How mittens lost her gangsta

It's a good thing... i mean kinda. I'm soft now. Well i've always been soft, but it's blatant these days... skirts, makeup, heels... it's all there. It's not all the time, but it's creeping in. Part of it is the heat, the other part is just a general increased comfort with letting my guard down and being vulnerable. There's also more self confidence. I still go thru the ups and downs... but i'm human and i'm learning that even that is ok. I'm growing and it feels great.

And now... a photo that i took yesterday morning... gheyness at it's finest.

It's a Lazy Afternoon

... if i was a cat i'd purr.

I had a lovely afternoon topped off with some cuddling and a nice nap on the sofa.

I'm smiling

Sometimes I do some pretty dumb $#!+

Can anyone tell me what's wrong with this picture?
Now i have to decide whether I should pay the $110 to replace it or act like the crack doesn't bother me.

Breaking my toys makes me sad

And another one...

B+

*dances*

I'm just waiting on one more grade. I realized last night that my GPA is never gonna look good on paper. It'll look decent and i'll definitely have a B average of some sort... but i'll never be an A- student. Which i'm actually ok with. Lately I've been doing research on some nontraditional options for after graduation. I never wanted to be the law firm type anyway so i'm ok with that. I think the government route will be for me so that's what I'm focusing on. Hopefully i can find a way to do that and not live in DC.

I'm a bit disappointed in myself. I've made strides in some areas but i'm sitting on my ass in others. Tonight I'm going to go home and get a TON of shit accomplished. I have no choice. I need to find a better way to kick myself in the ass because i've been lacking in that department lately.

It doesn't help that i've been off my meds for awhile too. I need to stop doing that... that's a dangerous game to play. I'm clearly not a doctor so I should probably avoid playing one with my own meds.

Sometimes

Sometimes I get my hopes up. I make things into way more than they need be... I envision how things will play out and conjure fairy tale endings to go along with it. Rarely do things go that way. I've never had a fairy tale ending so i'm not too sure why i'm expecting one now.

The dreamer in me is starting to give way to the realist. Moments of happiness are interspersed with sadness. Dreams that i've had are put on hold indefinitely to make way for those of others. Maybe someday someone will want to make my dreams a reality too... I doubt it though cuz like i said before i've never had a fairy tale ending... I doubt they'll start now

10 19 46 51

10: The number of days until I see an old friend again. That's like the official kickoff to my summer of greatness. After I hug her to death I plan to spend the rest of the weekend laffing like a fool and relaxing

19: The number of days until we leave for Jamaica. Man... if ever i needed a vacation... I hope to spend the majority of that trip laying next to someone's beach, sipping some sort of alcoholic beverage and relaxing.

46: The number of days until my trip to the MLB All Star week festivities. Never been to something like this and i'm really looking forward to it. Although I try to hide my baseball enthusiast side, I'm extremely excited to be going to this event. Hopefully i'll get to meet some folks and finally enjoy some perks of the job.

51: That's the number of days until my leave of absence and subsequent cross-country drive. I have like a MILLION things to do before then so I really need to focus. I think that by the end of this week I'm going to do one last budget and then start tying up the loose ends... new tires, dentist appointment, Fishbone's trip to the vet, etc. I have a lot to do and it's about to get real hectic. I need to get on the ball before I find myself completely out of time.

It's nice to be this happy and excited after being so unhappy for so long.

Graduation Season

Yesterday my niece graduated from college. Saying i'm "proud" of her doesn't even begin to express how i felt yesterday. Seeing her walk across that stage as she graduated cum laude made me reminisce on how far she's come since she started college four years ago. Over the past four years she's gone from the insecure, immature high school senior to the self-assured, confident woman that i saw yesterday.

Amidst the joy i felt for her, I couldn't help but feel a bit saddened at the fact that I wasn't sharing in that joy this weekend too. Today should have been my graduation. Well no... if i had stayed a full time student and not taken a leave of absence I would have graduated today. I have mixed emotions about the whole thing to be honest. I know that the path i took was a necessary one, and i know that I have learned many lessons as a result... but at the same time, i'm ready to reach the end of that journey. All i can do is be patient and enjoy what i have. My time will come... yeah... i just keep tellin myself that.

Addiction

I've known addiction all my life. I was born into a household where my mom, dad and oldest sister smoked, my dad struggled with alcohol and gambling, and my brother-in-law smoked weed. While i know it was a somewhat different time then, i knew from a very young age the things that they were putting into their bodies and the likely effects it would have on them.

As I got older (and by older i mean 10), I began to experiment with alcohol and cigarettes. By 12 I had a full-blown drinking problem and had started to dabble in a number of drugs. I spent most of the summer before my 9th grade year in a "special camp" (ie rehab). I have come to understand that i have an addictive personality and am predisposed to addiction. I am also aware that at almost any moment i could slip back to where i was and wind up in "camp" all over again.

Over the past year or so, I have separated myself from a lot of people that i felt had the potential to negatively impact my well-being as it relates to addiction. I'm never going to look down my nose at others for what they do, but because i know my own limits (or lack of limits), I know that i can't be around some folks for fear of spiraling out of control. Although I still drink more than i should and am easily sucked into gambling, I really do work hard to keep it all fairly moderate.

We all have our vices and demons that we deal with. Sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. But overcoming those vices takes strength and support from those closest to us. There will always be those assholes that try to bring you down ("one drink ain't gonna hurt") but when you're able to build up a strong enough support system, it becomes easier and easier to resist those temptations.

I say all this to say, someone i care about has an addiction and i hope he reads this and realizes that I've been where he is and i'm there for him.

Nerves

I am afraid of most things. The short list includes:
- failure
- success
- being alone
- being around people
- being smart
- not being smart enough
- responsibility
- change
- being stagnant

I could go on but i know you get the idea.

In about 2 weeks my life is going to start moving at a very rapid rate. Between travel, work, school, and having company, I am about to be surrounded by a whirlwind of activity. The *smart* thing to do would be to use this time leading up to that to take care of the other things that need to get done and to prepare so that I am not stressed during that time... well, I don't like to do the smart thing. I'm letting too much stuff slide and it needs to stop. It's just been so long since i've been able to go home and just veg out without some "to do" list hanging over my head. And so, rather than use the time to get ahead... I relax.

My thing is, i am an AMAZING planner. My excution, however, is non-existent. That is going to change before December. That's one of the bad habits i need to break. Until I can learn to just do things on my own, I am loading up my Treo and setting daily "goals" for myself to get things done. I know that I can accomplish a ton of shit when i focus, the key is learning to focus.

Purging

I have a ton of stuff i need to get rid of.
On my first pass I got rid of people. I shaved approximately 70 people off my buddy lists. I collect people and I need to stop. There are a lot of folks that I talk to just because. Folks that I know don't like me, folks that i don't like. I just talk to them because i feel like it's the "right" thing to do. But it's not. I'm tired of pretending to like people and having them pretend to like me. Not everyone that got the axe off of the buddy list is an "enemy." Some folks I just don't like talking to. Yes, there's a difference between being an enemy and my not enjoying your conversation. Some folks i hadn't spoken to in AGES. Some folks I didn't even know who they were. But yeah... i cut a bunch of folks and really, outside of work, i'm trying to ween myself off of IM anyway. I give far too much access to folks with little to no return.

The next thing i need to purge is fat. I've got wayyyyy too much of that and i need to let a bunch of it go. That's probably gonna be the hardest thing because i'm not really one for exercising.... i'm working on it though (25 days til Jamaica :-\)

I'm also going to have to purge papers. I'm a packrat in training and I need to stop. My mom got a keepsake box from a friend for Mother's Day. I need to get something similar since i like to hang on to ticket stubbs and everything else. But the excess papers need to go. I have NEVER gone back to look at my notes from a class EVER... so why keep them? I'll keep the text books, but the notes? Nope... they gotta go.

The last thing on the current purge list is just all my bad habits. I need to get a lot of my destructive behavior under control because the self sabotoging isn't cute... at. all. I think i'm going to pick one or two to focus on and start moving forward. I'm so tired of being stagnant that it isn't even funny.

When "sorry" isn't enough

Sometimes "sorry" doesn't cut it. I mean sometimes it isn't enough to say "I'm sorry." The thing about "sorry" is that the person you say it to doesn't have to accept it and even if they chose to forgive, they don't have to forget. I'm scared that my "sorry" won't be enough this time.

Knowing that I have hurt someone I care about hurts... and that's putting it mildly. Seeing tears fall from that person's eyes makes me physically ill... and all i could do is say "i'm sorry." I couldn't even begin to put into words how much that angers me. I would do anything to be able to reverse those actions and protect the feelings that i so recklessly trampled on... but i can't. All i can say is two words that really don't mean shit. Unfortunately, at this point, I am at a loss. I mean what more can i do? There aren't enough words... there aren't enough ways to express sorry and so, i have to just accept what i did. I have to accept the feeling of complete helplessness and the fact that i can never again make that right.

The thing that hurts the most though is that, i might not ever be able to overcome this. The hurt that lead me to act so foolishly is something i am forced to deal with. That hurt has dulled somewhat, but it's still there. I'm mostly angry... angry that i did something so stupid, angry that i let myself get angry enough to behave so foolishly and angry that i am so helpless to do anything to fix this mess.

I need to find a way to forgive myself for this. From there all i can do is hope and pray that i will be forgiven and that "i'm sorry" can at least be enough to start the healing process.

I love my life.

Yesterday was just a good day. It started off simple enough. Went to work, had a couple meetings... the usual. At about 1p i get a text message that 9th and Monie Love are on their way to XM for their interview, which was perfect because it wasn't scheduled to start until 2. So i do a little more work for about an hour and head to the lobby to wait. Two o'clock comes and goes. While i'm standing in the lobby shooting the shit with Nate, fuckin Crazy Legs walks in. I'm pretty excited about that but I'm also a little annoyed because it's going on 2:10 and my guests are nowhere to be found.

A few minutes later Monie walks up... My Gawd... she's just beautiful. I remember when i was first learning about hip hop and figuring out what i liked and didn't like. I liked Monie from jump. She was like the little sister of hip hop if that makes sense. She is easily one of the most passionate people I've ever met. And meeting a woman, who is that passionate about music in general, but hip hop especially? Just WOW.

Shortly after that 9th pulled up and we went up to the interview. When we get to the studio it's Crazy Legs, 9th and Monie... just shooting the shit. I mean imagine standing there and listening to like some folks you've been following for YEARS talkin about their kids... it was surreal. Part of me felt like i was intruding... but at the same time it was like being a part of something really big. The highlight of that moment was when Monie said something to the effect that she had been trying to get 9th and Crazy Legs to meet for some time and she thanked us for making that happen. Now i know that shit was just a damn coincidence, but i mean, I had that woman's cassette way back when and she's thanking me for stuff... craziness. The interview went really well and i think i'm back in the game for pushing the True School Radio idea. 9th and Monie with a radio show? (with guest appearances by mittens!!!) That's just wow.

Last night was the True School House Party at Liv too. Just imagine a party where every single song makes you think back to "the good old days." For every song i heard last night i remember what was going on in my life when i was listening to that song, where i was living, who i was friends with... all of that stuff. I miss that about music. It's so rare that something i buy today will have that same nostalgic effect for me. But for four hours yesterday I got to dance, and sing, and reminisce on the good old days... and i got to say whatup to Grap... that always makes me smile (if you know me, you should know why that's a big deal).

But the best part of my night came when i got a text message from this guy sayin he'd be off work early. I spent the end of my night dancing with (on) him and headed home to devour some chicken wings... does it get any better than that?

Come back to Jamaica....

Remember those commercials?

Well that's what i'm doing, I am going back to Jamaica. I'm REALLY looking forward to this trip. The idea of just relaxing and being away from the stresses of my daily life is making it hard for me to be patient. Although the San Fran trip will also be a vacation, it's going to be different. I don't feel that that's going to be a relaxing trip, so i'm glad to have this "pre-vacation" to gear up for the other trip.

But yeah, Jamaica. I've only been once before and that time it was to Negril. It was beautiful beyond belief there. This time around it'll be Ocho Rios. I plan to take no less than two million pictures because the ones i took last time were AMAZING!

So this weekend is going to be a bit of a blur.

This afternoon I'm helping with an interview for Subsoniq. Monie Love and 9th Wonder will be stopping by to shoot the shit for awhile.

Then tonight I'll be here:



That's always guaranteed to be a good time.


Saturday I'm going to a happy hour in an attempt to be more social and well-liked.
Sunday is, of course Mother's Day. My sister's and i will be cooking brunch for the family and spending the day with mom.


Next weekend is my niece's graduation from college... time is FLYING by. I need to start making my mark on the world ASAP

My First Grade is In.....

*insert drumroll*

A -

YAY, Bitches!
Sure it was my 2 credit class and sure it was Ethics which is basically learning what to say when asked what one *should* do and sure most people don't really do what's ethical... but so what? My GPA is creepin up!

That was a welcome surprise. I have two more grades that will need to post: Family Law and Evidence. Family Law will probably post soon. Evidence I'm not so sure about. I've been giving a lot of thought lately to what i want to do after graduation. Although the $130,000 starting salary sounds WONDERFUL, i really don't want to follow that path. I want to do something I'm interested in and something that i feel will make a difference. Me sorting through paperwork at some huge law firm isn't my idea of satifying. I'm toying with the idea of pursuing a career as a public defender or perhaps a prosecutor. I had an interesting convo with a guy who prosecutes children. Sounds fucked up, right? I was all ready to be pissed at him, but he was talking about how he has the leeway to decide the types of punishment and how he pushes for rehabilitation for youth. If i had an opportunity to do something like that where i had that much autonomy it might not be so bad.

In the fall I will be taking Administrative Law, Sales and Secured Transactions, and Criminal Trial Advocacy. The last court is all about learning how to try a case. I'm hoping to kill two birds with one stone on that one: 1) See if I really want to be a trial lawyer and 2) Work on speaking up and being more confident. Those three classes equal 9 credit hours and i'll also have office hours for the Admin Law Review. I'm also going to be helping to edit the publication and hopefully be interviewing and trying to do something law related for next summer. Ideally I'd like to quit my current job and start working as a law clerk in the Spring. We'll see where that goes.

Stepping Out

**Disclaimer**
This entry isn't about cheating. If that's what you're looking for, please exit stage left.

Now...
I am socially awkward... or maybe i should say, i can be socially awkward. I don't really do well with small talk and my networking skills are deplorable. I'm good at talking to my friends. I'm good at running my mouth with people i know well. But for the most part i am painfully shy when it comes to unfamiliar situations.

A huge part of getting a job upon graduation will have to do with my ability to network, small talk, initiate convo etc. That scares me. To say i have anxiety issues is probably a gross understatement. Some days I'm not able to leave the house. So imagine trying to force myself to not only leave the house but to throw myself into an uncomfortable and unfamiliar situation. It's not something that i look forward to.

I can't even begin to count the number of times i've seen someone that i recognize and i'll go over to say "hello" or something. As soon as they respond i'm ready for the convo to end. So while they're going thru the whole "OMG! I haven't seen you in so long how are you?!" I'm like "well it was good to see you bye!" That makes for a most awkward convo.

I've been trying to force myself into becoming more comfortable in social situations. By forcing myself to go to happy hours, trying to join clubs/organizations, etc., i'm hoping that i can learn to be comfortable in social settings and to gain confidence in my ability to talk to people and carry on conversations. I am also taking a course next semester that will simulate trials. I hope that it will make me feel more comfortable with my public speaking and help me to stop feeling so awkward.

It's hard forcing yourself past your boundaries and making yourself try something new, but i'm workin on it!

4 down, 4 to go

I took my last exam of the semester last night. I am officially finished with my second year of Law School. I am now officially half way there (i'm a part time student). As gueling as this process is, it isn't as bad as i expected. Well it kinda is... but I'm not suicidal.

I remember when it all started... i didn't know what in the hell to expect. That seems like so damned long ago. I was thinking back to a surprise party that my friends threw for me to celebrate my nerdy accomplishment... the people that were there... I don't talk to more than half of them now. If someone would have told me on that day to look around the table and pick the 4 people i thought i would be cool with three years later, i'm not sure whether i would have guessed correctly. Throughout my life I've been a bit of a friend collector. I liked having lots of "friends" and knowing people. It kinda made me feel important to be able to go somewhere and always see a "friend." Over the last few years though, I've started to move away from that. It's kinda nice to go somewhere and not recognize folks. There's a certain comfort in anonymity... But yeah, here i am three years later. I am a completely different person, and i like it.

So with year #2 behind me I can officially switch gears to my summer plans... getting to catch up with a friend i haven't seen in over a year, going to Jamaica with someone I love dearly, travelling across country on a 6 week adventure... there's just so much for me to look forward to and quite honestly, I deserve every bit of it.

Man oh Man...

I never thought i'd say it but thank God the weekend is over. I've got a ton of work i need to do on myself. Coming so close to losing something so important taught me a lot about the person i am and the person i want to be. Although i know there will be some issues with readjusting, I'm glad that things are back on track. No more secrets... ever.

On a completely unrelated note, today is my last final as a 2L... yay, bitch. I'm ready for this semester to be OVER. All in all i think i did ok this semester. School is starting to come to me a little bit easier. The goal this summer is to learn all about Admin Law and pick a topic for my paper. Hopefully i'll find something interesting.

I've also decided that after this trip to SF this summer I'm gonna put my hopes of moving out that way on hold for awhile. I think for next summer i'm going to focus my job search on the NY and DC areas only and see where that leads. I'll also be taking the bar in NY... ummm yeah.

Either way, life is ok today. I'm smiling and that's all that matters to me right now.

My mommy yelled at me this morning

Whenever something really bad happens and i don't know how to deal with it, I call my mom and ask her to pray for me. Me and my best friend joke that she has a direct line to God because her prayers always seem to work.
I asked her to pray for me and she asked why... and i told her. And she laid me the fuck out. I don't think i've been yelled at like that in YEARS. The conversation ended with her expressing her utter annoyance with me and hanging up on me. To say i feel alienated right now is probably the biggest understatement ever.

. . .

Breaking trust is fast, building it is slow. © Henry Abbott


Who woulda thought a blog about the NBA could contain such a relevant statement? I lost someone's trust today and i have no one to blame but myself. I honestly can't think of a bigger mistake i've ever made in my life. I wish i could come up with the right words to even describe what i feel (isn't that what blogs are for) but i can't.

The closest i think i've ever come to feeling this bad about something is when my mother called me crying and asking me what was going on with me down in Hampton. She demanded to know why she gave me plenty of money for rent and bills and yet, I was about to be evicted. She wanted to know why my phone was cut off when i had called her twice for money to pay it, both times promising her that i had. She asked if i was on drugs and if someone was doing something to me. I told her i was fine. that i had just bought some things at the mall and that i was sorry.

She didn't believe a word i said. Not a single one. But she sent more money anyway. And one day, i showed up back home with all my stuff. I was 34 pounds lighter than when she had last seen me. I was tired and i was defeated. She NEVER asked me again what was going on. Never. But i had lost her trust. She wouldn't give me money for anything. when i was looking for a job and i asked for gas money or metro fare, she'd give me her gas card or a bus token... no cash. If i was going somewhere she'd nod at my whereabouts and try to verify them upon my return.

Losing her trust has been one of the most painful things that I have ever had to experience. It's been almost ten years to the day that i showed up back at home from school. May 8, 1997, to be exact. History has a way of repeating itself i suppose. Today i realized that i again have lost the trust of someone i care about deeply. I have that same feeling of emptiness and nausea in my stomach. I mean what can you really do? Hope? Pray? Wait? I'm all out of options...

Nightmares and Sleep Paralysis

*insert long sigh here*

After a bit of a hiatus, the nightmares have returned. I hate how they always sneak up on me without warning. To make life *that* much more interesting, they've brought along a good friend: sleep paralysis.

When i first started having the nightmares, the scariest part was always the paralysis. It's one thing to be in a dream and come out of it, but instead of the comfort that comes along with realizing you're awake and safe, i open my eyes and see things around me, and yet i'm powerless to move or speak or anything. It's weird because when i'm in the middle of that transition i feel my body freeing up in the dream and it makes me struggle/fight/thrash that much harder to wake myself. Sometimes i can do it by repeatedly shaking my head side to side and telling myself to wake up... other times i flail all my limbs as hard as I can. No matter how often it happens, i always think that i'm dead... ALWAYS. It's probably the craziest thing ever, but i lay there and i think "oh shit, it's over"... then i'm like "naw fuck that" and start moving around in hopes of waking up.

The result of the nightmares and the thrashing are of course utter exhaustion.

Last night there were two dreams. The one i remember involved me and the exhusband going to 7-11. He got out of the car but left the back driver side door open. The whole time i was sitting in the car thinking "why would he leave that open it isn't safe?" Sure enough before he could get back to the car two guys get in and tell me they're going to rape and kill me... this is of course where the paralysis kicks in. I had enough presence of mind to know that i was dreaming and that i wanted to wake up... but the paralysis and consequently having to essentially endure the dream without being able to fight back was upsetting to say the least. The result was me waking myself up by kicking and flailing.

The second dream didn't involve the paralysis but it was unsettling all the same. I was walking thru various parts of DC alone and i noticed that everywhere i went there was a guy walking up behind people and stabbing them in the back. Then he'd just walk off like nothing happened. When i finally turned on one street near where i had gone to elementary and high school i realized that he was behind me and that there was no one else on the street. I immediately picked up the pace and headed to my high school because i know that there's a guard at the gate and i figured it was safe. When i got to the guard, I told him what was going on but, of course he didn't see the guy. Realizing that the guard couldn't help me i ran up the street and came across this weird tunnel that lead to the monastery that was near my highschool. I crawled in the tunnel and waited. The guy never showed up but a priest did. I told him what happened and he did some sort of magic spell that closed off the tunnel so there was no way the guy could get to me. The guy never showed up at the tunnel though.

So... ok... dream 1. Clearly i have some feelings of betrayal by men. I don't know if the ex represents himself or men in general but that dream was all about a man who i expected to protect me not doing his job to keep me safe and consequently i wound up very hurt by that negligence. Dream 2... i dunno i think maybe i need to go to church. I was running from death essentially and i ran to the last two places that represent religion to me. I sought safety inside the gates of a place i consider religious, went to a monestary for help and was ultimately helped/protected by a magical priest... ummm... ok. So i suppose that means that i'm looking for some sort of spiritual fulfillment to help me deal with my fear surrounding death?

All i know is, I have some shit i'm trying to deal with, sleep paralysis can be exacerbated by ADD medication and stress (ie my life) and I'm sleepy.