**disclaimer**
That should not be taken as a terrorist threat
I'm in a transitional phase in my life and I know it. I'm searching for something new and different. I want to stop spinning my wheels on things that don't mean anything to me and start focusing on making myself happy.
I am inches away from quitting law school. It doesn't make me happy. I know what you're thinking: School, especially law school, is not about being happy. I can admit that, but it shouldn't make me hate every single second of my existence. I should mention that i'm really on the fence with this and i'm not quittting until i have something specific lined up. The truth of the matter is, my prospects for law jobs are slim. I can accept that the large firm thing isn't for me. What I'm struggling with, however, is figuring out what *is* for me.
I had another breakdown last night. Not as bad as the last two but it wasn't good. Thankfully Brian was there to talk me down. I was trying my best to explain what i was feeling and i think i did a good job. I know that there are ppl out there in far worse positions than I am, but my issue is that I can't compare myself to them. I have to be good because I want to be good. i can't become complacent with the idea that someone is worse off. I don't want to be that person who doesn't pay the light bill in order to pay the cable and does the reverse the next month. I'm better than that. There's nothing wrong with struggling when you're trying to find your way, but once you find that, it's time to get on track.
That being said, I'm looking for ways to blow up my life. I know what kind of salary i need to make in order to start paying back my student loans and so i'm looking for that dream job. There's no pressure to it really. I can stick with XM while i hunt. At the same time i'm going to keep pushing forward with law school and law related jobs. Whatever is meant to be will reveal itself. I just know that i have to keep pushing forward until it does.
Showing posts with label Trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Trust. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Sunday, May 13, 2007
When "sorry" isn't enough
Sometimes "sorry" doesn't cut it. I mean sometimes it isn't enough to say "I'm sorry." The thing about "sorry" is that the person you say it to doesn't have to accept it and even if they chose to forgive, they don't have to forget. I'm scared that my "sorry" won't be enough this time.
Knowing that I have hurt someone I care about hurts... and that's putting it mildly. Seeing tears fall from that person's eyes makes me physically ill... and all i could do is say "i'm sorry." I couldn't even begin to put into words how much that angers me. I would do anything to be able to reverse those actions and protect the feelings that i so recklessly trampled on... but i can't. All i can say is two words that really don't mean shit. Unfortunately, at this point, I am at a loss. I mean what more can i do? There aren't enough words... there aren't enough ways to express sorry and so, i have to just accept what i did. I have to accept the feeling of complete helplessness and the fact that i can never again make that right.
The thing that hurts the most though is that, i might not ever be able to overcome this. The hurt that lead me to act so foolishly is something i am forced to deal with. That hurt has dulled somewhat, but it's still there. I'm mostly angry... angry that i did something so stupid, angry that i let myself get angry enough to behave so foolishly and angry that i am so helpless to do anything to fix this mess.
I need to find a way to forgive myself for this. From there all i can do is hope and pray that i will be forgiven and that "i'm sorry" can at least be enough to start the healing process.
Knowing that I have hurt someone I care about hurts... and that's putting it mildly. Seeing tears fall from that person's eyes makes me physically ill... and all i could do is say "i'm sorry." I couldn't even begin to put into words how much that angers me. I would do anything to be able to reverse those actions and protect the feelings that i so recklessly trampled on... but i can't. All i can say is two words that really don't mean shit. Unfortunately, at this point, I am at a loss. I mean what more can i do? There aren't enough words... there aren't enough ways to express sorry and so, i have to just accept what i did. I have to accept the feeling of complete helplessness and the fact that i can never again make that right.
The thing that hurts the most though is that, i might not ever be able to overcome this. The hurt that lead me to act so foolishly is something i am forced to deal with. That hurt has dulled somewhat, but it's still there. I'm mostly angry... angry that i did something so stupid, angry that i let myself get angry enough to behave so foolishly and angry that i am so helpless to do anything to fix this mess.
I need to find a way to forgive myself for this. From there all i can do is hope and pray that i will be forgiven and that "i'm sorry" can at least be enough to start the healing process.
Monday, May 7, 2007
Man oh Man...
I never thought i'd say it but thank God the weekend is over. I've got a ton of work i need to do on myself. Coming so close to losing something so important taught me a lot about the person i am and the person i want to be. Although i know there will be some issues with readjusting, I'm glad that things are back on track. No more secrets... ever.
On a completely unrelated note, today is my last final as a 2L... yay, bitch. I'm ready for this semester to be OVER. All in all i think i did ok this semester. School is starting to come to me a little bit easier. The goal this summer is to learn all about Admin Law and pick a topic for my paper. Hopefully i'll find something interesting.
I've also decided that after this trip to SF this summer I'm gonna put my hopes of moving out that way on hold for awhile. I think for next summer i'm going to focus my job search on the NY and DC areas only and see where that leads. I'll also be taking the bar in NY... ummm yeah.
Either way, life is ok today. I'm smiling and that's all that matters to me right now.
On a completely unrelated note, today is my last final as a 2L... yay, bitch. I'm ready for this semester to be OVER. All in all i think i did ok this semester. School is starting to come to me a little bit easier. The goal this summer is to learn all about Admin Law and pick a topic for my paper. Hopefully i'll find something interesting.
I've also decided that after this trip to SF this summer I'm gonna put my hopes of moving out that way on hold for awhile. I think for next summer i'm going to focus my job search on the NY and DC areas only and see where that leads. I'll also be taking the bar in NY... ummm yeah.
Either way, life is ok today. I'm smiling and that's all that matters to me right now.
Friday, May 4, 2007
. . .
Breaking trust is fast, building it is slow. © Henry Abbott
Who woulda thought a blog about the NBA could contain such a relevant statement? I lost someone's trust today and i have no one to blame but myself. I honestly can't think of a bigger mistake i've ever made in my life. I wish i could come up with the right words to even describe what i feel (isn't that what blogs are for) but i can't.
The closest i think i've ever come to feeling this bad about something is when my mother called me crying and asking me what was going on with me down in Hampton. She demanded to know why she gave me plenty of money for rent and bills and yet, I was about to be evicted. She wanted to know why my phone was cut off when i had called her twice for money to pay it, both times promising her that i had. She asked if i was on drugs and if someone was doing something to me. I told her i was fine. that i had just bought some things at the mall and that i was sorry.
She didn't believe a word i said. Not a single one. But she sent more money anyway. And one day, i showed up back home with all my stuff. I was 34 pounds lighter than when she had last seen me. I was tired and i was defeated. She NEVER asked me again what was going on. Never. But i had lost her trust. She wouldn't give me money for anything. when i was looking for a job and i asked for gas money or metro fare, she'd give me her gas card or a bus token... no cash. If i was going somewhere she'd nod at my whereabouts and try to verify them upon my return.
Losing her trust has been one of the most painful things that I have ever had to experience. It's been almost ten years to the day that i showed up back at home from school. May 8, 1997, to be exact. History has a way of repeating itself i suppose. Today i realized that i again have lost the trust of someone i care about deeply. I have that same feeling of emptiness and nausea in my stomach. I mean what can you really do? Hope? Pray? Wait? I'm all out of options...
Who woulda thought a blog about the NBA could contain such a relevant statement? I lost someone's trust today and i have no one to blame but myself. I honestly can't think of a bigger mistake i've ever made in my life. I wish i could come up with the right words to even describe what i feel (isn't that what blogs are for) but i can't.
The closest i think i've ever come to feeling this bad about something is when my mother called me crying and asking me what was going on with me down in Hampton. She demanded to know why she gave me plenty of money for rent and bills and yet, I was about to be evicted. She wanted to know why my phone was cut off when i had called her twice for money to pay it, both times promising her that i had. She asked if i was on drugs and if someone was doing something to me. I told her i was fine. that i had just bought some things at the mall and that i was sorry.
She didn't believe a word i said. Not a single one. But she sent more money anyway. And one day, i showed up back home with all my stuff. I was 34 pounds lighter than when she had last seen me. I was tired and i was defeated. She NEVER asked me again what was going on. Never. But i had lost her trust. She wouldn't give me money for anything. when i was looking for a job and i asked for gas money or metro fare, she'd give me her gas card or a bus token... no cash. If i was going somewhere she'd nod at my whereabouts and try to verify them upon my return.
Losing her trust has been one of the most painful things that I have ever had to experience. It's been almost ten years to the day that i showed up back at home from school. May 8, 1997, to be exact. History has a way of repeating itself i suppose. Today i realized that i again have lost the trust of someone i care about deeply. I have that same feeling of emptiness and nausea in my stomach. I mean what can you really do? Hope? Pray? Wait? I'm all out of options...
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Nightmares and Sleep Paralysis
*insert long sigh here*
After a bit of a hiatus, the nightmares have returned. I hate how they always sneak up on me without warning. To make life *that* much more interesting, they've brought along a good friend: sleep paralysis.
When i first started having the nightmares, the scariest part was always the paralysis. It's one thing to be in a dream and come out of it, but instead of the comfort that comes along with realizing you're awake and safe, i open my eyes and see things around me, and yet i'm powerless to move or speak or anything. It's weird because when i'm in the middle of that transition i feel my body freeing up in the dream and it makes me struggle/fight/thrash that much harder to wake myself. Sometimes i can do it by repeatedly shaking my head side to side and telling myself to wake up... other times i flail all my limbs as hard as I can. No matter how often it happens, i always think that i'm dead... ALWAYS. It's probably the craziest thing ever, but i lay there and i think "oh shit, it's over"... then i'm like "naw fuck that" and start moving around in hopes of waking up.
The result of the nightmares and the thrashing are of course utter exhaustion.
Last night there were two dreams. The one i remember involved me and the exhusband going to 7-11. He got out of the car but left the back driver side door open. The whole time i was sitting in the car thinking "why would he leave that open it isn't safe?" Sure enough before he could get back to the car two guys get in and tell me they're going to rape and kill me... this is of course where the paralysis kicks in. I had enough presence of mind to know that i was dreaming and that i wanted to wake up... but the paralysis and consequently having to essentially endure the dream without being able to fight back was upsetting to say the least. The result was me waking myself up by kicking and flailing.
The second dream didn't involve the paralysis but it was unsettling all the same. I was walking thru various parts of DC alone and i noticed that everywhere i went there was a guy walking up behind people and stabbing them in the back. Then he'd just walk off like nothing happened. When i finally turned on one street near where i had gone to elementary and high school i realized that he was behind me and that there was no one else on the street. I immediately picked up the pace and headed to my high school because i know that there's a guard at the gate and i figured it was safe. When i got to the guard, I told him what was going on but, of course he didn't see the guy. Realizing that the guard couldn't help me i ran up the street and came across this weird tunnel that lead to the monastery that was near my highschool. I crawled in the tunnel and waited. The guy never showed up but a priest did. I told him what happened and he did some sort of magic spell that closed off the tunnel so there was no way the guy could get to me. The guy never showed up at the tunnel though.
So... ok... dream 1. Clearly i have some feelings of betrayal by men. I don't know if the ex represents himself or men in general but that dream was all about a man who i expected to protect me not doing his job to keep me safe and consequently i wound up very hurt by that negligence. Dream 2... i dunno i think maybe i need to go to church. I was running from death essentially and i ran to the last two places that represent religion to me. I sought safety inside the gates of a place i consider religious, went to a monestary for help and was ultimately helped/protected by a magical priest... ummm... ok. So i suppose that means that i'm looking for some sort of spiritual fulfillment to help me deal with my fear surrounding death?
All i know is, I have some shit i'm trying to deal with, sleep paralysis can be exacerbated by ADD medication and stress (ie my life) and I'm sleepy.
After a bit of a hiatus, the nightmares have returned. I hate how they always sneak up on me without warning. To make life *that* much more interesting, they've brought along a good friend: sleep paralysis.
When i first started having the nightmares, the scariest part was always the paralysis. It's one thing to be in a dream and come out of it, but instead of the comfort that comes along with realizing you're awake and safe, i open my eyes and see things around me, and yet i'm powerless to move or speak or anything. It's weird because when i'm in the middle of that transition i feel my body freeing up in the dream and it makes me struggle/fight/thrash that much harder to wake myself. Sometimes i can do it by repeatedly shaking my head side to side and telling myself to wake up... other times i flail all my limbs as hard as I can. No matter how often it happens, i always think that i'm dead... ALWAYS. It's probably the craziest thing ever, but i lay there and i think "oh shit, it's over"... then i'm like "naw fuck that" and start moving around in hopes of waking up.
The result of the nightmares and the thrashing are of course utter exhaustion.
Last night there were two dreams. The one i remember involved me and the exhusband going to 7-11. He got out of the car but left the back driver side door open. The whole time i was sitting in the car thinking "why would he leave that open it isn't safe?" Sure enough before he could get back to the car two guys get in and tell me they're going to rape and kill me... this is of course where the paralysis kicks in. I had enough presence of mind to know that i was dreaming and that i wanted to wake up... but the paralysis and consequently having to essentially endure the dream without being able to fight back was upsetting to say the least. The result was me waking myself up by kicking and flailing.
The second dream didn't involve the paralysis but it was unsettling all the same. I was walking thru various parts of DC alone and i noticed that everywhere i went there was a guy walking up behind people and stabbing them in the back. Then he'd just walk off like nothing happened. When i finally turned on one street near where i had gone to elementary and high school i realized that he was behind me and that there was no one else on the street. I immediately picked up the pace and headed to my high school because i know that there's a guard at the gate and i figured it was safe. When i got to the guard, I told him what was going on but, of course he didn't see the guy. Realizing that the guard couldn't help me i ran up the street and came across this weird tunnel that lead to the monastery that was near my highschool. I crawled in the tunnel and waited. The guy never showed up but a priest did. I told him what happened and he did some sort of magic spell that closed off the tunnel so there was no way the guy could get to me. The guy never showed up at the tunnel though.
So... ok... dream 1. Clearly i have some feelings of betrayal by men. I don't know if the ex represents himself or men in general but that dream was all about a man who i expected to protect me not doing his job to keep me safe and consequently i wound up very hurt by that negligence. Dream 2... i dunno i think maybe i need to go to church. I was running from death essentially and i ran to the last two places that represent religion to me. I sought safety inside the gates of a place i consider religious, went to a monestary for help and was ultimately helped/protected by a magical priest... ummm... ok. So i suppose that means that i'm looking for some sort of spiritual fulfillment to help me deal with my fear surrounding death?
All i know is, I have some shit i'm trying to deal with, sleep paralysis can be exacerbated by ADD medication and stress (ie my life) and I'm sleepy.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Therapy
Once a week I go and spill my guts to some white chick who seems to think that all i need is reassurance and validation. That creates a couple problems... 1) i need a new therapist, 2) I don't like her.
I'm supposed to go talk to her today and quite frankly I'm not looking forward to it. I know what i want to talk about, but I also know how she's going to react. I express fears about infidelity, she tells me that I shouldn't worry because I'm a great person, the bf is lucky to have me and i look at her like she has breasts growing out of her forehead. I don't want to hear that. I want to hear why he seems so nonchalant about what happened. I want to hear why his attempts to reassure me didn't even come close. I want to know why i still don't trust what I've been told. I want to know why I think that even given the chance to come clean he didn't tell me everything. In other words, I want her to answer the questions that he won't.
I swear i just want to curl up into a nice little ball and sleep for like 2 months. Maybe in two months I can wake up and we'll be well into spring and everything will be happy and joyous. Somehow though, I don't think that's ever gonna happen.
I just know i'm tired and a nice long sleep would be nice.
I'm supposed to go talk to her today and quite frankly I'm not looking forward to it. I know what i want to talk about, but I also know how she's going to react. I express fears about infidelity, she tells me that I shouldn't worry because I'm a great person, the bf is lucky to have me and i look at her like she has breasts growing out of her forehead. I don't want to hear that. I want to hear why he seems so nonchalant about what happened. I want to hear why his attempts to reassure me didn't even come close. I want to know why i still don't trust what I've been told. I want to know why I think that even given the chance to come clean he didn't tell me everything. In other words, I want her to answer the questions that he won't.
I swear i just want to curl up into a nice little ball and sleep for like 2 months. Maybe in two months I can wake up and we'll be well into spring and everything will be happy and joyous. Somehow though, I don't think that's ever gonna happen.
I just know i'm tired and a nice long sleep would be nice.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
