I'm sleepy

I wish i was in bed *RIGHT* now. Curled up and snoring loudly. I haven't really rested in awhile and i'm starting to seriously consider renting a hotel room somewhere so that i may do so.

At about 7am the construction starts. My daily ritual is supposed to consist of my alarm going off at 650a followed by two taps of the snooze bar. By that second tap the jackhammers are already in full swing. :(

In other news, I need a place to live. I spoke to my mom and she agreed that no one in my family really has room for me. She said if i got evicted I could stay there "a few days" but realistically I couldn't stay anywhere long term (fyi, I am NOT about to get evicted. she just meant that in a dire situation i wouldn't be on the street)

Hmmm my brain isn't really working so i'll stop typing now. I need to see if i can take a nap in the "employee wellness room"

I make lists

So last night I started making lists. I just meant to start with a "to do" list for today... it quickly turned into about three other lists... goals, groceries, furniture to buy, books to read... you name it, I listed it. And when I was done, i felt relieved. It was like a weight had been lifted. Getting things out of my head and onto paper lets me do a few things. It helps me to free up space in my brain. As long as i have that list i can forget all the things i was supposed to remember because I have my cheat sheet. Writing also helps me to visualize the things i need to do.

By the time i went to sleep I had let go of a ton of anxiety and was able to actually rest. I got up this morning and made lunch and breakfast and got to work (almost) on time.

Yaty for lists!

"Bustin makes you feel good"

© Ray Parker, Jr.

The problem with fortunes, superstitions, etc

so i got that fortune the other day, and i admit to believing fortunes, horoscopes, superstitions, etc when they can be twisted to say what i want them to say. So of course that fortune meant to take a chance and just move to san francisco... this afternoon i got a phone call offering me an spring internship with the government.

that's huge for me. i need that. i mean i had pretty much written off law unless i could work for the government... now here i am with an opportunity to work for the federal govt this spring. i don't know how i could pass up this opportunity... did i mention this is an unpaid internship? There's always a twist isn't there?

The "good" news is that the requirement is only 15 hrs a week. I need to talk to the externship dept at school to see how that will work in terms of getting credit. I also need to see if I will be able to keep my job or perhaps shift to part time. My only concern with asking my job to allow me to go part time or to work something out is that i *know* that once i graduate, i'm leaving. Do i ask for this "favor" knowing that in May I'll (hopefully) be quiting to work in San Fran for the summer? On the one hand i know that i need to do what's best for me, on the other i don't want to create problems for my employer.

i have 20 months to make this all fall into place and i'm pretty scared. hopefully this will all work out and the hard work will pay off.

Todays Fortune Cookie Reads:

"Take that chance you've been considering"

Stupid Stuff Makes Me Chuckle

Yesterday I got a credit card offer in the mail. It was "a way to celebrate my heritage."

My Irish American heritage

Ummm...

yeah.

How I spent my weekend

Well at least the first half of Friday night.

We headed to the Puma store in Georgetown for a release party for the new Yo! MTV Raps Pumas. Performances included one by SPECIAL ED. Now wayyyyyy back when I was a Special Ed fan... and by fan i mean i thought he was cute and i liked his songs. So this was a welcome journey back to my childhood. I'm happy to say that although I don't still find him to be drop dead gorgeous he has aged well and he put on a pretty decent show.

Anyway here are a few photos:

More photos can be found here:

Puma Party - Georgetown

Confessions of a gadget whore

I like electronics. If i had more money i'd be one of those ppl that buys things when they first come out... just so i can say i have it. I wanted an iphone. I'm glad i didn't buy it though cuz the ipod touch woulda pissed me off.

My newest acquisition is my new mackbook. I love her.

She lets me do stuff like this:


and this:

but I mostly love her because she lets me capture moments like this:




Perhaps I've just been extra sentimental lately but I'm realizing how lucky I am to have such an amazing support system. I love these two more than just about anything and if it weren't for their collective efforts I dunno where i would be. From listening to me rant to just putting up with my foolishness... these two keep me on track.

That wasn't the direction that this blog was supposed to take but i think that's ok.

I'll get in trouble for posting these photos soon enough but in the meantime... enjoy

I need to get better

Cuz i'm certainly not doing too well these days. I was talking to a friend the other day about fear and insecurity. And about how angry I am sometimes but mostly how i hate trying to be the person that other people expect me to be.

I read a page in an Ilyana Vanzant book once (yes, i could only make it thru one page) and she was talking about how when you change you'll meet a lot of opposition from selfish people. I believe that. Hell, I've seen that. But the fact is that no matter how supportive people are of me and all of my many changes, there's just certain behavior that I'm not free to exhibit.

People see me as "strong" and "smart". That's flattering, but not always true. Sometimes I'm very weak and when I exhibit that flaw/insecurity people end up hurt, confused, mad, etc. I'm also dumb as fuck sometimes. I do dumb shit. Instead of being able to tell myself, it's ok, it happens. I feel ashamed, embarrassed etc and again i feel like a general disappointment.

I don't think there is any feeling worse than feeling like a failure. No matter what aspect of my life the feeling involves, nothing brings me down faster than that. And I'm feeling like a failure more and more frequently.

I'm tired of being angry. That shit is taxing on me and those around me. I need to learn a little patience and to better communicate when I'm upset/tired/frustrated. Lashing out is getting old fast and i need a better remedy.

The return of the counter...

Two things...

1. If you look over there (*points to the right*) the counter is back. We've decided that come hell or high water, we are leaving this place (DC) on 5/20/09.
Yes, that's a long way away... but that counter will keep me sane for the next 21 months or so.

2. I forgot what two was.

I'm feeling a little better today. It's amazing what sleep can do. I will be running to 3 different parties tonight but Saturday and Sunday are going to be house days with the exception of a trip to Laurel to see the new babies.

Oh.... I remember what two was. The other blog (http://bayandback.blogspot.com)is being turned into a travel blog. Hopefully it'll be full of pics and all that travelly goodness

And I'm out!

*sigh*

it's almost that time again... MLB Post Season

I think I had almost forgotten how stressful this time of year is.

More San Francisco Pics

San Fran... the end

I think I'm going to blow up my life

**disclaimer**
That should not be taken as a terrorist threat

I'm in a transitional phase in my life and I know it. I'm searching for something new and different. I want to stop spinning my wheels on things that don't mean anything to me and start focusing on making myself happy.

I am inches away from quitting law school. It doesn't make me happy. I know what you're thinking: School, especially law school, is not about being happy. I can admit that, but it shouldn't make me hate every single second of my existence. I should mention that i'm really on the fence with this and i'm not quittting until i have something specific lined up. The truth of the matter is, my prospects for law jobs are slim. I can accept that the large firm thing isn't for me. What I'm struggling with, however, is figuring out what *is* for me.

I had another breakdown last night. Not as bad as the last two but it wasn't good. Thankfully Brian was there to talk me down. I was trying my best to explain what i was feeling and i think i did a good job. I know that there are ppl out there in far worse positions than I am, but my issue is that I can't compare myself to them. I have to be good because I want to be good. i can't become complacent with the idea that someone is worse off. I don't want to be that person who doesn't pay the light bill in order to pay the cable and does the reverse the next month. I'm better than that. There's nothing wrong with struggling when you're trying to find your way, but once you find that, it's time to get on track.

That being said, I'm looking for ways to blow up my life. I know what kind of salary i need to make in order to start paying back my student loans and so i'm looking for that dream job. There's no pressure to it really. I can stick with XM while i hunt. At the same time i'm going to keep pushing forward with law school and law related jobs. Whatever is meant to be will reveal itself. I just know that i have to keep pushing forward until it does.

I was afraid this would happen

To say i have anxiety issues is truly an understatement. There have been days when leaving the house is just too much for me. I've been prescribed meds for it but i'm even more afraid of becoming one of those ppl that has to take meds to get out of bed everyday for the rest of my life, so usually i just try to push past the issues or just work from home on the days that i can't do it.

The trip this summer was different. I wasn't that person there. I wasn't that scared girl who couldn't/wouldn't leave the house. I think we went out like everyday. And on the days that we didn't go out, it wasn't because of my issues, it was just nothing that we wanted to do. I miss that girl.

From the moment we left San Fran it seems like things started going bad. Perhaps these are just normal things that seem catastrophic to me because i'm looking for reasons to write off DC forever. Whatever the case, I've gone from happy to miserable and it's really affecting me.

A lot of folks are suggesting that I focus on getting out of here. I'm not sure if that's the best approach... well not entirely. See i don't think i need to focus on just getting back to California, I think I need to focus on tying up the loose ends here in DC. The last thing that i want to do is to feel like i hastily ran off from DC and that I just left because i was afraid. When I leave this place, i want it to be because i was ready and not because i was too scared to stay here.

In that vein, we're starting to come up with a financial plan of what it will take to leave. I want to be sure that financially the pieces are in place. I was inspired by a friend this weekend to start to focus more on financial stuff. Vacations and eating out are fun but i'd like to be able to do that in the future too. Remember that fairytale about the squirrels... or was it chimpmunks? and they'd play all day, not heeding the warnings about the winter? That's how i feel. I'm just playing like there's no tomorrow when in reality winter gets closer and closer everyday. I need to prepare.