*insert drumroll*
A -
YAY, Bitches!
Sure it was my 2 credit class and sure it was Ethics which is basically learning what to say when asked what one *should* do and sure most people don't really do what's ethical... but so what? My GPA is creepin up!
That was a welcome surprise. I have two more grades that will need to post: Family Law and Evidence. Family Law will probably post soon. Evidence I'm not so sure about. I've been giving a lot of thought lately to what i want to do after graduation. Although the $130,000 starting salary sounds WONDERFUL, i really don't want to follow that path. I want to do something I'm interested in and something that i feel will make a difference. Me sorting through paperwork at some huge law firm isn't my idea of satifying. I'm toying with the idea of pursuing a career as a public defender or perhaps a prosecutor. I had an interesting convo with a guy who prosecutes children. Sounds fucked up, right? I was all ready to be pissed at him, but he was talking about how he has the leeway to decide the types of punishment and how he pushes for rehabilitation for youth. If i had an opportunity to do something like that where i had that much autonomy it might not be so bad.
In the fall I will be taking Administrative Law, Sales and Secured Transactions, and Criminal Trial Advocacy. The last court is all about learning how to try a case. I'm hoping to kill two birds with one stone on that one: 1) See if I really want to be a trial lawyer and 2) Work on speaking up and being more confident. Those three classes equal 9 credit hours and i'll also have office hours for the Admin Law Review. I'm also going to be helping to edit the publication and hopefully be interviewing and trying to do something law related for next summer. Ideally I'd like to quit my current job and start working as a law clerk in the Spring. We'll see where that goes.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Stepping Out
**Disclaimer**
This entry isn't about cheating. If that's what you're looking for, please exit stage left.
Now...
I am socially awkward... or maybe i should say, i can be socially awkward. I don't really do well with small talk and my networking skills are deplorable. I'm good at talking to my friends. I'm good at running my mouth with people i know well. But for the most part i am painfully shy when it comes to unfamiliar situations.
A huge part of getting a job upon graduation will have to do with my ability to network, small talk, initiate convo etc. That scares me. To say i have anxiety issues is probably a gross understatement. Some days I'm not able to leave the house. So imagine trying to force myself to not only leave the house but to throw myself into an uncomfortable and unfamiliar situation. It's not something that i look forward to.
I can't even begin to count the number of times i've seen someone that i recognize and i'll go over to say "hello" or something. As soon as they respond i'm ready for the convo to end. So while they're going thru the whole "OMG! I haven't seen you in so long how are you?!" I'm like "well it was good to see you bye!" That makes for a most awkward convo.
I've been trying to force myself into becoming more comfortable in social situations. By forcing myself to go to happy hours, trying to join clubs/organizations, etc., i'm hoping that i can learn to be comfortable in social settings and to gain confidence in my ability to talk to people and carry on conversations. I am also taking a course next semester that will simulate trials. I hope that it will make me feel more comfortable with my public speaking and help me to stop feeling so awkward.
It's hard forcing yourself past your boundaries and making yourself try something new, but i'm workin on it!
This entry isn't about cheating. If that's what you're looking for, please exit stage left.
Now...
I am socially awkward... or maybe i should say, i can be socially awkward. I don't really do well with small talk and my networking skills are deplorable. I'm good at talking to my friends. I'm good at running my mouth with people i know well. But for the most part i am painfully shy when it comes to unfamiliar situations.
A huge part of getting a job upon graduation will have to do with my ability to network, small talk, initiate convo etc. That scares me. To say i have anxiety issues is probably a gross understatement. Some days I'm not able to leave the house. So imagine trying to force myself to not only leave the house but to throw myself into an uncomfortable and unfamiliar situation. It's not something that i look forward to.
I can't even begin to count the number of times i've seen someone that i recognize and i'll go over to say "hello" or something. As soon as they respond i'm ready for the convo to end. So while they're going thru the whole "OMG! I haven't seen you in so long how are you?!" I'm like "well it was good to see you bye!" That makes for a most awkward convo.
I've been trying to force myself into becoming more comfortable in social situations. By forcing myself to go to happy hours, trying to join clubs/organizations, etc., i'm hoping that i can learn to be comfortable in social settings and to gain confidence in my ability to talk to people and carry on conversations. I am also taking a course next semester that will simulate trials. I hope that it will make me feel more comfortable with my public speaking and help me to stop feeling so awkward.
It's hard forcing yourself past your boundaries and making yourself try something new, but i'm workin on it!
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
4 down, 4 to go
I took my last exam of the semester last night. I am officially finished with my second year of Law School. I am now officially half way there (i'm a part time student). As gueling as this process is, it isn't as bad as i expected. Well it kinda is... but I'm not suicidal.
I remember when it all started... i didn't know what in the hell to expect. That seems like so damned long ago. I was thinking back to a surprise party that my friends threw for me to celebrate my nerdy accomplishment... the people that were there... I don't talk to more than half of them now. If someone would have told me on that day to look around the table and pick the 4 people i thought i would be cool with three years later, i'm not sure whether i would have guessed correctly. Throughout my life I've been a bit of a friend collector. I liked having lots of "friends" and knowing people. It kinda made me feel important to be able to go somewhere and always see a "friend." Over the last few years though, I've started to move away from that. It's kinda nice to go somewhere and not recognize folks. There's a certain comfort in anonymity... But yeah, here i am three years later. I am a completely different person, and i like it.
So with year #2 behind me I can officially switch gears to my summer plans... getting to catch up with a friend i haven't seen in over a year, going to Jamaica with someone I love dearly, travelling across country on a 6 week adventure... there's just so much for me to look forward to and quite honestly, I deserve every bit of it.
I remember when it all started... i didn't know what in the hell to expect. That seems like so damned long ago. I was thinking back to a surprise party that my friends threw for me to celebrate my nerdy accomplishment... the people that were there... I don't talk to more than half of them now. If someone would have told me on that day to look around the table and pick the 4 people i thought i would be cool with three years later, i'm not sure whether i would have guessed correctly. Throughout my life I've been a bit of a friend collector. I liked having lots of "friends" and knowing people. It kinda made me feel important to be able to go somewhere and always see a "friend." Over the last few years though, I've started to move away from that. It's kinda nice to go somewhere and not recognize folks. There's a certain comfort in anonymity... But yeah, here i am three years later. I am a completely different person, and i like it.
So with year #2 behind me I can officially switch gears to my summer plans... getting to catch up with a friend i haven't seen in over a year, going to Jamaica with someone I love dearly, travelling across country on a 6 week adventure... there's just so much for me to look forward to and quite honestly, I deserve every bit of it.
Monday, May 7, 2007
Man oh Man...
I never thought i'd say it but thank God the weekend is over. I've got a ton of work i need to do on myself. Coming so close to losing something so important taught me a lot about the person i am and the person i want to be. Although i know there will be some issues with readjusting, I'm glad that things are back on track. No more secrets... ever.
On a completely unrelated note, today is my last final as a 2L... yay, bitch. I'm ready for this semester to be OVER. All in all i think i did ok this semester. School is starting to come to me a little bit easier. The goal this summer is to learn all about Admin Law and pick a topic for my paper. Hopefully i'll find something interesting.
I've also decided that after this trip to SF this summer I'm gonna put my hopes of moving out that way on hold for awhile. I think for next summer i'm going to focus my job search on the NY and DC areas only and see where that leads. I'll also be taking the bar in NY... ummm yeah.
Either way, life is ok today. I'm smiling and that's all that matters to me right now.
On a completely unrelated note, today is my last final as a 2L... yay, bitch. I'm ready for this semester to be OVER. All in all i think i did ok this semester. School is starting to come to me a little bit easier. The goal this summer is to learn all about Admin Law and pick a topic for my paper. Hopefully i'll find something interesting.
I've also decided that after this trip to SF this summer I'm gonna put my hopes of moving out that way on hold for awhile. I think for next summer i'm going to focus my job search on the NY and DC areas only and see where that leads. I'll also be taking the bar in NY... ummm yeah.
Either way, life is ok today. I'm smiling and that's all that matters to me right now.
Saturday, May 5, 2007
My mommy yelled at me this morning
Whenever something really bad happens and i don't know how to deal with it, I call my mom and ask her to pray for me. Me and my best friend joke that she has a direct line to God because her prayers always seem to work.
I asked her to pray for me and she asked why... and i told her. And she laid me the fuck out. I don't think i've been yelled at like that in YEARS. The conversation ended with her expressing her utter annoyance with me and hanging up on me. To say i feel alienated right now is probably the biggest understatement ever.
I asked her to pray for me and she asked why... and i told her. And she laid me the fuck out. I don't think i've been yelled at like that in YEARS. The conversation ended with her expressing her utter annoyance with me and hanging up on me. To say i feel alienated right now is probably the biggest understatement ever.
Friday, May 4, 2007
. . .
Breaking trust is fast, building it is slow. © Henry Abbott
Who woulda thought a blog about the NBA could contain such a relevant statement? I lost someone's trust today and i have no one to blame but myself. I honestly can't think of a bigger mistake i've ever made in my life. I wish i could come up with the right words to even describe what i feel (isn't that what blogs are for) but i can't.
The closest i think i've ever come to feeling this bad about something is when my mother called me crying and asking me what was going on with me down in Hampton. She demanded to know why she gave me plenty of money for rent and bills and yet, I was about to be evicted. She wanted to know why my phone was cut off when i had called her twice for money to pay it, both times promising her that i had. She asked if i was on drugs and if someone was doing something to me. I told her i was fine. that i had just bought some things at the mall and that i was sorry.
She didn't believe a word i said. Not a single one. But she sent more money anyway. And one day, i showed up back home with all my stuff. I was 34 pounds lighter than when she had last seen me. I was tired and i was defeated. She NEVER asked me again what was going on. Never. But i had lost her trust. She wouldn't give me money for anything. when i was looking for a job and i asked for gas money or metro fare, she'd give me her gas card or a bus token... no cash. If i was going somewhere she'd nod at my whereabouts and try to verify them upon my return.
Losing her trust has been one of the most painful things that I have ever had to experience. It's been almost ten years to the day that i showed up back at home from school. May 8, 1997, to be exact. History has a way of repeating itself i suppose. Today i realized that i again have lost the trust of someone i care about deeply. I have that same feeling of emptiness and nausea in my stomach. I mean what can you really do? Hope? Pray? Wait? I'm all out of options...
Who woulda thought a blog about the NBA could contain such a relevant statement? I lost someone's trust today and i have no one to blame but myself. I honestly can't think of a bigger mistake i've ever made in my life. I wish i could come up with the right words to even describe what i feel (isn't that what blogs are for) but i can't.
The closest i think i've ever come to feeling this bad about something is when my mother called me crying and asking me what was going on with me down in Hampton. She demanded to know why she gave me plenty of money for rent and bills and yet, I was about to be evicted. She wanted to know why my phone was cut off when i had called her twice for money to pay it, both times promising her that i had. She asked if i was on drugs and if someone was doing something to me. I told her i was fine. that i had just bought some things at the mall and that i was sorry.
She didn't believe a word i said. Not a single one. But she sent more money anyway. And one day, i showed up back home with all my stuff. I was 34 pounds lighter than when she had last seen me. I was tired and i was defeated. She NEVER asked me again what was going on. Never. But i had lost her trust. She wouldn't give me money for anything. when i was looking for a job and i asked for gas money or metro fare, she'd give me her gas card or a bus token... no cash. If i was going somewhere she'd nod at my whereabouts and try to verify them upon my return.
Losing her trust has been one of the most painful things that I have ever had to experience. It's been almost ten years to the day that i showed up back at home from school. May 8, 1997, to be exact. History has a way of repeating itself i suppose. Today i realized that i again have lost the trust of someone i care about deeply. I have that same feeling of emptiness and nausea in my stomach. I mean what can you really do? Hope? Pray? Wait? I'm all out of options...
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Nightmares and Sleep Paralysis
*insert long sigh here*
After a bit of a hiatus, the nightmares have returned. I hate how they always sneak up on me without warning. To make life *that* much more interesting, they've brought along a good friend: sleep paralysis.
When i first started having the nightmares, the scariest part was always the paralysis. It's one thing to be in a dream and come out of it, but instead of the comfort that comes along with realizing you're awake and safe, i open my eyes and see things around me, and yet i'm powerless to move or speak or anything. It's weird because when i'm in the middle of that transition i feel my body freeing up in the dream and it makes me struggle/fight/thrash that much harder to wake myself. Sometimes i can do it by repeatedly shaking my head side to side and telling myself to wake up... other times i flail all my limbs as hard as I can. No matter how often it happens, i always think that i'm dead... ALWAYS. It's probably the craziest thing ever, but i lay there and i think "oh shit, it's over"... then i'm like "naw fuck that" and start moving around in hopes of waking up.
The result of the nightmares and the thrashing are of course utter exhaustion.
Last night there were two dreams. The one i remember involved me and the exhusband going to 7-11. He got out of the car but left the back driver side door open. The whole time i was sitting in the car thinking "why would he leave that open it isn't safe?" Sure enough before he could get back to the car two guys get in and tell me they're going to rape and kill me... this is of course where the paralysis kicks in. I had enough presence of mind to know that i was dreaming and that i wanted to wake up... but the paralysis and consequently having to essentially endure the dream without being able to fight back was upsetting to say the least. The result was me waking myself up by kicking and flailing.
The second dream didn't involve the paralysis but it was unsettling all the same. I was walking thru various parts of DC alone and i noticed that everywhere i went there was a guy walking up behind people and stabbing them in the back. Then he'd just walk off like nothing happened. When i finally turned on one street near where i had gone to elementary and high school i realized that he was behind me and that there was no one else on the street. I immediately picked up the pace and headed to my high school because i know that there's a guard at the gate and i figured it was safe. When i got to the guard, I told him what was going on but, of course he didn't see the guy. Realizing that the guard couldn't help me i ran up the street and came across this weird tunnel that lead to the monastery that was near my highschool. I crawled in the tunnel and waited. The guy never showed up but a priest did. I told him what happened and he did some sort of magic spell that closed off the tunnel so there was no way the guy could get to me. The guy never showed up at the tunnel though.
So... ok... dream 1. Clearly i have some feelings of betrayal by men. I don't know if the ex represents himself or men in general but that dream was all about a man who i expected to protect me not doing his job to keep me safe and consequently i wound up very hurt by that negligence. Dream 2... i dunno i think maybe i need to go to church. I was running from death essentially and i ran to the last two places that represent religion to me. I sought safety inside the gates of a place i consider religious, went to a monestary for help and was ultimately helped/protected by a magical priest... ummm... ok. So i suppose that means that i'm looking for some sort of spiritual fulfillment to help me deal with my fear surrounding death?
All i know is, I have some shit i'm trying to deal with, sleep paralysis can be exacerbated by ADD medication and stress (ie my life) and I'm sleepy.
After a bit of a hiatus, the nightmares have returned. I hate how they always sneak up on me without warning. To make life *that* much more interesting, they've brought along a good friend: sleep paralysis.
When i first started having the nightmares, the scariest part was always the paralysis. It's one thing to be in a dream and come out of it, but instead of the comfort that comes along with realizing you're awake and safe, i open my eyes and see things around me, and yet i'm powerless to move or speak or anything. It's weird because when i'm in the middle of that transition i feel my body freeing up in the dream and it makes me struggle/fight/thrash that much harder to wake myself. Sometimes i can do it by repeatedly shaking my head side to side and telling myself to wake up... other times i flail all my limbs as hard as I can. No matter how often it happens, i always think that i'm dead... ALWAYS. It's probably the craziest thing ever, but i lay there and i think "oh shit, it's over"... then i'm like "naw fuck that" and start moving around in hopes of waking up.
The result of the nightmares and the thrashing are of course utter exhaustion.
Last night there were two dreams. The one i remember involved me and the exhusband going to 7-11. He got out of the car but left the back driver side door open. The whole time i was sitting in the car thinking "why would he leave that open it isn't safe?" Sure enough before he could get back to the car two guys get in and tell me they're going to rape and kill me... this is of course where the paralysis kicks in. I had enough presence of mind to know that i was dreaming and that i wanted to wake up... but the paralysis and consequently having to essentially endure the dream without being able to fight back was upsetting to say the least. The result was me waking myself up by kicking and flailing.
The second dream didn't involve the paralysis but it was unsettling all the same. I was walking thru various parts of DC alone and i noticed that everywhere i went there was a guy walking up behind people and stabbing them in the back. Then he'd just walk off like nothing happened. When i finally turned on one street near where i had gone to elementary and high school i realized that he was behind me and that there was no one else on the street. I immediately picked up the pace and headed to my high school because i know that there's a guard at the gate and i figured it was safe. When i got to the guard, I told him what was going on but, of course he didn't see the guy. Realizing that the guard couldn't help me i ran up the street and came across this weird tunnel that lead to the monastery that was near my highschool. I crawled in the tunnel and waited. The guy never showed up but a priest did. I told him what happened and he did some sort of magic spell that closed off the tunnel so there was no way the guy could get to me. The guy never showed up at the tunnel though.
So... ok... dream 1. Clearly i have some feelings of betrayal by men. I don't know if the ex represents himself or men in general but that dream was all about a man who i expected to protect me not doing his job to keep me safe and consequently i wound up very hurt by that negligence. Dream 2... i dunno i think maybe i need to go to church. I was running from death essentially and i ran to the last two places that represent religion to me. I sought safety inside the gates of a place i consider religious, went to a monestary for help and was ultimately helped/protected by a magical priest... ummm... ok. So i suppose that means that i'm looking for some sort of spiritual fulfillment to help me deal with my fear surrounding death?
All i know is, I have some shit i'm trying to deal with, sleep paralysis can be exacerbated by ADD medication and stress (ie my life) and I'm sleepy.
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