Graduation Season

Yesterday my niece graduated from college. Saying i'm "proud" of her doesn't even begin to express how i felt yesterday. Seeing her walk across that stage as she graduated cum laude made me reminisce on how far she's come since she started college four years ago. Over the past four years she's gone from the insecure, immature high school senior to the self-assured, confident woman that i saw yesterday.

Amidst the joy i felt for her, I couldn't help but feel a bit saddened at the fact that I wasn't sharing in that joy this weekend too. Today should have been my graduation. Well no... if i had stayed a full time student and not taken a leave of absence I would have graduated today. I have mixed emotions about the whole thing to be honest. I know that the path i took was a necessary one, and i know that I have learned many lessons as a result... but at the same time, i'm ready to reach the end of that journey. All i can do is be patient and enjoy what i have. My time will come... yeah... i just keep tellin myself that.

Addiction

I've known addiction all my life. I was born into a household where my mom, dad and oldest sister smoked, my dad struggled with alcohol and gambling, and my brother-in-law smoked weed. While i know it was a somewhat different time then, i knew from a very young age the things that they were putting into their bodies and the likely effects it would have on them.

As I got older (and by older i mean 10), I began to experiment with alcohol and cigarettes. By 12 I had a full-blown drinking problem and had started to dabble in a number of drugs. I spent most of the summer before my 9th grade year in a "special camp" (ie rehab). I have come to understand that i have an addictive personality and am predisposed to addiction. I am also aware that at almost any moment i could slip back to where i was and wind up in "camp" all over again.

Over the past year or so, I have separated myself from a lot of people that i felt had the potential to negatively impact my well-being as it relates to addiction. I'm never going to look down my nose at others for what they do, but because i know my own limits (or lack of limits), I know that i can't be around some folks for fear of spiraling out of control. Although I still drink more than i should and am easily sucked into gambling, I really do work hard to keep it all fairly moderate.

We all have our vices and demons that we deal with. Sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. But overcoming those vices takes strength and support from those closest to us. There will always be those assholes that try to bring you down ("one drink ain't gonna hurt") but when you're able to build up a strong enough support system, it becomes easier and easier to resist those temptations.

I say all this to say, someone i care about has an addiction and i hope he reads this and realizes that I've been where he is and i'm there for him.

Nerves

I am afraid of most things. The short list includes:
- failure
- success
- being alone
- being around people
- being smart
- not being smart enough
- responsibility
- change
- being stagnant

I could go on but i know you get the idea.

In about 2 weeks my life is going to start moving at a very rapid rate. Between travel, work, school, and having company, I am about to be surrounded by a whirlwind of activity. The *smart* thing to do would be to use this time leading up to that to take care of the other things that need to get done and to prepare so that I am not stressed during that time... well, I don't like to do the smart thing. I'm letting too much stuff slide and it needs to stop. It's just been so long since i've been able to go home and just veg out without some "to do" list hanging over my head. And so, rather than use the time to get ahead... I relax.

My thing is, i am an AMAZING planner. My excution, however, is non-existent. That is going to change before December. That's one of the bad habits i need to break. Until I can learn to just do things on my own, I am loading up my Treo and setting daily "goals" for myself to get things done. I know that I can accomplish a ton of shit when i focus, the key is learning to focus.

Purging

I have a ton of stuff i need to get rid of.
On my first pass I got rid of people. I shaved approximately 70 people off my buddy lists. I collect people and I need to stop. There are a lot of folks that I talk to just because. Folks that I know don't like me, folks that i don't like. I just talk to them because i feel like it's the "right" thing to do. But it's not. I'm tired of pretending to like people and having them pretend to like me. Not everyone that got the axe off of the buddy list is an "enemy." Some folks I just don't like talking to. Yes, there's a difference between being an enemy and my not enjoying your conversation. Some folks i hadn't spoken to in AGES. Some folks I didn't even know who they were. But yeah... i cut a bunch of folks and really, outside of work, i'm trying to ween myself off of IM anyway. I give far too much access to folks with little to no return.

The next thing i need to purge is fat. I've got wayyyyy too much of that and i need to let a bunch of it go. That's probably gonna be the hardest thing because i'm not really one for exercising.... i'm working on it though (25 days til Jamaica :-\)

I'm also going to have to purge papers. I'm a packrat in training and I need to stop. My mom got a keepsake box from a friend for Mother's Day. I need to get something similar since i like to hang on to ticket stubbs and everything else. But the excess papers need to go. I have NEVER gone back to look at my notes from a class EVER... so why keep them? I'll keep the text books, but the notes? Nope... they gotta go.

The last thing on the current purge list is just all my bad habits. I need to get a lot of my destructive behavior under control because the self sabotoging isn't cute... at. all. I think i'm going to pick one or two to focus on and start moving forward. I'm so tired of being stagnant that it isn't even funny.

When "sorry" isn't enough

Sometimes "sorry" doesn't cut it. I mean sometimes it isn't enough to say "I'm sorry." The thing about "sorry" is that the person you say it to doesn't have to accept it and even if they chose to forgive, they don't have to forget. I'm scared that my "sorry" won't be enough this time.

Knowing that I have hurt someone I care about hurts... and that's putting it mildly. Seeing tears fall from that person's eyes makes me physically ill... and all i could do is say "i'm sorry." I couldn't even begin to put into words how much that angers me. I would do anything to be able to reverse those actions and protect the feelings that i so recklessly trampled on... but i can't. All i can say is two words that really don't mean shit. Unfortunately, at this point, I am at a loss. I mean what more can i do? There aren't enough words... there aren't enough ways to express sorry and so, i have to just accept what i did. I have to accept the feeling of complete helplessness and the fact that i can never again make that right.

The thing that hurts the most though is that, i might not ever be able to overcome this. The hurt that lead me to act so foolishly is something i am forced to deal with. That hurt has dulled somewhat, but it's still there. I'm mostly angry... angry that i did something so stupid, angry that i let myself get angry enough to behave so foolishly and angry that i am so helpless to do anything to fix this mess.

I need to find a way to forgive myself for this. From there all i can do is hope and pray that i will be forgiven and that "i'm sorry" can at least be enough to start the healing process.

I love my life.

Yesterday was just a good day. It started off simple enough. Went to work, had a couple meetings... the usual. At about 1p i get a text message that 9th and Monie Love are on their way to XM for their interview, which was perfect because it wasn't scheduled to start until 2. So i do a little more work for about an hour and head to the lobby to wait. Two o'clock comes and goes. While i'm standing in the lobby shooting the shit with Nate, fuckin Crazy Legs walks in. I'm pretty excited about that but I'm also a little annoyed because it's going on 2:10 and my guests are nowhere to be found.

A few minutes later Monie walks up... My Gawd... she's just beautiful. I remember when i was first learning about hip hop and figuring out what i liked and didn't like. I liked Monie from jump. She was like the little sister of hip hop if that makes sense. She is easily one of the most passionate people I've ever met. And meeting a woman, who is that passionate about music in general, but hip hop especially? Just WOW.

Shortly after that 9th pulled up and we went up to the interview. When we get to the studio it's Crazy Legs, 9th and Monie... just shooting the shit. I mean imagine standing there and listening to like some folks you've been following for YEARS talkin about their kids... it was surreal. Part of me felt like i was intruding... but at the same time it was like being a part of something really big. The highlight of that moment was when Monie said something to the effect that she had been trying to get 9th and Crazy Legs to meet for some time and she thanked us for making that happen. Now i know that shit was just a damn coincidence, but i mean, I had that woman's cassette way back when and she's thanking me for stuff... craziness. The interview went really well and i think i'm back in the game for pushing the True School Radio idea. 9th and Monie with a radio show? (with guest appearances by mittens!!!) That's just wow.

Last night was the True School House Party at Liv too. Just imagine a party where every single song makes you think back to "the good old days." For every song i heard last night i remember what was going on in my life when i was listening to that song, where i was living, who i was friends with... all of that stuff. I miss that about music. It's so rare that something i buy today will have that same nostalgic effect for me. But for four hours yesterday I got to dance, and sing, and reminisce on the good old days... and i got to say whatup to Grap... that always makes me smile (if you know me, you should know why that's a big deal).

But the best part of my night came when i got a text message from this guy sayin he'd be off work early. I spent the end of my night dancing with (on) him and headed home to devour some chicken wings... does it get any better than that?

Come back to Jamaica....

Remember those commercials?

Well that's what i'm doing, I am going back to Jamaica. I'm REALLY looking forward to this trip. The idea of just relaxing and being away from the stresses of my daily life is making it hard for me to be patient. Although the San Fran trip will also be a vacation, it's going to be different. I don't feel that that's going to be a relaxing trip, so i'm glad to have this "pre-vacation" to gear up for the other trip.

But yeah, Jamaica. I've only been once before and that time it was to Negril. It was beautiful beyond belief there. This time around it'll be Ocho Rios. I plan to take no less than two million pictures because the ones i took last time were AMAZING!

So this weekend is going to be a bit of a blur.

This afternoon I'm helping with an interview for Subsoniq. Monie Love and 9th Wonder will be stopping by to shoot the shit for awhile.

Then tonight I'll be here:



That's always guaranteed to be a good time.


Saturday I'm going to a happy hour in an attempt to be more social and well-liked.
Sunday is, of course Mother's Day. My sister's and i will be cooking brunch for the family and spending the day with mom.


Next weekend is my niece's graduation from college... time is FLYING by. I need to start making my mark on the world ASAP