The problem with fortunes, superstitions, etc

so i got that fortune the other day, and i admit to believing fortunes, horoscopes, superstitions, etc when they can be twisted to say what i want them to say. So of course that fortune meant to take a chance and just move to san francisco... this afternoon i got a phone call offering me an spring internship with the government.

that's huge for me. i need that. i mean i had pretty much written off law unless i could work for the government... now here i am with an opportunity to work for the federal govt this spring. i don't know how i could pass up this opportunity... did i mention this is an unpaid internship? There's always a twist isn't there?

The "good" news is that the requirement is only 15 hrs a week. I need to talk to the externship dept at school to see how that will work in terms of getting credit. I also need to see if I will be able to keep my job or perhaps shift to part time. My only concern with asking my job to allow me to go part time or to work something out is that i *know* that once i graduate, i'm leaving. Do i ask for this "favor" knowing that in May I'll (hopefully) be quiting to work in San Fran for the summer? On the one hand i know that i need to do what's best for me, on the other i don't want to create problems for my employer.

i have 20 months to make this all fall into place and i'm pretty scared. hopefully this will all work out and the hard work will pay off.

I think I'm going to blow up my life

**disclaimer**
That should not be taken as a terrorist threat

I'm in a transitional phase in my life and I know it. I'm searching for something new and different. I want to stop spinning my wheels on things that don't mean anything to me and start focusing on making myself happy.

I am inches away from quitting law school. It doesn't make me happy. I know what you're thinking: School, especially law school, is not about being happy. I can admit that, but it shouldn't make me hate every single second of my existence. I should mention that i'm really on the fence with this and i'm not quittting until i have something specific lined up. The truth of the matter is, my prospects for law jobs are slim. I can accept that the large firm thing isn't for me. What I'm struggling with, however, is figuring out what *is* for me.

I had another breakdown last night. Not as bad as the last two but it wasn't good. Thankfully Brian was there to talk me down. I was trying my best to explain what i was feeling and i think i did a good job. I know that there are ppl out there in far worse positions than I am, but my issue is that I can't compare myself to them. I have to be good because I want to be good. i can't become complacent with the idea that someone is worse off. I don't want to be that person who doesn't pay the light bill in order to pay the cable and does the reverse the next month. I'm better than that. There's nothing wrong with struggling when you're trying to find your way, but once you find that, it's time to get on track.

That being said, I'm looking for ways to blow up my life. I know what kind of salary i need to make in order to start paying back my student loans and so i'm looking for that dream job. There's no pressure to it really. I can stick with XM while i hunt. At the same time i'm going to keep pushing forward with law school and law related jobs. Whatever is meant to be will reveal itself. I just know that i have to keep pushing forward until it does.

Plodding Thru

The closer I get to leaving for San Fran the more stuff I realize that I have to do. Now granted most of this accumulation is the result of my procrastination but there are a lot of other things that I legitimately need to get done. B has been a tremendous help. He's cleaned damn near half the house and that keeps me sane.
I've handed in the last edit i'll have to do before we leave and i've just been focusing on job stuff. I'm in the process of trying to narrow down my list of firms that i'm applying to and trying to figure out something to do with my life. I got exactly zero interviews last year, i'm not trying to do that again. This year I'm doing a lot more research into firms that I might be interested in but i'm also looking at Government Agencies, Non-profit orgs and a bunch of other places that might be suitable. I'm cautiously excited about the possibility of actually getting an interview this year.
Lately I've found myself wondering how different my life would have been if I hadn't had to sit out of school. After my first year, I was denied financial aid. As a recently married person, I assumed, perhaps foolishly, that this man that had promised to love, cherish, etc would step up and offer solutions as to how "we" could afford to send me. I expected him to say something like "just get the federal loans and we'll work out the rest." All I got was, "well i don't think you're really putting in enough effort for me to put my money towards it." "My money" We were never on the same page when it came to money but that was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. That's when i realized that I had no support system when it came to him. I realized that he didn't see the marriage as a partnership and after some soul-searching I realized that we had never seen eye to eye on that. When I took a leave of absence from school I knew that it was only a matter of time before I would be getting divorced.
My mom mentioned to me recently that I don't talk much about my divorce and I kinda just shrugged. I told her i really didn't have much to say about the divorce or the marriage. I think my ex is a cool guy so I'm not gonna bad-mouth him. At the same time, I feel that at times the relationship was mentally abusive to a certain degree and that's not something that I want to relive. I've grown a LOT since 12/18/04, I just don't see the point of going back to that place right now.

Slow Motion to Fast Forward

So now, time is moving entirely too fast. I feel like i'm completely out of time. In 48 hours i'll be at the airport on my way to Jamaica... In 34 days I'll be on my way to San Fran... It's all happening so fast. It's exciting and scary at the same time.

I also handed my paycheck over to this place yesterday. I'm an idiot... but I smell delicious and my skin is glowing. I'm also still waiting on this last damn grade. It's driving me absolutely crazy. I really just want to know what i got so that i can enjoy my summer (and figure out where i'll be applying for a job).

I have a ton of things on my mind but nothing is really coming together so i'm gonna stop now. I'll be back though.

And another one...

B+

*dances*

I'm just waiting on one more grade. I realized last night that my GPA is never gonna look good on paper. It'll look decent and i'll definitely have a B average of some sort... but i'll never be an A- student. Which i'm actually ok with. Lately I've been doing research on some nontraditional options for after graduation. I never wanted to be the law firm type anyway so i'm ok with that. I think the government route will be for me so that's what I'm focusing on. Hopefully i can find a way to do that and not live in DC.

I'm a bit disappointed in myself. I've made strides in some areas but i'm sitting on my ass in others. Tonight I'm going to go home and get a TON of shit accomplished. I have no choice. I need to find a better way to kick myself in the ass because i've been lacking in that department lately.

It doesn't help that i've been off my meds for awhile too. I need to stop doing that... that's a dangerous game to play. I'm clearly not a doctor so I should probably avoid playing one with my own meds.

Graduation Season

Yesterday my niece graduated from college. Saying i'm "proud" of her doesn't even begin to express how i felt yesterday. Seeing her walk across that stage as she graduated cum laude made me reminisce on how far she's come since she started college four years ago. Over the past four years she's gone from the insecure, immature high school senior to the self-assured, confident woman that i saw yesterday.

Amidst the joy i felt for her, I couldn't help but feel a bit saddened at the fact that I wasn't sharing in that joy this weekend too. Today should have been my graduation. Well no... if i had stayed a full time student and not taken a leave of absence I would have graduated today. I have mixed emotions about the whole thing to be honest. I know that the path i took was a necessary one, and i know that I have learned many lessons as a result... but at the same time, i'm ready to reach the end of that journey. All i can do is be patient and enjoy what i have. My time will come... yeah... i just keep tellin myself that.

My First Grade is In.....

*insert drumroll*

A -

YAY, Bitches!
Sure it was my 2 credit class and sure it was Ethics which is basically learning what to say when asked what one *should* do and sure most people don't really do what's ethical... but so what? My GPA is creepin up!

That was a welcome surprise. I have two more grades that will need to post: Family Law and Evidence. Family Law will probably post soon. Evidence I'm not so sure about. I've been giving a lot of thought lately to what i want to do after graduation. Although the $130,000 starting salary sounds WONDERFUL, i really don't want to follow that path. I want to do something I'm interested in and something that i feel will make a difference. Me sorting through paperwork at some huge law firm isn't my idea of satifying. I'm toying with the idea of pursuing a career as a public defender or perhaps a prosecutor. I had an interesting convo with a guy who prosecutes children. Sounds fucked up, right? I was all ready to be pissed at him, but he was talking about how he has the leeway to decide the types of punishment and how he pushes for rehabilitation for youth. If i had an opportunity to do something like that where i had that much autonomy it might not be so bad.

In the fall I will be taking Administrative Law, Sales and Secured Transactions, and Criminal Trial Advocacy. The last court is all about learning how to try a case. I'm hoping to kill two birds with one stone on that one: 1) See if I really want to be a trial lawyer and 2) Work on speaking up and being more confident. Those three classes equal 9 credit hours and i'll also have office hours for the Admin Law Review. I'm also going to be helping to edit the publication and hopefully be interviewing and trying to do something law related for next summer. Ideally I'd like to quit my current job and start working as a law clerk in the Spring. We'll see where that goes.

Stepping Out

**Disclaimer**
This entry isn't about cheating. If that's what you're looking for, please exit stage left.

Now...
I am socially awkward... or maybe i should say, i can be socially awkward. I don't really do well with small talk and my networking skills are deplorable. I'm good at talking to my friends. I'm good at running my mouth with people i know well. But for the most part i am painfully shy when it comes to unfamiliar situations.

A huge part of getting a job upon graduation will have to do with my ability to network, small talk, initiate convo etc. That scares me. To say i have anxiety issues is probably a gross understatement. Some days I'm not able to leave the house. So imagine trying to force myself to not only leave the house but to throw myself into an uncomfortable and unfamiliar situation. It's not something that i look forward to.

I can't even begin to count the number of times i've seen someone that i recognize and i'll go over to say "hello" or something. As soon as they respond i'm ready for the convo to end. So while they're going thru the whole "OMG! I haven't seen you in so long how are you?!" I'm like "well it was good to see you bye!" That makes for a most awkward convo.

I've been trying to force myself into becoming more comfortable in social situations. By forcing myself to go to happy hours, trying to join clubs/organizations, etc., i'm hoping that i can learn to be comfortable in social settings and to gain confidence in my ability to talk to people and carry on conversations. I am also taking a course next semester that will simulate trials. I hope that it will make me feel more comfortable with my public speaking and help me to stop feeling so awkward.

It's hard forcing yourself past your boundaries and making yourself try something new, but i'm workin on it!

4 down, 4 to go

I took my last exam of the semester last night. I am officially finished with my second year of Law School. I am now officially half way there (i'm a part time student). As gueling as this process is, it isn't as bad as i expected. Well it kinda is... but I'm not suicidal.

I remember when it all started... i didn't know what in the hell to expect. That seems like so damned long ago. I was thinking back to a surprise party that my friends threw for me to celebrate my nerdy accomplishment... the people that were there... I don't talk to more than half of them now. If someone would have told me on that day to look around the table and pick the 4 people i thought i would be cool with three years later, i'm not sure whether i would have guessed correctly. Throughout my life I've been a bit of a friend collector. I liked having lots of "friends" and knowing people. It kinda made me feel important to be able to go somewhere and always see a "friend." Over the last few years though, I've started to move away from that. It's kinda nice to go somewhere and not recognize folks. There's a certain comfort in anonymity... But yeah, here i am three years later. I am a completely different person, and i like it.

So with year #2 behind me I can officially switch gears to my summer plans... getting to catch up with a friend i haven't seen in over a year, going to Jamaica with someone I love dearly, travelling across country on a 6 week adventure... there's just so much for me to look forward to and quite honestly, I deserve every bit of it.

That's the cover of the Administrative Law Review. According to Wikipedia:

The Administrative Law Review (cited to as Admin. L. Rev.) is a law journal officially published by the American Bar Association Section of Administrative Law & Regulatory Practice and American University Washington College of Law. The ALR, which is published quarterly, contains articles, essays, and book reviews by professional legal scholars and practitioners, as well as student-written notes and comments.

Recognized in the legal community as holding title to one of the highest circulation rates of any student-edited journal, the ALR maintains a readership consisting of both private subscriptions and many of the 17,000 members of the American Bar Association Section of Administrative Law & Regulatory Practice.

The ALR is also one of four journals edited by law students at The American University Washington College of Law.

I was selected to be on the staff of this journal. That means that i will be editing and possibly writing for this publication. I'm beyond excited about this. I mean i don't think that i'm going to have a ton of fun editing and writing, but this is a huge deal for me.

I also spent a HUGE part of the day buying things for the trip. Specifically stuff for this monster of a cat. A new carrier, a collar, a name tag, harness, leash... I think i got everything... and of course i overspent. Interestingly enough, this 21 pound cat is too big for any of the cat products. Everything i bought today is for a medium sized dog. I guess he needs to be in the gym with me.