And another one...

B+

*dances*

I'm just waiting on one more grade. I realized last night that my GPA is never gonna look good on paper. It'll look decent and i'll definitely have a B average of some sort... but i'll never be an A- student. Which i'm actually ok with. Lately I've been doing research on some nontraditional options for after graduation. I never wanted to be the law firm type anyway so i'm ok with that. I think the government route will be for me so that's what I'm focusing on. Hopefully i can find a way to do that and not live in DC.

I'm a bit disappointed in myself. I've made strides in some areas but i'm sitting on my ass in others. Tonight I'm going to go home and get a TON of shit accomplished. I have no choice. I need to find a better way to kick myself in the ass because i've been lacking in that department lately.

It doesn't help that i've been off my meds for awhile too. I need to stop doing that... that's a dangerous game to play. I'm clearly not a doctor so I should probably avoid playing one with my own meds.

Addiction

I've known addiction all my life. I was born into a household where my mom, dad and oldest sister smoked, my dad struggled with alcohol and gambling, and my brother-in-law smoked weed. While i know it was a somewhat different time then, i knew from a very young age the things that they were putting into their bodies and the likely effects it would have on them.

As I got older (and by older i mean 10), I began to experiment with alcohol and cigarettes. By 12 I had a full-blown drinking problem and had started to dabble in a number of drugs. I spent most of the summer before my 9th grade year in a "special camp" (ie rehab). I have come to understand that i have an addictive personality and am predisposed to addiction. I am also aware that at almost any moment i could slip back to where i was and wind up in "camp" all over again.

Over the past year or so, I have separated myself from a lot of people that i felt had the potential to negatively impact my well-being as it relates to addiction. I'm never going to look down my nose at others for what they do, but because i know my own limits (or lack of limits), I know that i can't be around some folks for fear of spiraling out of control. Although I still drink more than i should and am easily sucked into gambling, I really do work hard to keep it all fairly moderate.

We all have our vices and demons that we deal with. Sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. But overcoming those vices takes strength and support from those closest to us. There will always be those assholes that try to bring you down ("one drink ain't gonna hurt") but when you're able to build up a strong enough support system, it becomes easier and easier to resist those temptations.

I say all this to say, someone i care about has an addiction and i hope he reads this and realizes that I've been where he is and i'm there for him.

Nightmares and Sleep Paralysis

*insert long sigh here*

After a bit of a hiatus, the nightmares have returned. I hate how they always sneak up on me without warning. To make life *that* much more interesting, they've brought along a good friend: sleep paralysis.

When i first started having the nightmares, the scariest part was always the paralysis. It's one thing to be in a dream and come out of it, but instead of the comfort that comes along with realizing you're awake and safe, i open my eyes and see things around me, and yet i'm powerless to move or speak or anything. It's weird because when i'm in the middle of that transition i feel my body freeing up in the dream and it makes me struggle/fight/thrash that much harder to wake myself. Sometimes i can do it by repeatedly shaking my head side to side and telling myself to wake up... other times i flail all my limbs as hard as I can. No matter how often it happens, i always think that i'm dead... ALWAYS. It's probably the craziest thing ever, but i lay there and i think "oh shit, it's over"... then i'm like "naw fuck that" and start moving around in hopes of waking up.

The result of the nightmares and the thrashing are of course utter exhaustion.

Last night there were two dreams. The one i remember involved me and the exhusband going to 7-11. He got out of the car but left the back driver side door open. The whole time i was sitting in the car thinking "why would he leave that open it isn't safe?" Sure enough before he could get back to the car two guys get in and tell me they're going to rape and kill me... this is of course where the paralysis kicks in. I had enough presence of mind to know that i was dreaming and that i wanted to wake up... but the paralysis and consequently having to essentially endure the dream without being able to fight back was upsetting to say the least. The result was me waking myself up by kicking and flailing.

The second dream didn't involve the paralysis but it was unsettling all the same. I was walking thru various parts of DC alone and i noticed that everywhere i went there was a guy walking up behind people and stabbing them in the back. Then he'd just walk off like nothing happened. When i finally turned on one street near where i had gone to elementary and high school i realized that he was behind me and that there was no one else on the street. I immediately picked up the pace and headed to my high school because i know that there's a guard at the gate and i figured it was safe. When i got to the guard, I told him what was going on but, of course he didn't see the guy. Realizing that the guard couldn't help me i ran up the street and came across this weird tunnel that lead to the monastery that was near my highschool. I crawled in the tunnel and waited. The guy never showed up but a priest did. I told him what happened and he did some sort of magic spell that closed off the tunnel so there was no way the guy could get to me. The guy never showed up at the tunnel though.

So... ok... dream 1. Clearly i have some feelings of betrayal by men. I don't know if the ex represents himself or men in general but that dream was all about a man who i expected to protect me not doing his job to keep me safe and consequently i wound up very hurt by that negligence. Dream 2... i dunno i think maybe i need to go to church. I was running from death essentially and i ran to the last two places that represent religion to me. I sought safety inside the gates of a place i consider religious, went to a monestary for help and was ultimately helped/protected by a magical priest... ummm... ok. So i suppose that means that i'm looking for some sort of spiritual fulfillment to help me deal with my fear surrounding death?

All i know is, I have some shit i'm trying to deal with, sleep paralysis can be exacerbated by ADD medication and stress (ie my life) and I'm sleepy.

Therapy

Once a week I go and spill my guts to some white chick who seems to think that all i need is reassurance and validation. That creates a couple problems... 1) i need a new therapist, 2) I don't like her.

I'm supposed to go talk to her today and quite frankly I'm not looking forward to it. I know what i want to talk about, but I also know how she's going to react. I express fears about infidelity, she tells me that I shouldn't worry because I'm a great person, the bf is lucky to have me and i look at her like she has breasts growing out of her forehead. I don't want to hear that. I want to hear why he seems so nonchalant about what happened. I want to hear why his attempts to reassure me didn't even come close. I want to know why i still don't trust what I've been told. I want to know why I think that even given the chance to come clean he didn't tell me everything. In other words, I want her to answer the questions that he won't.

I swear i just want to curl up into a nice little ball and sleep for like 2 months. Maybe in two months I can wake up and we'll be well into spring and everything will be happy and joyous. Somehow though, I don't think that's ever gonna happen.

I just know i'm tired and a nice long sleep would be nice.