I think I'm going to blow up my life

**disclaimer**
That should not be taken as a terrorist threat

I'm in a transitional phase in my life and I know it. I'm searching for something new and different. I want to stop spinning my wheels on things that don't mean anything to me and start focusing on making myself happy.

I am inches away from quitting law school. It doesn't make me happy. I know what you're thinking: School, especially law school, is not about being happy. I can admit that, but it shouldn't make me hate every single second of my existence. I should mention that i'm really on the fence with this and i'm not quittting until i have something specific lined up. The truth of the matter is, my prospects for law jobs are slim. I can accept that the large firm thing isn't for me. What I'm struggling with, however, is figuring out what *is* for me.

I had another breakdown last night. Not as bad as the last two but it wasn't good. Thankfully Brian was there to talk me down. I was trying my best to explain what i was feeling and i think i did a good job. I know that there are ppl out there in far worse positions than I am, but my issue is that I can't compare myself to them. I have to be good because I want to be good. i can't become complacent with the idea that someone is worse off. I don't want to be that person who doesn't pay the light bill in order to pay the cable and does the reverse the next month. I'm better than that. There's nothing wrong with struggling when you're trying to find your way, but once you find that, it's time to get on track.

That being said, I'm looking for ways to blow up my life. I know what kind of salary i need to make in order to start paying back my student loans and so i'm looking for that dream job. There's no pressure to it really. I can stick with XM while i hunt. At the same time i'm going to keep pushing forward with law school and law related jobs. Whatever is meant to be will reveal itself. I just know that i have to keep pushing forward until it does.

I'm Back

After what turned out to be a truly amazing summer, I am back in this "place." I have always been fairly candid about my dislike for DC, but it has multiplied since i have been gone.

Work is still work, school is still school but the unhappiness that I'm currently experiencing is unreal. It appears that I will not be able to return to San Fran to live for at least two years... ouch. I don't know if i have two more DC years in me. I'm going to do my best to spend as little time here as possible otherwise you just might see me on the 10 o'clock news running thru the streets like a madwoman.

The 5am Monday Morning Panic Attack

This morning i woke up out of a sound sleep with my heart beating loudly and gasping for air.
Today is June 18th... I leave for San Fran on July 6th.... *insert scream here*

I.am.not.ready. Point blank... I'm just not. I need to get my ass in gear ASAP because shit isn't gonna work like this.

Wish me luck!

An open letter to my sidekick

Fuck you, ok?
Who told you to crack?
Who told you to position yourself under my foot?
You wanted to die... and now... you're gone.

jerk.

Slow Motion to Fast Forward

So now, time is moving entirely too fast. I feel like i'm completely out of time. In 48 hours i'll be at the airport on my way to Jamaica... In 34 days I'll be on my way to San Fran... It's all happening so fast. It's exciting and scary at the same time.

I also handed my paycheck over to this place yesterday. I'm an idiot... but I smell delicious and my skin is glowing. I'm also still waiting on this last damn grade. It's driving me absolutely crazy. I really just want to know what i got so that i can enjoy my summer (and figure out where i'll be applying for a job).

I have a ton of things on my mind but nothing is really coming together so i'm gonna stop now. I'll be back though.

It's a Lazy Afternoon

... if i was a cat i'd purr.

I had a lovely afternoon topped off with some cuddling and a nice nap on the sofa.

I'm smiling

Sometimes I do some pretty dumb $#!+

Can anyone tell me what's wrong with this picture?
Now i have to decide whether I should pay the $110 to replace it or act like the crack doesn't bother me.

Breaking my toys makes me sad

10 19 46 51

10: The number of days until I see an old friend again. That's like the official kickoff to my summer of greatness. After I hug her to death I plan to spend the rest of the weekend laffing like a fool and relaxing

19: The number of days until we leave for Jamaica. Man... if ever i needed a vacation... I hope to spend the majority of that trip laying next to someone's beach, sipping some sort of alcoholic beverage and relaxing.

46: The number of days until my trip to the MLB All Star week festivities. Never been to something like this and i'm really looking forward to it. Although I try to hide my baseball enthusiast side, I'm extremely excited to be going to this event. Hopefully i'll get to meet some folks and finally enjoy some perks of the job.

51: That's the number of days until my leave of absence and subsequent cross-country drive. I have like a MILLION things to do before then so I really need to focus. I think that by the end of this week I'm going to do one last budget and then start tying up the loose ends... new tires, dentist appointment, Fishbone's trip to the vet, etc. I have a lot to do and it's about to get real hectic. I need to get on the ball before I find myself completely out of time.

It's nice to be this happy and excited after being so unhappy for so long.

Graduation Season

Yesterday my niece graduated from college. Saying i'm "proud" of her doesn't even begin to express how i felt yesterday. Seeing her walk across that stage as she graduated cum laude made me reminisce on how far she's come since she started college four years ago. Over the past four years she's gone from the insecure, immature high school senior to the self-assured, confident woman that i saw yesterday.

Amidst the joy i felt for her, I couldn't help but feel a bit saddened at the fact that I wasn't sharing in that joy this weekend too. Today should have been my graduation. Well no... if i had stayed a full time student and not taken a leave of absence I would have graduated today. I have mixed emotions about the whole thing to be honest. I know that the path i took was a necessary one, and i know that I have learned many lessons as a result... but at the same time, i'm ready to reach the end of that journey. All i can do is be patient and enjoy what i have. My time will come... yeah... i just keep tellin myself that.

When "sorry" isn't enough

Sometimes "sorry" doesn't cut it. I mean sometimes it isn't enough to say "I'm sorry." The thing about "sorry" is that the person you say it to doesn't have to accept it and even if they chose to forgive, they don't have to forget. I'm scared that my "sorry" won't be enough this time.

Knowing that I have hurt someone I care about hurts... and that's putting it mildly. Seeing tears fall from that person's eyes makes me physically ill... and all i could do is say "i'm sorry." I couldn't even begin to put into words how much that angers me. I would do anything to be able to reverse those actions and protect the feelings that i so recklessly trampled on... but i can't. All i can say is two words that really don't mean shit. Unfortunately, at this point, I am at a loss. I mean what more can i do? There aren't enough words... there aren't enough ways to express sorry and so, i have to just accept what i did. I have to accept the feeling of complete helplessness and the fact that i can never again make that right.

The thing that hurts the most though is that, i might not ever be able to overcome this. The hurt that lead me to act so foolishly is something i am forced to deal with. That hurt has dulled somewhat, but it's still there. I'm mostly angry... angry that i did something so stupid, angry that i let myself get angry enough to behave so foolishly and angry that i am so helpless to do anything to fix this mess.

I need to find a way to forgive myself for this. From there all i can do is hope and pray that i will be forgiven and that "i'm sorry" can at least be enough to start the healing process.

I love my life.

Yesterday was just a good day. It started off simple enough. Went to work, had a couple meetings... the usual. At about 1p i get a text message that 9th and Monie Love are on their way to XM for their interview, which was perfect because it wasn't scheduled to start until 2. So i do a little more work for about an hour and head to the lobby to wait. Two o'clock comes and goes. While i'm standing in the lobby shooting the shit with Nate, fuckin Crazy Legs walks in. I'm pretty excited about that but I'm also a little annoyed because it's going on 2:10 and my guests are nowhere to be found.

A few minutes later Monie walks up... My Gawd... she's just beautiful. I remember when i was first learning about hip hop and figuring out what i liked and didn't like. I liked Monie from jump. She was like the little sister of hip hop if that makes sense. She is easily one of the most passionate people I've ever met. And meeting a woman, who is that passionate about music in general, but hip hop especially? Just WOW.

Shortly after that 9th pulled up and we went up to the interview. When we get to the studio it's Crazy Legs, 9th and Monie... just shooting the shit. I mean imagine standing there and listening to like some folks you've been following for YEARS talkin about their kids... it was surreal. Part of me felt like i was intruding... but at the same time it was like being a part of something really big. The highlight of that moment was when Monie said something to the effect that she had been trying to get 9th and Crazy Legs to meet for some time and she thanked us for making that happen. Now i know that shit was just a damn coincidence, but i mean, I had that woman's cassette way back when and she's thanking me for stuff... craziness. The interview went really well and i think i'm back in the game for pushing the True School Radio idea. 9th and Monie with a radio show? (with guest appearances by mittens!!!) That's just wow.

Last night was the True School House Party at Liv too. Just imagine a party where every single song makes you think back to "the good old days." For every song i heard last night i remember what was going on in my life when i was listening to that song, where i was living, who i was friends with... all of that stuff. I miss that about music. It's so rare that something i buy today will have that same nostalgic effect for me. But for four hours yesterday I got to dance, and sing, and reminisce on the good old days... and i got to say whatup to Grap... that always makes me smile (if you know me, you should know why that's a big deal).

But the best part of my night came when i got a text message from this guy sayin he'd be off work early. I spent the end of my night dancing with (on) him and headed home to devour some chicken wings... does it get any better than that?

Come back to Jamaica....

Remember those commercials?

Well that's what i'm doing, I am going back to Jamaica. I'm REALLY looking forward to this trip. The idea of just relaxing and being away from the stresses of my daily life is making it hard for me to be patient. Although the San Fran trip will also be a vacation, it's going to be different. I don't feel that that's going to be a relaxing trip, so i'm glad to have this "pre-vacation" to gear up for the other trip.

But yeah, Jamaica. I've only been once before and that time it was to Negril. It was beautiful beyond belief there. This time around it'll be Ocho Rios. I plan to take no less than two million pictures because the ones i took last time were AMAZING!

So this weekend is going to be a bit of a blur.

This afternoon I'm helping with an interview for Subsoniq. Monie Love and 9th Wonder will be stopping by to shoot the shit for awhile.

Then tonight I'll be here:



That's always guaranteed to be a good time.


Saturday I'm going to a happy hour in an attempt to be more social and well-liked.
Sunday is, of course Mother's Day. My sister's and i will be cooking brunch for the family and spending the day with mom.


Next weekend is my niece's graduation from college... time is FLYING by. I need to start making my mark on the world ASAP

4 down, 4 to go

I took my last exam of the semester last night. I am officially finished with my second year of Law School. I am now officially half way there (i'm a part time student). As gueling as this process is, it isn't as bad as i expected. Well it kinda is... but I'm not suicidal.

I remember when it all started... i didn't know what in the hell to expect. That seems like so damned long ago. I was thinking back to a surprise party that my friends threw for me to celebrate my nerdy accomplishment... the people that were there... I don't talk to more than half of them now. If someone would have told me on that day to look around the table and pick the 4 people i thought i would be cool with three years later, i'm not sure whether i would have guessed correctly. Throughout my life I've been a bit of a friend collector. I liked having lots of "friends" and knowing people. It kinda made me feel important to be able to go somewhere and always see a "friend." Over the last few years though, I've started to move away from that. It's kinda nice to go somewhere and not recognize folks. There's a certain comfort in anonymity... But yeah, here i am three years later. I am a completely different person, and i like it.

So with year #2 behind me I can officially switch gears to my summer plans... getting to catch up with a friend i haven't seen in over a year, going to Jamaica with someone I love dearly, travelling across country on a 6 week adventure... there's just so much for me to look forward to and quite honestly, I deserve every bit of it.

Man oh Man...

I never thought i'd say it but thank God the weekend is over. I've got a ton of work i need to do on myself. Coming so close to losing something so important taught me a lot about the person i am and the person i want to be. Although i know there will be some issues with readjusting, I'm glad that things are back on track. No more secrets... ever.

On a completely unrelated note, today is my last final as a 2L... yay, bitch. I'm ready for this semester to be OVER. All in all i think i did ok this semester. School is starting to come to me a little bit easier. The goal this summer is to learn all about Admin Law and pick a topic for my paper. Hopefully i'll find something interesting.

I've also decided that after this trip to SF this summer I'm gonna put my hopes of moving out that way on hold for awhile. I think for next summer i'm going to focus my job search on the NY and DC areas only and see where that leads. I'll also be taking the bar in NY... ummm yeah.

Either way, life is ok today. I'm smiling and that's all that matters to me right now.

. . .

Breaking trust is fast, building it is slow. © Henry Abbott


Who woulda thought a blog about the NBA could contain such a relevant statement? I lost someone's trust today and i have no one to blame but myself. I honestly can't think of a bigger mistake i've ever made in my life. I wish i could come up with the right words to even describe what i feel (isn't that what blogs are for) but i can't.

The closest i think i've ever come to feeling this bad about something is when my mother called me crying and asking me what was going on with me down in Hampton. She demanded to know why she gave me plenty of money for rent and bills and yet, I was about to be evicted. She wanted to know why my phone was cut off when i had called her twice for money to pay it, both times promising her that i had. She asked if i was on drugs and if someone was doing something to me. I told her i was fine. that i had just bought some things at the mall and that i was sorry.

She didn't believe a word i said. Not a single one. But she sent more money anyway. And one day, i showed up back home with all my stuff. I was 34 pounds lighter than when she had last seen me. I was tired and i was defeated. She NEVER asked me again what was going on. Never. But i had lost her trust. She wouldn't give me money for anything. when i was looking for a job and i asked for gas money or metro fare, she'd give me her gas card or a bus token... no cash. If i was going somewhere she'd nod at my whereabouts and try to verify them upon my return.

Losing her trust has been one of the most painful things that I have ever had to experience. It's been almost ten years to the day that i showed up back at home from school. May 8, 1997, to be exact. History has a way of repeating itself i suppose. Today i realized that i again have lost the trust of someone i care about deeply. I have that same feeling of emptiness and nausea in my stomach. I mean what can you really do? Hope? Pray? Wait? I'm all out of options...

Nightmares and Sleep Paralysis

*insert long sigh here*

After a bit of a hiatus, the nightmares have returned. I hate how they always sneak up on me without warning. To make life *that* much more interesting, they've brought along a good friend: sleep paralysis.

When i first started having the nightmares, the scariest part was always the paralysis. It's one thing to be in a dream and come out of it, but instead of the comfort that comes along with realizing you're awake and safe, i open my eyes and see things around me, and yet i'm powerless to move or speak or anything. It's weird because when i'm in the middle of that transition i feel my body freeing up in the dream and it makes me struggle/fight/thrash that much harder to wake myself. Sometimes i can do it by repeatedly shaking my head side to side and telling myself to wake up... other times i flail all my limbs as hard as I can. No matter how often it happens, i always think that i'm dead... ALWAYS. It's probably the craziest thing ever, but i lay there and i think "oh shit, it's over"... then i'm like "naw fuck that" and start moving around in hopes of waking up.

The result of the nightmares and the thrashing are of course utter exhaustion.

Last night there were two dreams. The one i remember involved me and the exhusband going to 7-11. He got out of the car but left the back driver side door open. The whole time i was sitting in the car thinking "why would he leave that open it isn't safe?" Sure enough before he could get back to the car two guys get in and tell me they're going to rape and kill me... this is of course where the paralysis kicks in. I had enough presence of mind to know that i was dreaming and that i wanted to wake up... but the paralysis and consequently having to essentially endure the dream without being able to fight back was upsetting to say the least. The result was me waking myself up by kicking and flailing.

The second dream didn't involve the paralysis but it was unsettling all the same. I was walking thru various parts of DC alone and i noticed that everywhere i went there was a guy walking up behind people and stabbing them in the back. Then he'd just walk off like nothing happened. When i finally turned on one street near where i had gone to elementary and high school i realized that he was behind me and that there was no one else on the street. I immediately picked up the pace and headed to my high school because i know that there's a guard at the gate and i figured it was safe. When i got to the guard, I told him what was going on but, of course he didn't see the guy. Realizing that the guard couldn't help me i ran up the street and came across this weird tunnel that lead to the monastery that was near my highschool. I crawled in the tunnel and waited. The guy never showed up but a priest did. I told him what happened and he did some sort of magic spell that closed off the tunnel so there was no way the guy could get to me. The guy never showed up at the tunnel though.

So... ok... dream 1. Clearly i have some feelings of betrayal by men. I don't know if the ex represents himself or men in general but that dream was all about a man who i expected to protect me not doing his job to keep me safe and consequently i wound up very hurt by that negligence. Dream 2... i dunno i think maybe i need to go to church. I was running from death essentially and i ran to the last two places that represent religion to me. I sought safety inside the gates of a place i consider religious, went to a monestary for help and was ultimately helped/protected by a magical priest... ummm... ok. So i suppose that means that i'm looking for some sort of spiritual fulfillment to help me deal with my fear surrounding death?

All i know is, I have some shit i'm trying to deal with, sleep paralysis can be exacerbated by ADD medication and stress (ie my life) and I'm sleepy.

4/19/2007

I've been trying to start this blog for hours but... I just don't know what to say.

Today I was official granted an absolute divorce i.e. my marriage is over. The hearing itself was pretty uneventful. No outbursts, more laffing than I would have expected. It was just an ordinary day at the courthouse. The whole thing took 13 minutes tops... and then we went to IHOP. We laffed some more, talked about our families... and then we went our separate ways... and i didn't cry. I didn't feel the emptiness i expected. I just felt at peace.

The 4 years that I spent with him taught me a TON about myself. I always thought that my ultimate goal in life was to be my mother. I've since realized that I don't have to be exactly like her to still be the wonderful type of person she is. I learned that if I'm not happy, things just can't go smoothly...

At 31 I can honestly say that i've probably spent 29 yrs trying to make others happy.
That's just not gonna work. It's one thing to want to do nice things for ppl but it's another thing to totally lose yourself in the process. I was LOST, dude. I was fortunate enough to have friends that pushed me to find myself. When everything is over I sent a text message to a good friend... someone who has always been incredibly encouraging and who has pushed me to be the best person i can be from the moment i first met him. I think the most important words i heard today came from him. He said, "I'm happy that you see HOW damn much you've grown in the last couple of years. Now a new time begins... The bay is right around the corner... Life is about to get exciting!"

When i think about it he saw me at my lowest point. I spoke to him the day I realized that my marriage was over. He gave me strength to move forward and to be strong enough to realize that I was strong. Words cannot express my gratitude... seriously.

In 2yrs i've gone from probably the lowest point to what might my highest point so far. I'm surprised when I look in the mirror half the time. I'm happy to be where I am and I'm happy to have ppl close to me that love and care about me and I will continue to improve myself for them, but most importantly, for myself.

*Exhales*

A little over three weeks ago I handed in my entry for the annual short write on competition at my school. As I handed it in, I knew that I had done my absolute best. I had written, edited, revised, rewritten, edited and revised some more. It was honestly my best effort. Today, at 2pm, I got a call that I had been selected for the Administrative Law Review. That's a pretty big deal and I am extremely happy.

When I tried to do this competition before during my first year of school, I didn't make it past the first day. I tried to read the materials, couldn't get focused, couldn't get organized, and just quit. What a difference a couple of years makes. The sense of accomplishment that is associated with this for me is AMAZING. Even though I spent the early part of the day completely freaked out about not making it, I still knew that I had given 100%.

The accomplishment is still a bit bittersweet (aren't they always). My grades are still a little low and could possibly limit my opportunities. But this has shown me what I'm capable of. I spend so much time looking around at the other students and trying to figure out where I fit in. Truth is, I'm right up there with them.

Therapy

Once a week I go and spill my guts to some white chick who seems to think that all i need is reassurance and validation. That creates a couple problems... 1) i need a new therapist, 2) I don't like her.

I'm supposed to go talk to her today and quite frankly I'm not looking forward to it. I know what i want to talk about, but I also know how she's going to react. I express fears about infidelity, she tells me that I shouldn't worry because I'm a great person, the bf is lucky to have me and i look at her like she has breasts growing out of her forehead. I don't want to hear that. I want to hear why he seems so nonchalant about what happened. I want to hear why his attempts to reassure me didn't even come close. I want to know why i still don't trust what I've been told. I want to know why I think that even given the chance to come clean he didn't tell me everything. In other words, I want her to answer the questions that he won't.

I swear i just want to curl up into a nice little ball and sleep for like 2 months. Maybe in two months I can wake up and we'll be well into spring and everything will be happy and joyous. Somehow though, I don't think that's ever gonna happen.

I just know i'm tired and a nice long sleep would be nice.

Divorce

I'm 9 days away from the end of my marriage. I honestly don't even know what I feel. Maybe that's because I kind of always knew it would happen. Don't get me wrong, i wanted things to work out and I believed in our relationship. But sometimes people aren't ready.

Some folks have suggested that I didn't take my vows seriously or that I didn't know what marriage was about. I disagree. I knew what I was getting into. What I wasn't expecting was that we'd wind up being so stubborn that we couldn't manage to get to a common ground. I'm greatful for the experience though. I learned A LOT about the type of person I am and what's important to me in a relationship. I learned a lot about love and forgiveness and priorities. I think what hurts the most in all of this is that i know i'm losing a friend. Him and I used to go to shows, hang out and just chill together. Even though we're still cool, I have to often stop myself from calling at 1am to ask "are you watching such-in-such."

I never thought that i'd be divorced, childless and still in school at 31, but this is the path that i'm walking. Somedays it feels nice to be free to pick up and go wherever whenever, but sometimes I wish I had something a little more stable. I've been transient all my life, I think it'd be nice to just stop and stay still for awhile.