4/19/2007

I've been trying to start this blog for hours but... I just don't know what to say.

Today I was official granted an absolute divorce i.e. my marriage is over. The hearing itself was pretty uneventful. No outbursts, more laffing than I would have expected. It was just an ordinary day at the courthouse. The whole thing took 13 minutes tops... and then we went to IHOP. We laffed some more, talked about our families... and then we went our separate ways... and i didn't cry. I didn't feel the emptiness i expected. I just felt at peace.

The 4 years that I spent with him taught me a TON about myself. I always thought that my ultimate goal in life was to be my mother. I've since realized that I don't have to be exactly like her to still be the wonderful type of person she is. I learned that if I'm not happy, things just can't go smoothly...

At 31 I can honestly say that i've probably spent 29 yrs trying to make others happy.
That's just not gonna work. It's one thing to want to do nice things for ppl but it's another thing to totally lose yourself in the process. I was LOST, dude. I was fortunate enough to have friends that pushed me to find myself. When everything is over I sent a text message to a good friend... someone who has always been incredibly encouraging and who has pushed me to be the best person i can be from the moment i first met him. I think the most important words i heard today came from him. He said, "I'm happy that you see HOW damn much you've grown in the last couple of years. Now a new time begins... The bay is right around the corner... Life is about to get exciting!"

When i think about it he saw me at my lowest point. I spoke to him the day I realized that my marriage was over. He gave me strength to move forward and to be strong enough to realize that I was strong. Words cannot express my gratitude... seriously.

In 2yrs i've gone from probably the lowest point to what might my highest point so far. I'm surprised when I look in the mirror half the time. I'm happy to be where I am and I'm happy to have ppl close to me that love and care about me and I will continue to improve myself for them, but most importantly, for myself.