I make lists

So last night I started making lists. I just meant to start with a "to do" list for today... it quickly turned into about three other lists... goals, groceries, furniture to buy, books to read... you name it, I listed it. And when I was done, i felt relieved. It was like a weight had been lifted. Getting things out of my head and onto paper lets me do a few things. It helps me to free up space in my brain. As long as i have that list i can forget all the things i was supposed to remember because I have my cheat sheet. Writing also helps me to visualize the things i need to do.

By the time i went to sleep I had let go of a ton of anxiety and was able to actually rest. I got up this morning and made lunch and breakfast and got to work (almost) on time.

Yaty for lists!

The problem with fortunes, superstitions, etc

so i got that fortune the other day, and i admit to believing fortunes, horoscopes, superstitions, etc when they can be twisted to say what i want them to say. So of course that fortune meant to take a chance and just move to san francisco... this afternoon i got a phone call offering me an spring internship with the government.

that's huge for me. i need that. i mean i had pretty much written off law unless i could work for the government... now here i am with an opportunity to work for the federal govt this spring. i don't know how i could pass up this opportunity... did i mention this is an unpaid internship? There's always a twist isn't there?

The "good" news is that the requirement is only 15 hrs a week. I need to talk to the externship dept at school to see how that will work in terms of getting credit. I also need to see if I will be able to keep my job or perhaps shift to part time. My only concern with asking my job to allow me to go part time or to work something out is that i *know* that once i graduate, i'm leaving. Do i ask for this "favor" knowing that in May I'll (hopefully) be quiting to work in San Fran for the summer? On the one hand i know that i need to do what's best for me, on the other i don't want to create problems for my employer.

i have 20 months to make this all fall into place and i'm pretty scared. hopefully this will all work out and the hard work will pay off.

I think I'm going to blow up my life

**disclaimer**
That should not be taken as a terrorist threat

I'm in a transitional phase in my life and I know it. I'm searching for something new and different. I want to stop spinning my wheels on things that don't mean anything to me and start focusing on making myself happy.

I am inches away from quitting law school. It doesn't make me happy. I know what you're thinking: School, especially law school, is not about being happy. I can admit that, but it shouldn't make me hate every single second of my existence. I should mention that i'm really on the fence with this and i'm not quittting until i have something specific lined up. The truth of the matter is, my prospects for law jobs are slim. I can accept that the large firm thing isn't for me. What I'm struggling with, however, is figuring out what *is* for me.

I had another breakdown last night. Not as bad as the last two but it wasn't good. Thankfully Brian was there to talk me down. I was trying my best to explain what i was feeling and i think i did a good job. I know that there are ppl out there in far worse positions than I am, but my issue is that I can't compare myself to them. I have to be good because I want to be good. i can't become complacent with the idea that someone is worse off. I don't want to be that person who doesn't pay the light bill in order to pay the cable and does the reverse the next month. I'm better than that. There's nothing wrong with struggling when you're trying to find your way, but once you find that, it's time to get on track.

That being said, I'm looking for ways to blow up my life. I know what kind of salary i need to make in order to start paying back my student loans and so i'm looking for that dream job. There's no pressure to it really. I can stick with XM while i hunt. At the same time i'm going to keep pushing forward with law school and law related jobs. Whatever is meant to be will reveal itself. I just know that i have to keep pushing forward until it does.

I was afraid this would happen

To say i have anxiety issues is truly an understatement. There have been days when leaving the house is just too much for me. I've been prescribed meds for it but i'm even more afraid of becoming one of those ppl that has to take meds to get out of bed everyday for the rest of my life, so usually i just try to push past the issues or just work from home on the days that i can't do it.

The trip this summer was different. I wasn't that person there. I wasn't that scared girl who couldn't/wouldn't leave the house. I think we went out like everyday. And on the days that we didn't go out, it wasn't because of my issues, it was just nothing that we wanted to do. I miss that girl.

From the moment we left San Fran it seems like things started going bad. Perhaps these are just normal things that seem catastrophic to me because i'm looking for reasons to write off DC forever. Whatever the case, I've gone from happy to miserable and it's really affecting me.

A lot of folks are suggesting that I focus on getting out of here. I'm not sure if that's the best approach... well not entirely. See i don't think i need to focus on just getting back to California, I think I need to focus on tying up the loose ends here in DC. The last thing that i want to do is to feel like i hastily ran off from DC and that I just left because i was afraid. When I leave this place, i want it to be because i was ready and not because i was too scared to stay here.

In that vein, we're starting to come up with a financial plan of what it will take to leave. I want to be sure that financially the pieces are in place. I was inspired by a friend this weekend to start to focus more on financial stuff. Vacations and eating out are fun but i'd like to be able to do that in the future too. Remember that fairytale about the squirrels... or was it chimpmunks? and they'd play all day, not heeding the warnings about the winter? That's how i feel. I'm just playing like there's no tomorrow when in reality winter gets closer and closer everyday. I need to prepare.

Nerves

I am afraid of most things. The short list includes:
- failure
- success
- being alone
- being around people
- being smart
- not being smart enough
- responsibility
- change
- being stagnant

I could go on but i know you get the idea.

In about 2 weeks my life is going to start moving at a very rapid rate. Between travel, work, school, and having company, I am about to be surrounded by a whirlwind of activity. The *smart* thing to do would be to use this time leading up to that to take care of the other things that need to get done and to prepare so that I am not stressed during that time... well, I don't like to do the smart thing. I'm letting too much stuff slide and it needs to stop. It's just been so long since i've been able to go home and just veg out without some "to do" list hanging over my head. And so, rather than use the time to get ahead... I relax.

My thing is, i am an AMAZING planner. My excution, however, is non-existent. That is going to change before December. That's one of the bad habits i need to break. Until I can learn to just do things on my own, I am loading up my Treo and setting daily "goals" for myself to get things done. I know that I can accomplish a ton of shit when i focus, the key is learning to focus.

Purging

I have a ton of stuff i need to get rid of.
On my first pass I got rid of people. I shaved approximately 70 people off my buddy lists. I collect people and I need to stop. There are a lot of folks that I talk to just because. Folks that I know don't like me, folks that i don't like. I just talk to them because i feel like it's the "right" thing to do. But it's not. I'm tired of pretending to like people and having them pretend to like me. Not everyone that got the axe off of the buddy list is an "enemy." Some folks I just don't like talking to. Yes, there's a difference between being an enemy and my not enjoying your conversation. Some folks i hadn't spoken to in AGES. Some folks I didn't even know who they were. But yeah... i cut a bunch of folks and really, outside of work, i'm trying to ween myself off of IM anyway. I give far too much access to folks with little to no return.

The next thing i need to purge is fat. I've got wayyyyy too much of that and i need to let a bunch of it go. That's probably gonna be the hardest thing because i'm not really one for exercising.... i'm working on it though (25 days til Jamaica :-\)

I'm also going to have to purge papers. I'm a packrat in training and I need to stop. My mom got a keepsake box from a friend for Mother's Day. I need to get something similar since i like to hang on to ticket stubbs and everything else. But the excess papers need to go. I have NEVER gone back to look at my notes from a class EVER... so why keep them? I'll keep the text books, but the notes? Nope... they gotta go.

The last thing on the current purge list is just all my bad habits. I need to get a lot of my destructive behavior under control because the self sabotoging isn't cute... at. all. I think i'm going to pick one or two to focus on and start moving forward. I'm so tired of being stagnant that it isn't even funny.

My First Grade is In.....

*insert drumroll*

A -

YAY, Bitches!
Sure it was my 2 credit class and sure it was Ethics which is basically learning what to say when asked what one *should* do and sure most people don't really do what's ethical... but so what? My GPA is creepin up!

That was a welcome surprise. I have two more grades that will need to post: Family Law and Evidence. Family Law will probably post soon. Evidence I'm not so sure about. I've been giving a lot of thought lately to what i want to do after graduation. Although the $130,000 starting salary sounds WONDERFUL, i really don't want to follow that path. I want to do something I'm interested in and something that i feel will make a difference. Me sorting through paperwork at some huge law firm isn't my idea of satifying. I'm toying with the idea of pursuing a career as a public defender or perhaps a prosecutor. I had an interesting convo with a guy who prosecutes children. Sounds fucked up, right? I was all ready to be pissed at him, but he was talking about how he has the leeway to decide the types of punishment and how he pushes for rehabilitation for youth. If i had an opportunity to do something like that where i had that much autonomy it might not be so bad.

In the fall I will be taking Administrative Law, Sales and Secured Transactions, and Criminal Trial Advocacy. The last court is all about learning how to try a case. I'm hoping to kill two birds with one stone on that one: 1) See if I really want to be a trial lawyer and 2) Work on speaking up and being more confident. Those three classes equal 9 credit hours and i'll also have office hours for the Admin Law Review. I'm also going to be helping to edit the publication and hopefully be interviewing and trying to do something law related for next summer. Ideally I'd like to quit my current job and start working as a law clerk in the Spring. We'll see where that goes.

Stepping Out

**Disclaimer**
This entry isn't about cheating. If that's what you're looking for, please exit stage left.

Now...
I am socially awkward... or maybe i should say, i can be socially awkward. I don't really do well with small talk and my networking skills are deplorable. I'm good at talking to my friends. I'm good at running my mouth with people i know well. But for the most part i am painfully shy when it comes to unfamiliar situations.

A huge part of getting a job upon graduation will have to do with my ability to network, small talk, initiate convo etc. That scares me. To say i have anxiety issues is probably a gross understatement. Some days I'm not able to leave the house. So imagine trying to force myself to not only leave the house but to throw myself into an uncomfortable and unfamiliar situation. It's not something that i look forward to.

I can't even begin to count the number of times i've seen someone that i recognize and i'll go over to say "hello" or something. As soon as they respond i'm ready for the convo to end. So while they're going thru the whole "OMG! I haven't seen you in so long how are you?!" I'm like "well it was good to see you bye!" That makes for a most awkward convo.

I've been trying to force myself into becoming more comfortable in social situations. By forcing myself to go to happy hours, trying to join clubs/organizations, etc., i'm hoping that i can learn to be comfortable in social settings and to gain confidence in my ability to talk to people and carry on conversations. I am also taking a course next semester that will simulate trials. I hope that it will make me feel more comfortable with my public speaking and help me to stop feeling so awkward.

It's hard forcing yourself past your boundaries and making yourself try something new, but i'm workin on it!

What i learned today

Today I learned that it is VERY hard to do someone else's grocery shopping for them. I spent approximately 2.5 hours on what amounted to a scavenger hunt in my local grocery store. Since my dad can't be in the house alone, my sister and I take turns doing the grocery shopping for the family. Now I will give it to my mom, she gave me VERY detailed info about what she wanted. From sizes to name brands, she gave me all of the info i could possibly need. But 99% of the things she wanted are things that i had never purchased... three bean salad? fordhook lima beans? At any rate, I am happy to say I got every single item on the list.


I can't imagine how difficult it is to give up as much control of your life that my mom has. As much as i dislike grocery shopping, I can't imagine not being able to do it for myself. The love that my mother has for my father is the most amazing thing I've ever witnessed. I truly hope that I am able to learn to love that selflessly.

That's the cover of the Administrative Law Review. According to Wikipedia:

The Administrative Law Review (cited to as Admin. L. Rev.) is a law journal officially published by the American Bar Association Section of Administrative Law & Regulatory Practice and American University Washington College of Law. The ALR, which is published quarterly, contains articles, essays, and book reviews by professional legal scholars and practitioners, as well as student-written notes and comments.

Recognized in the legal community as holding title to one of the highest circulation rates of any student-edited journal, the ALR maintains a readership consisting of both private subscriptions and many of the 17,000 members of the American Bar Association Section of Administrative Law & Regulatory Practice.

The ALR is also one of four journals edited by law students at The American University Washington College of Law.

I was selected to be on the staff of this journal. That means that i will be editing and possibly writing for this publication. I'm beyond excited about this. I mean i don't think that i'm going to have a ton of fun editing and writing, but this is a huge deal for me.

I also spent a HUGE part of the day buying things for the trip. Specifically stuff for this monster of a cat. A new carrier, a collar, a name tag, harness, leash... I think i got everything... and of course i overspent. Interestingly enough, this 21 pound cat is too big for any of the cat products. Everything i bought today is for a medium sized dog. I guess he needs to be in the gym with me.

*Exhales*

A little over three weeks ago I handed in my entry for the annual short write on competition at my school. As I handed it in, I knew that I had done my absolute best. I had written, edited, revised, rewritten, edited and revised some more. It was honestly my best effort. Today, at 2pm, I got a call that I had been selected for the Administrative Law Review. That's a pretty big deal and I am extremely happy.

When I tried to do this competition before during my first year of school, I didn't make it past the first day. I tried to read the materials, couldn't get focused, couldn't get organized, and just quit. What a difference a couple of years makes. The sense of accomplishment that is associated with this for me is AMAZING. Even though I spent the early part of the day completely freaked out about not making it, I still knew that I had given 100%.

The accomplishment is still a bit bittersweet (aren't they always). My grades are still a little low and could possibly limit my opportunities. But this has shown me what I'm capable of. I spend so much time looking around at the other students and trying to figure out where I fit in. Truth is, I'm right up there with them.