FCUK!!!!

So in ONE WEEK I leave... like i bounce and I won't be back for a minute. Well that's not true... I leave on Friday, come back on Tuesday and leave again on Wednesday. Anticipation is turning to nervousness. What if something happens while i'm gone? I've got a sick dad and a pregnant best friend on this coast. I'm trying to stay positive but i'm definitely making sure I have enough money for an emergency flight home.

Speaking of my dad, he's so damned adorable. He calls my mom "kitty" and we don't know why... i mean we *know* why (*insert shudder here*) but it's a recent development. I went to visit last weekend and told him about my trip out west. He asked if there was anywhere i hadn't been yet and I told him there were plenty of places... he laffed and asked me if i'd ever be done with school. I told him i had two more years and he smiled. He's proud of me and that feels good. It's funny that no matter how old and "independent" i get, i still look to my parents for their approval of most of what I do. To a certain degree i shouldn't, but when their reaction is positive, i guess it isn't so bad.

Plodding Thru

The closer I get to leaving for San Fran the more stuff I realize that I have to do. Now granted most of this accumulation is the result of my procrastination but there are a lot of other things that I legitimately need to get done. B has been a tremendous help. He's cleaned damn near half the house and that keeps me sane.
I've handed in the last edit i'll have to do before we leave and i've just been focusing on job stuff. I'm in the process of trying to narrow down my list of firms that i'm applying to and trying to figure out something to do with my life. I got exactly zero interviews last year, i'm not trying to do that again. This year I'm doing a lot more research into firms that I might be interested in but i'm also looking at Government Agencies, Non-profit orgs and a bunch of other places that might be suitable. I'm cautiously excited about the possibility of actually getting an interview this year.
Lately I've found myself wondering how different my life would have been if I hadn't had to sit out of school. After my first year, I was denied financial aid. As a recently married person, I assumed, perhaps foolishly, that this man that had promised to love, cherish, etc would step up and offer solutions as to how "we" could afford to send me. I expected him to say something like "just get the federal loans and we'll work out the rest." All I got was, "well i don't think you're really putting in enough effort for me to put my money towards it." "My money" We were never on the same page when it came to money but that was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. That's when i realized that I had no support system when it came to him. I realized that he didn't see the marriage as a partnership and after some soul-searching I realized that we had never seen eye to eye on that. When I took a leave of absence from school I knew that it was only a matter of time before I would be getting divorced.
My mom mentioned to me recently that I don't talk much about my divorce and I kinda just shrugged. I told her i really didn't have much to say about the divorce or the marriage. I think my ex is a cool guy so I'm not gonna bad-mouth him. At the same time, I feel that at times the relationship was mentally abusive to a certain degree and that's not something that I want to relive. I've grown a LOT since 12/18/04, I just don't see the point of going back to that place right now.

The 5am Monday Morning Panic Attack

This morning i woke up out of a sound sleep with my heart beating loudly and gasping for air.
Today is June 18th... I leave for San Fran on July 6th.... *insert scream here*

I.am.not.ready. Point blank... I'm just not. I need to get my ass in gear ASAP because shit isn't gonna work like this.

Wish me luck!

The Beauty of Jamaica

I have been blessed a million times over. I have met so many wonderful people in my life and seen so many beautiful things and places. Jamaica may have the distinction of being the most beautiful place that I have ever seen and I was fortunate enough to spend 5 days there in celebration of my niece's graduation from college...

This is my second trip to Jamaica and though I would say that Negril is more beautiful than Ocho Rios, being on vacation with my sister, my niece, my nephew, and BJ was an amazing experience and its something that i hope to do again. Although I'm still waiting on the photos from Dunn's River Falls, I wanted to blog about the trip before too much of it left my mind.

We stayed at the Sunset Jamaica Grande Resort in Ocho Rios. The view from the hotel was amazing. The food was great. There was plenty of time for sappiness and laughs. My niece did activity... and it made her hungry. My nephew drank Likkle Biggas while my sister got lost in the jungle. BJ did a bit of cooning... and we ate some more.

In our free time we took a trip up to 9 Mile, the birth and final resting place of Bob Marley. Seeing the World thru the eyes of a young Bob Marley makes his music that much more meaningful. Unfortunately i didn't get the same sense of peace inside of the mausoleum where he is laid to rest.

It was an amazing trip... despite the 5 extra hours spent in Miami and I hope to go back soon.
The rest of the photos can be found here. Hopefully i'll be adding pics from Dunn's River Falls soon. Here are a few more pics til then

An open letter to my sidekick

Fuck you, ok?
Who told you to crack?
Who told you to position yourself under my foot?
You wanted to die... and now... you're gone.

jerk.

Slow Motion to Fast Forward

So now, time is moving entirely too fast. I feel like i'm completely out of time. In 48 hours i'll be at the airport on my way to Jamaica... In 34 days I'll be on my way to San Fran... It's all happening so fast. It's exciting and scary at the same time.

I also handed my paycheck over to this place yesterday. I'm an idiot... but I smell delicious and my skin is glowing. I'm also still waiting on this last damn grade. It's driving me absolutely crazy. I really just want to know what i got so that i can enjoy my summer (and figure out where i'll be applying for a job).

I have a ton of things on my mind but nothing is really coming together so i'm gonna stop now. I'll be back though.

Joy and Pain

It's like sunshine... and rain...

That sums up the weekend.

There was good food, great people, lots of laffing and even a little crying (yes, i'm the only one that cried). I think we experienced every weather condition possible... oppressive heat, cold rain... you name it, we had it. Of course there was also my persistent neck pain and a brief stint of an altered state of consciousness, but overall it was an amazing weekend.

As someone who is rarely around the majority of the folks that i call my friends, this weekend was a much needed opportunity for me to spend time with folks that i genuinely love and care about. I will admit that the whole thing made me even more emotional than usual but i honestly did my best to control my gayness.

There was also strippers, likka, and some other stuff but i'll have to save that for another blog. I have to start getting ready for Jamaica!