few things. It helps me to free up space in my brain. As long as i have that list i can forget all the things i was supposed to remember because I have my cheat sheet. Writing also helps me to visualize the things i need to do.

By the time i went to sleep I had let go of a ton of anxiety and was able to actually rest. I got up this morning and made lunch and breakfast and got to work (almost) on time.

Yaty for lists!

"Bustin makes you feel good"

2007-09-24T08:36:00.000-04:00

The problem with fortunes, superstitions, etc

2007-09-20T22:17:00.000-04:00

so i got that fortune the other day, and i admit to believing fortunes, horoscopes, superstitions, etc when they can be twisted to say what i want them to say. So of course that fortune meant to take a chance and just move to san francisco... this afternoon i got a phone call offering me an spring internship with the government.

that's huge for me. i need that. i mean i had pretty much written off law unless i could work for the government... now here i am with an opportunity to work for the federal govt this spring. i don't know how i could pass up this opportunity... did i mention this is an unpaid internship? There's always a twist isn't there?

The "good" news is that the requirement is only 15 hrs a week. I need to talk to the externship dept at school to see how that will work in terms of getting credit. I also need to see if I will be able to keep my job or perhaps shift to part time. My only concern with asking my job to allow me to go part time or to work something out is that i *know* that once i graduate, i'm leaving. Do i ask for this "favor" knowing that in May I'll (hopefully) be quiting to work in San Fran for the summer? On the one hand i know that i need to do what's best for me, on the other i don't want to create problems for my employer.

i have 20 months to make this all fall into place and i'm pretty scared. hopefully this will all work out and the hard work will pay off.

Todays Fortune Cookie Reads:

2007-09-18T16:22:00.001-04:00

"Take that chance you've been considering"

Stupid Stuff Makes Me Chuckle

2007-09-18T09:52:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I got a credit card offer in the mail. It was "a way to celebrate my heritage."

My Irish American heritage

Ummm...

yeah.

How I spent my weekend

2007-09-17T10:27:00.001-04:00

Well at least the first half of Friday night.

We headed to the Puma store in Georgetown for a release party for the new Yo! MTV Raps Pumas. Performances included one by SPECIAL ED. Now wayyyyyy back when I was a Special Ed fan... and by fan i mean i thought he was cute and i liked his songs. So this was a welcome journey back to my childhood. I'm happy to say that although I don't still find him to be drop dead gorgeous he has aged well and he put on a pretty decent show.

Anyway here are a few photos:

More photos can be found here:

Puma Party - Georgetown

Confessions of a gadget whore

2007-09-16T23:56:00.000-04:00

I like electronics. If i had more money i'd be one of those ppl that buys things when they first come out... just so i can say i have it. I wanted an iphone. I'm glad i didn't buy it though cuz the ipod touch woulda pissed me off.

My newest acquisition is my new mackbook. I love her.

She lets me do stuff like this:

and this:

but I mostly love her because she lets me capture moments like this:

Perhaps I've just been extra sentimental lately but I'm realizing how lucky I am to have such an amazing support system. I love these two more than just about anything and if it weren't for their collective efforts I dunno where i would be. From listening to me rant to just putting up with my foolishness... these two keep me on track.

That wasn't the direction that this blog was supposed to take but i think that's ok.

I'll get in trouble for posting these photos soon enough but in the meantime... enjoy

I need to get better

2007-09-15T13:41:00.000-04:00

Cuz i'm certainly not doing too well these days. I was talking to a friend the other day about fear and insecurity. And about how angry I am sometimes but mostly how i hate trying to be the person that other people expect me to be.

I read a page in an Ilyana Vanzant book once (yes, i could only make it thru one page) and she was talking about how when you change you'll meet a lot of opposition from selfish people. I believe that. Hell, I've seen that. But the fact is that no matter how supportive people are of me and all of my many changes, there's just certain behavior that I'm not free to exhibit.

People see me as "strong" and "smart". That's flattering, but not always true. Sometimes I'm very weak and when I exhibit that flaw/insecurity people end up hurt, confused, mad, etc. I'm also dumb as fuck sometimes. I do dumb shit. Instead of being able to tell myself, it's ok, it happens. I feel ashamed, embarrassed etc and again i feel like a general disappointment.

I don't think there is any feeling worse than feeling like a failure. No matter what aspect of my life the feeling involves, nothing brings me down faster than that. And I'm feeling like a failure more and more frequently.

I'm tired of being angry. That shit is taxing on me and those around me. I need to learn a little patience and to better communicate when I'm upset/tired/frustrated. Lashing out is getting old fast and i need a better remedy.

The return of the counter...

2007-09-14T11:02:00.000-04:00

Two things...

1. If you look over there (*points to the right*) the counter is back. We've decided that come hell or high water, we are leaving this place (DC) on 5/20/09.
Yes, that's a long way away... but that counter will keep me sane for the next 21 months or so.

2. I forgot what two was.

I'm feeling a little better today. It's amazing what sleep can do. I will be running to 3 different parties tonight but Saturday and Sunday are going to be house days with the exception of a trip to Laurel to see the new babies.

Oh.... I remember what two was. The other blog (http://bayandback.blogspot.com)is being turned into a travel blog. Hopefully it'll be full of pics and all that travelly goodness

And I'm out!

sigh

2007-09-12T17:51:00.000-04:00

it's almost that time again... MLB Post Season

I think I had almost forgotten how stressful this time of year is.

More San Francisco Pics

2007-09-05T10:01:00.001-04:00

San Fran... the end

I think I'm going to blow up my life

2007-09-04T09:38:00.000-04:00

**disclaimer**
That should not be taken as a terrorist threat

I'm in a transitional phase in my life and I know it. I'm searching for something new and different. I want to stop spinning my wheels on things that don't mean anything to me and start focusing on making myself happy.

I am inches away from quitting law school. It doesn't make me happy. I know what you're thinking: School, especially law school, is not about being happy. I can admit that, but it shouldn't make me hate every single second of my existence. I should mention that i'm really on the fence with this and i'm not quittting until i have something specific lined up. The truth of the matter is, my prospects for law jobs are slim. I can accept that the large firm thing isn't for me. What I'm struggling with, however, is figuring out what *is* for me.

I had another breakdown last night. Not as bad as the last two but it wasn't good. Thankfully Brian was there to talk me down. I was trying my best to explain what i was feeling and i think i did a good job. I know that there are ppl out there in far worse positions than I am, but my issue is that I can't compare myself to them. I have to be good because I want to be good. i can't become complacent with the idea that someone is worse off. I don't want to be that person who doesn't pay the light bill in order to pay the cable and does the reverse the next month. I'm better than that. There's nothing wrong with struggling when you're trying to find your way, but once you find that, it's time to get on track.

That being said, I'm looking for ways to blow up my life. I know what kind of salary i need to make in order to start paying back my student loans and so i'm looking for that dream job. There's no pressure to it really. I can stick with XM while i hunt. At the same time i'm going to keep pushing forward with law school and law related jobs. Whatever is meant to be will reveal itself. I just know that i have to keep pushing forward until it does.

I was afraid this would happen

2007-09-03T11:58:00.000-04:00

To say i have anxiety issues is truly an understatement. There have been days when leaving the house is just too much for me. I've been prescribed meds for it but i'm even more afraid of becoming one of those ppl that has to take meds to get out of bed everyday for the rest of my life, so usually i just try to push past the issues or just work from home on the days that i can't do it.

The trip this summer was different. I wasn't that person there. I wasn't that scared girl who couldn't/wouldn't leave the house. I think we went out like everyday. And on the days that we didn't go out, it wasn't because of my issues, it was just nothing that we wanted to do. I miss that girl.

From the moment we left San Fran it seems like things started going bad. Perhaps these are just normal things that seem catastrophic to me because i'm looking for reasons to write off DC forever. Whatever the case, I've gone from happy to miserable and it's really affecting me.

A lot of folks are suggesting that I focus on getting out of here. I'm not sure if that's the best approach... well not entirely. See i don't think i need to focus on just getting back to California, I think I need to focus on tying up the loose ends here in DC. The last thing that i want to do is to feel like i hastily ran off from DC and that I just left because i was afraid. When I leave this place, i want it to be because i was ready and not because i was too scared to stay here.

In that vein, we're starting to come up with a financial plan of what it will take to leave. I want to be sure that financially the pieces are in place. I was inspired by a friend this weekend to start to focus more on financial stuff. Vacations and eating out are fun but i'd like to be able to do that in the future too. Remember that fairytale about the squirrels... or was it chimpmunks? and they'd play all day, not heeding the warnings about the winter? That's how i feel. I'm just playing like there's no tomorrow when in reality winter gets closer and closer everyday. I need to prepare.

I'm an aunt again!!!

2007-08-31T14:17:00.000-04:00

Leena gave birth to two of the most handsome little boys EVER.

Mom and babies are doing well as is big sister Kayla.

Here are a couple more pics:

The New Donaldsons...

I'm Back

2007-08-28T11:37:00.000-04:00

After what turned out to be a truly amazing summer, I am back in this "place." I have always been fairly candid about my dislike for DC, but it has multiplied since i have been gone.

Work is still work, school is still school but the unhappiness that I'm currently experiencing is unreal. It appears that I will not be able to return to San Fran to live for at least two years... ouch. I don't know if i have two more DC years in me. I'm going to do my best to spend as little time here as possible otherwise you just might see me on the 10 o'clock news running thru the streets like a madwoman.

If you want me you can find me in the...

2007-07-18T11:41:00.000-04:00

Bay

http://bayandback.blogspot.com

To the East My Brother

2007-07-10T05:44:00.000-04:00

Well, it's time for me to pack up and head home. In about 3.5 hours I will board a plane back to DC by way of Chicago. Hopefully the storms will hold off and I will be able to make it safely with minimal (ie none) turbulence.

From there i have a hair appointment, a few clothes to wash, some last minute packing, a little bit of cooking, some ice buying, a perscription pick up and hopefully a few hours of sleep and then we're on the road.

As much as i hate to leave this city, the fact that i will be back shortly makes it a little less difficult...

and now an open letter to the folks in the hotel room next to mine:

Please stop. I don't want to hear that anymore. Please

Thanks

Bye, San Francisco... See ya again on Saturday!

This could be the best summer ever

2007-07-08T10:15:00.001-04:00

I spent the day yesterday with one of my favorite couples here in San Fran. Imagine if you will, two foodies who enjoy being outside and laffing and having a couple of drinks... like they could be my bestest friends ever!

We ate at Sunflower, a Vietnamese restaurant near 16th and Valencia and the food was great. It was my first time eating Vietnamese food, but i gave it a try and was rewarded. We left there and went to Pride of the Mediterranean on Fillmore for hookah. Another first for me. I took a few pulls and enjoyed the strawberriness (not a word, i know). It was really smooth and i liked that. The highlight for me was the Arabic Tea (which we had two pots of).

From there we went to the Cliff House o lok at the Ocean (and freeze our asses off). Next was a couple of drinks followed by dinner at La Traviata in the Mission. After that I was BEYOND tired. I think i got into the bed at 9:50 and slept the night away.

Today should be a pretty busy day between Fan Fest and the XM Futures Game. I plan to pretty much be on the go from start to finish. Tomorrow is also going t be a long one with an early morning broadcast from the suite here at the hotel to Fan Fest to the HomeRun Derby. There's even rumors of trying to get into the Jay-Z/Barry Bonds party at Roe on Monday night.

Needless to say my flight leaves at 6am on Tuesday so I will be doing my best to just stay awake thru the night so i can sleep the whole way home.

Sweet Jesus! I forgot how much I love this place!

2007-07-07T09:33:00.000-04:00

So after a rather uneventful flight, my coworkers and I landed in Oakland and drove to San Francisco yesterday. The air was crisp, the fog was rolling in and I immediately felt like i was home. As i tuned out all of the "it's cold" nonsense, I looked out the window and enjoyed the sights/sounds of my favorite city.

For the next few days I'll be a part of the madness that is All Star Weekend. A few of my coworkers have already done several things to give me pause, but i just remind myself that as of 6am tuesday, they aren't my problem for the next 7 weeks.

This little business trip has me so amped for the "real" trip in a few days. For now though I'm gonna enjoy this nice ass hotel and the expensive ass food that my company will have to reimburse me for. I just wish BJ was here to enjoy it all with me. (that was ghey)

What a Beautiful Weekend

2007-07-01T23:33:00.000-04:00

The weather this weekend was amazing. It's almost like the weather is trying to convince me that DC isn't as bad as i make it out to be. At any rate we got a lot accomplished this weekend. We cleaned the apt some more and even went to work on the car. I have about 3 more days in the office and then it's time for a much deserved vacation. Yes, I will be working a few days for All Star Week but that really doesn't count. Right now I'm trying to focus on washing clothes, cleaning up and getting ready to get outta here.

The plan is to continue blogging here and on the trip blog (www.bayandback.blogspot.com) hopefully we'll have lots of pics and interesting stories along the way.

On Saturday me, leena, kayla and bj all headed over to my parents' house for Googie's bday celebration. I can honestly say that Kayla stole the show. She played with everyone, laffed, smiled and had a great time. I love how outgoing she is. She's an amazing little girl and i'm so happy for leena and dennis. I can't wait to see what the next two babies will be like!

**random**
I didn't know Beyonce was in the "Happily Ever After" video.

Ok, bye.

FCUK!!!!

2007-06-29T08:52:00.000-04:00

So in ONE WEEK I leave... like i bounce and I won't be back for a minute. Well that's not true... I leave on Friday, come back on Tuesday and leave again on Wednesday. Anticipation is turning to nervousness. What if something happens while i'm gone? I've got a sick dad and a pregnant best friend on this coast. I'm trying to stay positive but i'm definitely making sure I have enough money for an emergency flight home.

Speaking of my dad, he's so damned adorable. He calls my mom "kitty" and we don't know why... i mean we *know* why (*insert shudder here*) but it's a recent development. I went to visit last weekend and told him about my trip out west. He asked if there was anywhere i hadn't been yet and I told him there were plenty of places... he laffed and asked me if i'd ever be done with school. I told him i had two more years and he smiled. He's proud of me and that feels good. It's funny that no matter how old and "independent" i get, i still look to my parents for their approval of most of what I do. To a certain degree i shouldn't, but when their reaction is positive, i guess it isn't so bad.

Plodding Thru

2007-06-27T07:53:00.000-04:00

The closer I get to leaving for San Fran the more stuff I realize that I have to do. Now granted most of this accumulation is the result of my procrastination but there are a lot of other things that I legitimately need to get done. B has been a tremendous help. He's cleaned damn near half the house and that keeps me sane.
I've handed in the last edit i'll have to do before we leave and i've just been focusing on job stuff. I'm in the process of trying to narrow down my list of firms that i'm applying to and trying to figure out something to do with my life. I got exactly zero interviews last year, i'm not trying to do that again. This year I'm doing a lot more research into firms that I might be interested in but i'm also looking at Government Agencies, Non-profit orgs and a bunch of other places that might be suitable. I'm cautiously excited about the possibility of actually getting an interview this year.
Lately I've found myself wondering how different my life would have been if I hadn't had to sit out of school. After my first year, I was denied financial aid. As a recently married person, I assumed, perhaps foolishly, that this man that had promised to love, cherish, etc would step up and offer solutions as to how "we" could afford to send me. I expected him to say something like "just get the federal loans and we'll work out the rest." All I got was, "well i don't think you're really putting in enough effort for me to put my money towards it." "My money" We were never on the same page when it came to money but that was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. That's when i realized that I had no support system when it came to him. I realized that he didn't see the marriage as a partnership and after some soul-searching I realized that we had never seen eye to eye on that. When I took a leave of absence from school I knew that it was only a matter of time before I would be getting divorced.
My mom mentioned to me recently that I don't talk much about my divorce and I kinda just shrugged. I told her i really didn't have much to say about the divorce or the marriage. I think my ex is a cool guy so I'm not gonna bad-mouth him. At the same time, I feel that at times the relationship was mentally abusive to a certain degree and that's not something that I want to relive. I've grown a LOT since 12/18/04, I just don't see the point of going back to that place right now.

The 5am Monday Morning Panic Attack

2007-06-18T12:10:00.000-04:00

This morning i woke up out of a sound sleep with my heart beating loudly and gasping for air.
Today is June 18th... I leave for San Fran on July 6th.... *insert scream here*

I.am.not.ready. Point blank... I'm just not. I need to get my ass in gear ASAP because shit isn't gonna work like this.

Wish me luck!

The Beauty of Jamaica

2007-06-15T00:45:00.000-04:00

I have been blessed a million times over. I have met so many wonderful people in my life and seen so many beautiful things and places. Jamaica may have the distinction of being the most beautiful place that I have ever seen and I was fortunate enough to spend 5 days there in celebration of my niece's graduation from college...

This is my second trip to Jamaica and though I would say that Negril is more beautiful than Ocho Rios, being on vacation with my sister, my niece, my nephew, and BJ was an amazing experience and its something that i hope to do again. Although I'm still waiting on the photos from Dunn's River Falls, I wanted to blog about the trip before too much of it left my mind.

We stayed at the Sunset Jamaica Grande Resort in Ocho Rios. The view from the hotel was amazing. The food was great. There was plenty of time for sappiness and laughs. My niece did activity... and it made her hungry. My nephew drank Likkle Biggas while my sister got lost in the jungle. BJ did a bit of cooning... and we ate some more.

In our free time we took a trip up to 9 Mile, the birth and final resting place of Bob Marley. Seeing the World thru the eyes of a young Bob Marley makes his music that much more meaningful. Unfortunately i didn't get the same sense of peace inside of the mausoleum where he is laid to rest.

It was an amazing trip... despite the 5 extra hours spent in Miami and I hope to go back soon.
The rest of the photos can be found here. Hopefully i'll be adding pics from Dunn's River Falls soon. Here are a few more pics til then

An open letter to my sidekick

2007-06-08T15:47:00.000-04:00

Fuck you, ok?
Who told you to crack?
Who told you to position yourself under my foot?
You wanted to die... and now... you're gone.

jerk.

Slow Motion to Fast Forward

2007-06-07T12:50:00.000-04:00

So now, time is moving entirely too fast. I feel like i'm completely out of time. In 48 hours i'll be at the airport on my way to Jamaica... In 34 days I'll be on my way to San Fran... It's all happening so fast. It's exciting and scary at the same time.

I also handed my paycheck over to this place yesterday. I'm an idiot... but I smell delicious and my skin is glowing. I'm also still waiting on this last damn grade. It's driving me absolutely crazy. I really just want to know what i got so that i can enjoy my summer (and figure out where i'll be applying for a job).

I have a ton of things on my mind but nothing is really coming together so i'm gonna stop now. I'll be back though.

Joy and Pain

2007-06-04T17:28:00.001-04:00

It's like sunshine... and rain...

That sums up the weekend.

There was good food, great people, lots of laffing and even a little crying (yes, i'm the only one that cried). I think we experienced every weather condition possible... oppressive heat, cold rain... you name it, we had it. Of course there was also my persistent neck pain and a brief stint of an altered state of consciousness, but overall it was an amazing weekend.

As someone who is rarely around the majority of the folks that i call my friends, this weekend was a much needed opportunity for me to spend time with folks that i genuinely love and care about. I will admit that the whole thing made me even more emotional than usual but i honestly did my best to control my gayness.

There was also strippers, likka, and some other stuff but i'll have to save that for another blog. I have to start getting ready for Jamaica!

How mittens lost her gangsta

2007-05-30T13:42:00.000-04:00

It's a good thing... i mean kinda. I'm soft now. Well i've always been soft, but it's blatant these days... skirts, makeup, heels... it's all there. It's not all the time, but it's creeping in. Part of it is the heat, the other part is just a general increased comfort with letting my guard down and being vulnerable. There's also more self confidence. I still go thru the ups and downs... but i'm human and i'm learning that even that is ok. I'm growing and it feels great.

And now... a photo that i took yesterday morning... gheyness at it's finest.

It's a Lazy Afternoon

2007-05-26T19:40:00.000-04:00

... if i was a cat i'd purr.

I had a lovely afternoon topped off with some cuddling and a nice nap on the sofa.

I'm smiling

Sometimes I do some pretty dumb $#!+

2007-05-25T22:50:00.000-04:00

Can anyone tell me what's wrong with this picture?
Now i have to decide whether I should pay the $110 to replace it or act like the crack doesn't bother me.

Breaking my toys makes me sad

And another one...

2007-05-24T10:56:00.000-04:00

B+

*dances*

I'm just waiting on one more grade. I realized last night that my GPA is never gonna look good on paper. It'll look decent and i'll definitely have a B average of some sort... but i'll never be an A- student. Which i'm actually ok with. Lately I've been doing research on some nontraditional options for after graduation. I never wanted to be the law firm type anyway so i'm ok with that. I think the government route will be for me so that's what I'm focusing on. Hopefully i can find a way to do that and not live in DC.

I'm a bit disappointed in myself. I've made strides in some areas but i'm sitting on my ass in others. Tonight I'm going to go home and get a TON of shit accomplished. I have no choice. I need to find a better way to kick myself in the ass because i've been lacking in that department lately.

It doesn't help that i've been off my meds for awhile too. I need to stop doing that... that's a dangerous game to play. I'm clearly not a doctor so I should probably avoid playing one with my own meds.

Sometimes

2007-05-21T21:18:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I get my hopes up. I make things into way more than they need be... I envision how things will play out and conjure fairy tale endings to go along with it. Rarely do things go that way. I've never had a fairy tale ending so i'm not too sure why i'm expecting one now.

The dreamer in me is starting to give way to the realist. Moments of happiness are interspersed with sadness. Dreams that i've had are put on hold indefinitely to make way for those of others. Maybe someday someone will want to make my dreams a reality too... I doubt it though cuz like i said before i've never had a fairy tale ending... I doubt they'll start now

10 19 46 51

2007-05-21T16:22:00.001-04:00

10: The number of days until I see an old friend again. That's like the official kickoff to my summer of greatness. After I hug her to death I plan to spend the rest of the weekend laffing like a fool and relaxing

19: The number of days until we leave for Jamaica. Man... if ever i needed a vacation... I hope to spend the majority of that trip laying next to someone's beach, sipping some sort of alcoholic beverage and relaxing.

46: The number of days until my trip to the MLB All Star week festivities. Never been to something like this and i'm really looking forward to it. Although I try to hide my baseball enthusiast side, I'm extremely excited to be going to this event. Hopefully i'll get to meet some folks and finally enjoy some perks of the job.

51: That's the number of days until my leave of absence and subsequent cross-country drive. I have like a MILLION things to do before then so I really need to focus. I think that by the end of this week I'm going to do one last budget and then start tying up the loose ends... new tires, dentist appointment, Fishbone's trip to the vet, etc. I have a lot to do and it's about to get real hectic. I need to get on the ball before I find myself completely out of time.

It's nice to be this happy and excited after being so unhappy for so long.

Graduation Season

2007-05-20T18:15:00.000-04:00

Yesterday my niece graduated from college. Saying i'm "proud" of her doesn't even begin to express how i felt yesterday. Seeing her walk across that stage as she graduated cum laude made me reminisce on how far she's come since she started college four years ago. Over the past four years she's gone from the insecure, immature high school senior to the self-assured, confident woman that i saw yesterday.

Amidst the joy i felt for her, I couldn't help but feel a bit saddened at the fact that I wasn't sharing in that joy this weekend too. Today should have been my graduation. Well no... if i had stayed a full time student and not taken a leave of absence I would have graduated today. I have mixed emotions about the whole thing to be honest. I know that the path i took was a necessary one, and i know that I have learned many lessons as a result... but at the same time, i'm ready to reach the end of that journey. All i can do is be patient and enjoy what i have. My time will come... yeah... i just keep tellin myself that.

Addiction

2007-05-18T09:14:00.000-04:00

I've known addiction all my life. I was born into a household where my mom, dad and oldest sister smoked, my dad struggled with alcohol and gambling, and my brother-in-law smoked weed. While i know it was a somewhat different time then, i knew from a very young age the things that they were putting into their bodies and the likely effects it would have on them.

As I got older (and by older i mean 10), I began to experiment with alcohol and cigarettes. By 12 I had a full-blown drinking problem and had started to dabble in a number of drugs. I spent most of the summer before my 9th grade year in a "special camp" (ie rehab). I have come to understand that i have an addictive personality and am predisposed to addiction. I am also aware that at almost any moment i could slip back to where i was and wind up in "camp" all over again.

Over the past year or so, I have separated myself from a lot of people that i felt had the potential to negatively impact my well-being as it relates to addiction. I'm never going to look down my nose at others for what they do, but because i know my own limits (or lack of limits), I know that i can't be around some folks for fear of spiraling out of control. Although I still drink more than i should and am easily sucked into gambling, I really do work hard to keep it all fairly moderate.

We all have our vices and demons that we deal with. Sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. But overcoming those vices takes strength and support from those closest to us. There will always be those assholes that try to bring you down ("one drink ain't gonna hurt") but when you're able to build up a strong enough support system, it becomes easier and easier to resist those temptations.

I say all this to say, someone i care about has an addiction and i hope he reads this and realizes that I've been where he is and i'm there for him.

Nerves

2007-05-17T08:28:00.000-04:00

I am afraid of most things. The short list includes:
- failure
- success
- being alone
- being around people
- being smart
- not being smart enough
- responsibility
- change
- being stagnant

I could go on but i know you get the idea.

In about 2 weeks my life is going to start moving at a very rapid rate. Between travel, work, school, and having company, I am about to be surrounded by a whirlwind of activity. The *smart* thing to do would be to use this time leading up to that to take care of the other things that need to get done and to prepare so that I am not stressed during that time... well, I don't like to do the smart thing. I'm letting too much stuff slide and it needs to stop. It's just been so long since i've been able to go home and just veg out without some "to do" list hanging over my head. And so, rather than use the time to get ahead... I relax.

My thing is, i am an AMAZING planner. My excution, however, is non-existent. That is going to change before December. That's one of the bad habits i need to break. Until I can learn to just do things on my own, I am loading up my Treo and setting daily "goals" for myself to get things done. I know that I can accomplish a ton of shit when i focus, the key is learning to focus.

Green Again

I'm tired of moving

I am giddy

Poor Clumsy Mittens

Dear Young People, Die... Thanks

Alive and Kickin'

The Roots: Rising Down

Truth Hurts

I'm getting too old for this shit

And just like that...

The Recap

The Last Day

I Did It

Vacation

I'm better

Dilla Day 2/21/08

I am sick

How I Spent My Weekend

Happy Black History Month?

Rested

I'm annoyed

Baby Steps

Just a few things

It *can't* be Monday already

This is my life

My day started off better than his...

An open letter to Eric

Internship Day 2

I'm getting too old for this shit

Judgment Day

Friends

0 to 60

Things You'll See at My House

A picture a day

Picture of the Day

I need to stop being hardheaded

*Yawn and Stretch*

The Wrap Up

Happy Birthday to Me!!

Breakdowns and such

I *really* need to stop getting excited for my bday

Time to Move

Holiday Spirit

Hard Work, a Nickname, and Me

Merry Christmas from Me and Little Brother

2007 is almost over

On: Being Black

Life has thrown another curve

My love of hip hop

And so it begins

I definitely did NOT lose... I won

What a difference less than 24hrs can make

On: Losing

Happy Thanksgiving

1-0

Dear People Who Don't Speak or Understand English Very Well

I thought things were going good

ouch

So some"one" is following me

I sliced my finger open

I Wish I Could Have Said Something

Pete is mad and I couldn't be happier

Interviews, Piercings, and Pregnancy

So I've Been MIA

I'm sleepy

I make lists

"Bustin makes you feel good"

The problem with fortunes, superstitions, etc

Todays Fortune Cookie Reads:

Stupid Stuff Makes Me Chuckle

How I spent my weekend

Confessions of a gadget whore

I need to get better

The return of the counter...

*sigh*

More San Francisco Pics

I think I'm going to blow up my life

I was afraid this would happen

I'm an aunt again!!!

I'm Back

It can't be Monday already

Yawn and Stretch

I really need to stop getting excited for my bday

sigh