The Wrap Up

So...

My bday didn't turn out as bad as I thought. I stuffed my face, saved more than I spent at the mall, stuffed my face some more, and laffed alot. I think I am officially ready to leae 2007 behind. I already know i'm going to break my new years "resolutions" so I'll just think of them as "guidelines". Either way I got some shit i'm tryna change.

Need to shrink my already small circle of friends/acquaintances and just keep a generally low profile. I put up with toooooo much bullshit in '07; I need to change that for '08.

And that concludes my last entry on 2007. I'll be posting something nostalgic whilst nursing a hangover tomorrow I'm sure.

Be safe!

Happy Birthday to Me!!

So... here it is. 32. Wow. To be honest, I don't think that I ever gave much thought to what 32 would be like. When I was younger, my thirties was just so far off and so OLD. But now i realize that i'm just getting started.

Yesterday I went to what is by FAR my favorite family tradition: Birthday parties at Shirley's. I love that we always get together for bdays. There were lots of laffs... some at my expense... but i still had a ball. Afterwards me and B headed to Fogo de Chão. *blink* So ok, I like meat... but *this* place did things to meat I couldn't believe. So flavorful, perfectly cooked, just delicious. Lamb? Ribs? Chicken? I was in heaven. I was full but didn't want to stop eating. Add to that the fact that they made a good ass mojito? I could live there. Sucks that I'm giving up meat for 2008. :-\

Afterwards we headed to a coworker's house to watch the Patriots/Giants game. Pats won and got their perfect season... now hopefully the Skins can pull out a win today and head to the playoffs.

I think we're going to brunch in a few. In addition to it being my bday, 2 yrs ago today a drunk Monica saw B in the club and professed her crush on him. He didn't run away so here we are today. That's the closest thing to an anniversary we have. But yeah.. food... shopping and football. That's today's agenda.

Breakdowns and such

Yesterday was an incredibly up and down day and to be honest I'm still a little confused about what all exactly happened.

I've been feeling fairly blah lately because for the most part my bday weekend has and will be a bust. I take a decent amount of responsibility for that but it just seems like all my plans keep falling thru. It's no secret that I'm ultra sensitive and when you throw in the most important day to me of the year, it can turn ugly quickly.

The day started off decently. I went to work knowing i'd be able to bounce early. I wanted to hit up a happy hour but didn't really have anyone to go with. As I'm heading home, B calls and says he'll hit a happy hour with me... Yay. We head to the spot... good drinks good food then within about 40 minutes B says he's tired and wants to rest before going to work. So we head home and i'm like cool. I'll just take a nap cuz too cuz i'm supposed to get up with a friend that night. I wake up, get dressed and head out to pick up my friend. I get about 7 minutes out and i'm told "nah don't come now, run you other errand first." I'm kinda blown but just figured he wasn't done at work yet. Cool. Head in the complete opposite direction to pick up a package at UPS where i'm the 24th person in line. (sigh)

Sometime during my wait in line I get a message that's essentially like "I guess we're not hanging out tonight"... now... this message is from the same person who tells me i should go ahead and handle my other errand first. So i'm like "you tell me"... no response. Basically I got the extreme brush off move. I know because i've done it. It goes: stall, blame the other person, become unavailable. It seriously took about 2 hours for me to get a definite "no". So essentially I wasted my birthday friday waiting to get stood up. not cute. To add insult to injury, when I finally did get brushed off, the person made it clear that they weren't really interested in my friendship by hurling a totally unnecessary remark my way *blink* word? Cool. So now not only did i get stood up, I lost a friend. Awesome.

I headed home and just decided to do homework. In the midst of texting B to tell him that i had gotten the package from UPS I became (probably unjustifiably) upset at the fact that he seemed completely uninterested in the fact that my day was sucking and that convo disintegrated into an email fight. (sigh)

The saving grace for my friday was an e-convo with a friend of mine who's going thru some stuff right there. I was able to be there for him and lend a shoulder which felt nice. I didn't really get much sleep last night though... and around 6am things just really came to a head. I was angry, hurt about the loss of a friend, and just generally blah... so i cried... hard... and now at noon, my face looks like i cried hard (frown).

I'm hoping today will be better.

I *really* need to stop getting excited for my bday

In all my 32 yrs I don't think I've ever done what I wanted to do on my bday. Having a birthday scrunched in between Christmas and New Years leaves me feeling like more of a hassle than a celebrant on most occassions. For several years in a row I've wanted to go to Jamaica, San Francisco, anyplace,USA, for my birthday but there's always a reason that can't happen. Folks are usually too broke from Christmas or saving up for the "real" fun on NYE to want to spend time with me.

And so, this is how it looks like I'll be spending yet another birthday. Trying to cram my celebration in amongst what people "really" want to do and ultimately, getting lost in the shuffle.

Despite how "woe is me" this sounds that's really not the intent. This is just my reminder to myself to not look forward to 33 or any future bdays.

Time to Move

So it's that time again. In about 3 weeks, i'll be moving to my new apartment. The spoiled part of me is not happy about the move at all. But the logical side realizes that it's a necessary step and that i need to see the bigger picture. I just hate having to move all of my stuff (junk). It's a HUGE hassle. One that I said I would never undertake again... but alas... I must go.

Holiday Spirit

Twas the day before Christmas and all thru the apartment...

There's no Christmas tree here. There are no presents to wrap. No cards were mailed. No cookies were baked. If you look around apt 8?? there's nothing to suggest that there is any holiday right around the corner... much less 24 hrs away. But alas, another Christmas is upon us. Which means, of course, that another birthday is also around the corner. Every year I think I feel less and less in the Christmas spirit.

This year i had hoped that I would be spending tons of money of gifts for Kayla but i just can't ramp myself up to the commercialism that is Christmas. I'd love to give gifts but to see people stressed out and upset because they can't think of what to get is just... tired. I'll be spending time with family this Christmas.

I guess I need to figure out why I'm not big on family either. Perhaps I take it for granted? Not sure but it's something I'd like to get thru sooner rather than later. Either way I'll be glad when this season is over. I'll get another bday under my belt and it'll all be done with.

Hard Work, a Nickname, and Me

Hard Work
So shortly after Monie and 9th Wonder did their interview at XM awhile ago, she and I started texting/talking about trying to get her show on XM. At that point she was fresh out of the gig in Philly and itching to get back to radio somehow. True to form XM dragged their feet. Until she said the magic word (free) and the higher ups finally listened (since we had been saying free all along). At any rate, I set up the meeting and the ball finally started rolling. Fast forward a couple weeks and Monie and her crew come to DC to record the demo show. The show was GREAT and has been given the thumbs up. She has also asked me to book for the show for her if it came to fruition. I am in heaven. The prospect of leaving XM this summer has me a bit nervous because I felt like I would lose my contacts and access to contacts. With this development, however, it seems like I may be able to keep my foot in the door and maybe get back in upon my return. Merger be damned!!

A Nickname
When Filthy gave me this nickname back in '05. I immediately liked it. Now I remember the significance of the name, but i don't know why he was nicknaming me. At any rate, I like it and it stuck... or rather I made it stick. Either way, I like it. I jokingly told BJ that I was gonna push the nickname for about a year because i wanted everyone to know it. I know that probably sounds dumb as hell to most people and i can understand why but at the same time it makes perfect sense. The name does a couple of things. For those who pay close enough attention it provides an immediate look into my character and who i am. For those who are bad at remembering names, its something silly and catchy. It's unique. I apologize if this is sounding arrogant. Unlike the chick in San Fran that I told to google me, I'm not really feeling myself like that... today. I'm just saying that by developing the persona associated with the nickname has allowed me to have something to hide behind and to put out there, without feeling like i'm letting too many people in.

Me
I've changed. I'm not on meds anymore (although I would like to get my hands on some). I'm managing to be more outgoing. I feel more well-adjusted. A lot less like an outcast. I'm taking chances I wouldn't normally take and although I'm a little nervous, I'm not afraid. I've spent the last year and a half working to create a career of sorts for myself. Bringing artists to XM, making my own contacts, putting myself in a position where i can hopefully get back to the music business that i had managed to fall out of love with. I'm also making huge strides in the law school arena, so that if the music-related stuff doesn't pan out, i have something else to do. In 2008 i want to focus on finding a little more direction. It's nice to want to do something music related, but now i want to come up with something definite. All I know is, I'm happy. Happier than I've been in awhile. I'm gonna keep this train moving til it reaches whatever destination it was meant to reach.

Merry Christmas from Me and Little Brother

This interview is pretty damned hilarious. Unfortunately it also reminds me how painfully shy i am and how much i hate the sound of my voice

either way, enjoy
http://proghiphop.com/downloads.html

2007 is almost over

my 32nd bday is *right* around the corner.

2007 has been an amazing year. I've excelled at work, school, life, love, just in general. I'm happy and i honestly enjoy my life. I've worked hard and watched some very important projects come to fruition. I knew i wanted to be make Law Review... did that. I've been trying to get this show on XM for what seems like a million years... it's been greenlighted. I wanted to spend time in San Fran... did it and managed to drive cross country too... Landed two law-related jobs for next year, paid off a significant chunk of debt... it's just a good feeling.

2008 looks like it could be more of the same. 3 semesters left of law school, another summer in san francisco... i dunno... just a lot going on. Now don't get me wrong, I've had some MAJOR stumbling blocks but i ain't dwellin on that shit. It's just too taxing.

I'm realizing that no matter how much i try to deny it, my parents' health is fading. I've been spending a lot of time trying to pull together family records and information because once they're gone so does just about all of my ties to the rest of the family. It bothers me a lot that I'm just realizing how important it is for me to learn more about my family. I used to just think that as long as i had my parents, siblings and their families, it was enough but now i want to know everything. Hopefully I'll be able to pull a bunch of stuff together for them

On: Being Black

Ok, so this isn't gonna be a "deep" blog.
When i was little, I went to school in Georgetown. Our school was pretty diverse but mostly white. So, in a lot of ways I grew up "white". From the way I talked to the music i listened to... to the peroxide i put in my hair... to the mousse that i tried to use for my bangs... white white white.

Now i will say that i thoroughly enjoyed growing up. I was exposed to all types of things so I don't regret it. My issue, however, is with my rhythm... or lack of rhythm.

To be fair, i believe it may be a hereditary condition. My dad doesn't have rhythm and neither does my niece. It's who we are. But it became rather apparent to me last night at the Stones Throw show. There are certain rappers, in my opinion, that make a career out of rhyming slightly off beat... at least i think they are... maybe i just don't hear the best right. At any rate, Madlib is one of those ppl... at least i think he is... it may just be me. Anyway, at various points of the night i would just be offbeat. It made me sad... frustrated and even confused. I dunno why i can't find the beat, but i often find that not being able to do so leads to being told that I'm not "black"

Now I know that a lot of stuff like that is said in jest and I'm cool with it. But there is definitely the notion that true black folks have rhythm... and well I don't. It can be shameful. Back when i used to go to the club like 4 times a week i would be very careful when i danced for fear that i'd get off beat at some point.

Despite my lack of rhythm, i enjoyed last night's show. Madlib, Percee P, Guilty Simpson, MED, and Peanut Butter Wolf all ripped it. I'm really working to get back into music these days. I've been away from it for awhile and I hate that finding music has become such a labor intensive process now, but I want to get back to it so I'll be making an effort.

Life has thrown another curve

So I interviewed with the DA's office of my favorite city... and it didn't go so well. I pretty much wrote it off. Yesterday I received the standard "thanks but no thanks" email from them... with a twist. The email said that while they didn't have space for me in the summer program, they would like to offer me a position in the fall or the spring. At first I laffed, loudly. Because how in the hell could i work in that city and live and go to school in DC. But, as I got to thinking about it, it is actually very possible. So do I do it? I mean this is what i've wanted right? As much time as possible in SF? But the fear and the insecurities are creeping in. Who do you think you are? You can't do that. You're not the type to just pick up and leave. What about the family? What about the godkids? I need to do some serious soul searching sooner rather than later.

My love of hip hop

So, I love music. Specifically I love hip hop. It's been a rough relationship because sometimes hip hop sucks. But there's a lot of good stuff out there and despite the fact that i've been hating a lot of music lately, every now and then i'll give something a chance and be pleasantly surprised.

This weekend was kinda like that. Little Brother came to XM to do a takeover show which was positively hilarious... and terribly embarrassing at the same time (you'll see). I had planned to go to the show in DC but of course i procrastinated and it sold out. The show in Baltimore was Sunday night and I kinda went back and forth before finally deciding to go. Good choice. I've always been a kinda on the fence with Little Brother. I never doubted the talent of Phonte and Pooh but I kinda wavered on their beats because I felt that the 9th Wonder sound was a bit repetitive... but that's irrelevant here.

This blog is about Evidence (of Dialated Peoples). I guess you could say that I'm a casual Dialated fan. Got a couple of cds but never really went out of my way to catch a show. I knew Evidence had a solo album. I even heard a few tracks from it that I thought were dope... but there is something about a live performance that can bring an album and an artist to life. I think that it's safe to say that I am a bonafide Evidence fan at this point. Check out "The Weatherman LP" if you get a chance and definitely don't sleep on the chance to see him in concert. His energy is amazing and his ability to connect with the crowd is unmatched. It seemed as if he was enjoying the performance as much as we were. I will definitely check out his show the next chance I get.

And so it begins

I have a new batch of stuff to start planning. Mainly how to quit my job and survive. That's pretty scary to me since I'm pretty bad at saving money. I have very little saved and that's going to be the key to making it. I think that the key is going to be putting the money where i can't get to it. I also need to move and reduce my expenses. The problem is that I don't konw if I'm going to be able to move. I'm fixing my credit by paying a bunch of stuff off and closing accounts, unfortunately that's making my credit tank temporarily. I tell myself that it'll pay off when i'm done but... still makes it hard to do other things.

At any rate, I'm all set to start this new hase in life. I'm nervous... very very nervous about the idea of being out west for 9 weeks pretty much on my own, but i know i can handle it. 2008 is gonna be one for the books.

I definitely did NOT lose... I won

So I got an email at like 2am informing me that I was selected for an externship this summer in......

(wait for it)




SAN FRANCISCO!!!

Sooooooo.... i'll be spending another summer in beautiful san francisco. I couldn't be happier. I'm drivin across country again. I'm working and living in san fran for 9 weeks... just wow!!!!


Now I just need to find some money. Holler at my paypal if you wanna help a sister out.

What a difference less than 24hrs can make

Life's too short to mope. Shit don't always go the way you want it to... so what. There's a rack of bad shit going on... and yet i'm still alive:

I got rejected for a job this morning. That sucked.
I had to clean up cat vomit today
I spilled red wine on the carpet
I thought I had lost a tupperware container with some food still in it... it was in my trunk
Dropped 4 hair things into the toilet
Put on a shirt and IMMEDIATELY spilled something on it
Got finals comin up and i'm not ready...

i could go on, but what's the point? Bad shit happens. It's a part of life. I could be all stressed out and crazy, or i can keep it moving. *THAT* needs to be my new mantra.

On: Losing

I honestly don't even know why I'm writing this. I couldn't even begin to really say what's on my mind, but rather than climb the walls I needed to get something out.

I don't like to lose and tonight i lost. i'm not saying things are a "game" but i definitely lost... and it hurts, a lot. i'm tired of losing. i want to win, just once.

just. once.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today is one of my favorite days of the year. For the second year in a row, i'm making Thanksgiving dinner and i couldn't be happier. The menu consists of turkey, garlic mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, apple and celery stuffing (or is it dressing?), corn pudding, greens, rolls, cranberry sauce, and prolly some other stuff i'm forgetting.

One thing i will NOT be having is green bean casserole... that's just not something i've ever had (or wanted to have). I'm convinced it's a white thing... although I've heard that some black ppl make it too :(

I bought my mom some flowers this week. She's ridiculously happy. She calls me everyday to tell me how pretty they look. I'm glad that something so simple could make her so happy. I'm thankful for having such an amazing family. I wish i could do more to keep them happy.

I'm kind of rambling cuz i'm worried about the food in the kitchen so i think i'm bout to bounce.

Happy Thanksgiving. Enjoy your family and friends today!

1-0

That's my official record. I can now say I have never lost a case!

I had my criminal trial advocacy final on Saturday. We tried a murder case in front of a jury of high school kids and the defendant was found not guilty *dances a little*

The experience that I got from that class was amazing. But I realized that I still REALLY hate group projects. My group kinda fell apart in the 11th hour. If it wasn't for one other girl in my group I might not have even gone to the final. But that's in the past. I'd never work with half of my group again, but the class was cool.

After my final I spent the rest of the weekend cleaning, spending money and celebrating my victory. I just hope it translates into a good grade.

Dear People Who Don't Speak or Understand English Very Well

*sigh*
So...

I procrastinate and as a result i often mess myself up. I accept that. So my criminal trial advocacy final is tomorrow and I waited until today to try to find someone to alter the pants to my suit... yes, i know i'm an idiot.
At any rate, i get to the cleaners 2 minutes before they open... wait patiently until 730 and enter. My FIRST question "I have a pair of pants that i need altered, can i get this done by this evening?" The woman behind the counter smiled and said "yes". EXCELLENT!
Me: Do you have somewhere that i can go to put these on so that you can mark them.
Her: Yes *smiles*
But she doesn't move...
Me: Ok, where?
Her: Huh?
Me: Where can I put these on?
Her: Yes.
ok we have a problem. So I demonstrate puting the pants on and point to the leg and the pins on the table. She gets it! So she shows me to the back. She pins the pants and i'm ready to bounce.
She says "$13" ok.
Me: I'll pay now because i may have someone else pick them up.
Her: Yes *smiles*
I hand her my card, she swipes it, hands me my receipt.
Her: Monday at 2pm
Me: Excuse me?
Her: Ready Monday 2pm
Me: The first question I asked you when i walked in here was could they be done today
Her: oh. No same day.
Me: ...
Her: Monday?
Me: No. Put the money back on my card please
Her: No.
Me:... No?
Her: Computer has money. Monday?
Me:...................*sigh* I need these pants by 8am tomorrow.
Her: Oh... no same day
Me: I know, please just give me a refund. Cancel the transaction. Give me my money back
Well now she's perplexed because aparently she's never had to operated the credit card machine in that way.
20 minutes later I walked out with the pants and $13 in cash. I then sat in traffic for an hour... it's going to be one of those days.

I thought things were going good

So the end of the semester is upon me. Cramming for finals, thinking about my bday (am I really about to be 32?), making plans for the holiday... this is usually when i get hit the hardest. Everything comes crashing down leaving me anxious and depressed. I thought I was doing good this year. I felt a bit untouchable. I figured out how to keep my job and do my externship. I figured out that even if my loan situation at school doesn't work out, i'll still be able to pay. Things are truly looking up.
But the anxiety is creeping in. The urge to be a recluse is slowly but surely finding it's way back to my brain. It doesn't help that i broke up with my therapist... and by broke up i mean i just stopped going to my appointments. She'll be alright, she knows i don't like confrontation :-\

I'm also becoming increasingly annoyed with just about everyone and everything. I'm tired of ppl in general. Tired of being interviewed for positions i don't get. Tired of feeling like i'm in a rut. I know there's a light somewehre at the end of this tunnel but it's taking long as hell to get there.

ouch

My back is broken

Ok not "broken" but there's a muscle issue. I went to the doctor this morning and after ruling out kidney problems he prescribed me some anti-inflammatory drugs and told me to take it easy. He also repeatedly looked me over and asked me about heart problems, diabetes related issues and told me i need to come in for a physical.

I need to lose weight. The pain i feel and the general unhappiness I've been experiencing would improve exponentially if I did that... so I will... as soon as my back stops hurting...

So some"one" is following me

I don't usually talk about this stuff... and i hate that it's so close to Halloween but it's been bothering me for awhile now and i said i wanted to do more to keep track of these kinds of things.

So ever since i was little i've felt fairly aware of presences. Not necessarily "ghosts" or "spirits" but just a heightened sense of awareness for energy around me. I attribute that to most of why i "hate" people. Too much energy annoys me and the more people i'm around, the harder it is to sort out. If I don't like the energy or vibe that someone gives off, I'm out because I'm too sensitive to it and it'll fuck me up in the long run.

At anyrate someone (or someone's energy) is following me and i don't know who it is. There's a constant presence there and I'm not really sure how i feel about it. It's not uncomfortable but it's not pleasant either. It's just there. I've thought about it alot and i'm not even sure where i picked up this energy. it was there before denver, but not in chicago... but not immediately after chicago.

That narrows it down to like a two and a half day period but i don't think i went anywhere that i wouldn't normally be. I know I probably sound like a damn weirdo and I wish i could make other people feel it. but i guess it's just me. maybe it's me trying to catch up with myself?

I'm not really stressing it for now. It's just one more thing on my mind though. Kinda frustrating but until i figure out who it is and/or what they want, I might just have to deal with it.

I sliced my finger open

not in a bloody way... but in that the top layer of skin is sliced and it hurts a little kind of way. I think it'd feel better if i put a band-aid on it, but it's not bleeding so i can't/won't do that.

The past two weekends have been a blur. We went to Chicago last week for a party and to see some friends. It made me happy. I laff a lot more when i'm not in DC.

This weekend we headed to Denver. I was there on business but i dragged BJ along so we could catch Game 3 of the World Series. Friday night was the third annual team dinner at the Buckhorn Exchange. I had the yak and the ostrich... YUMMY. Both were quite delicious but the yak killed it. I also had some rattlesnake which was kinda eh. All in all the meal was great.

The people in Denver were amazingly nice. Friday we headed to a party after the dinner hosted by DJ Low Key. He's a cool cat and probably as big a Pete Rock fan as me. He was djing at a rooftop party which was pretty cool. We slept thru most of Saturday but wound up at the Original Pancake House about 20 minutes before it closed. From there we went off in search of mountains... and couldn't find them. I mean i googled, mapquested and everything else i could think of but we just couldn't find those sons of bitches. So we went back to the room to nap some more (thin, dry air makes you thirsty and sleepy)and then headed to the game.
It ws cold. Plain and simple.
But the Red Sox won so i was happy.

We woke up at about 3am this morning to catch our 6am flight back to DC... too bad the plane didnt really leave until 9am :( Oops

I'm home safe and sound now, full of spaghetti and ready to go to sleep.

I Wish I Could Have Said Something

Today I was doing some research for the Admin Law Review and came across a database of newspapers. On a whim I looked up some newspaper articles about a friend who had shot this guy. It was the trial i was supposed to testify at. The trial at which I was threatened. His lawyer wanted to call me as a character witness. I didn't even know what that meant back then. All I knew was that they said they would kill me/us if we testified. His lawyer wanted these two prep school graduates, these two college freshman to testify. She wanted these outstanding citizens to testify to how they were friends with the shooter. We were 18 and scared for our lives.

She never asked us our version of what happened. Never realized that we held the key to the self defense claim that she was using for her client. She never even believed her own client's version of the events of 12/29/92. The detectives never asked either. It really wasn't their place though. But I didn't know he was getting railroaded. After the event, I wasn't allowed to read the newspaper. I wasn't really allowed to watch the news. If I did I would've known. I would've heard that the prosecutor was saying that i was with him, when the victim innocently said hi to me and that my friend.. a monster.... lashed out and viciously killed him. If I had known I would have told someone. I would've told them that as i sat at the table the victim came up to me and made lude comments. I would have said that as my friend walked past he said something to me. I would have mentioned how the victim chased after my friend and how everyone at the table agreed that the victim had been looking for a fight all night...

But i didn't know and I didn't speak up. And they didn't do their job. And they didn't ask. And now, some 15 yrs later, i feel guilty. But that's the story of my life it seems. Looking back after the fact and wishing i had done something. I don't know if those guys would have really killed us. It wasn't a gamble i wanted to take. I don't know why no one ever asked us what happened. It seems like a simple part of an investigation to talk to witnesses. I don't know why life seemed to speed up so much after that. I don't know so many things... Some things I want the answers to and some I'm trying to let go of. I just want to stop living with so many regrets. I think this may have been my wake up call.

We'll see

Pete is mad and I couldn't be happier

That's the new (to me) Pete Rock. He's angry and rightfully so. I'm not really sure why Pete doesn't get the respect he deserves, but he gets a little of the frustration off his chest now. I can't wait to hear the new album. For now enjoy. And yes, he's writing his own lyrics and doing a good job at it.

Enjoy, bitches.

Interviews, Piercings, and Pregnancy

I'll go ahead and get the last one out of the way first. No, it ain't me. It's my niece. I'm toggling between joy, fear and jealousy. I sometimes wonder if all of "i hate babies" talk has in some way jinxed/doomed me to a childless existence. Then I think about alllll the other stuff I've talked shit about and realize that that probably isn't the case. But yes, she's having a baby and I wish her all the best.

I had my interview with the organization in Berkeley on Thursday. I have NO clue how it went. I mean I don't think I said anything too off the wall or even remotely off the wall. The lady and I seemed to get along well enough and often, after I'd say something she'd say how that would be an asset to the org. I thought maybe that was an unconscious clue to me that I should do more to relate the answers to the org but then the direction changed so I didn't get the chance.

I went to NY for the day today and walked my poor little feet off. I'm pretty achy right now but lord knows i needed the exercise. While I was there I got my other tragus pierced. The guy that did it was really cool and offered to show me several of his piercings.... Not in a perverted way... more in a "damnit i have my butt pierced and i need someone to see this shit" (no pun intended). I politely declined. I also politely declined when he asked me if i wanted to see some pics of him doing suspension work... ummm ewwwwww

I think that's about all for me. I've decided to go ahead and accept the gig at the DOJ (no it wasn't ever really a decision). I'm not looking forward to the background check but, hopefully, it'll make things easier if I wind up back in the govt. Now, I'm gonna go soak my feet.

So I've Been MIA

But i'm back now... kinda.

I admit I feel a bit obligated to make this entry but I want to, too.... kinda

At any rate, I've started going back to my therapist :-\

Did I mention I hate her? No, I don't hate her but I need to look elsewhere. This week we spent more time than I had planned discussing how i'm getting old and how if i want to pop out some kids i should do it sooner rather than later. Although I already knew that the picture she painted was sooooo bleak. I'm bout to go get knocked up like tomorrow. So, yeah, I'm trying to reorganize my life (again) to see if a baby could be worked into this mix.

*insert LONG sigh here*

In other news I've got two possible AMAZING job opportunities. Like it's scary to think what the next year of my life might be like. It could be pretty amazing though. There's the government internship and then a summer associate position for this organization in Berkeley. So many possibilities. And I honestly plan to make the best of both. I wouldn't be havin a baby by then so I see no reason to turn either down or anything else... for now. The next 12 - 20 months will be a mix of moving forward and getting ready for a possible new addition. Of course we're still negotiating the new one. We'll see what happens.

I'm sleepy

I wish i was in bed *RIGHT* now. Curled up and snoring loudly. I haven't really rested in awhile and i'm starting to seriously consider renting a hotel room somewhere so that i may do so.

At about 7am the construction starts. My daily ritual is supposed to consist of my alarm going off at 650a followed by two taps of the snooze bar. By that second tap the jackhammers are already in full swing. :(

In other news, I need a place to live. I spoke to my mom and she agreed that no one in my family really has room for me. She said if i got evicted I could stay there "a few days" but realistically I couldn't stay anywhere long term (fyi, I am NOT about to get evicted. she just meant that in a dire situation i wouldn't be on the street)

Hmmm my brain isn't really working so i'll stop typing now. I need to see if i can take a nap in the "employee wellness room"

I make lists

So last night I started making lists. I just meant to start with a "to do" list for today... it quickly turned into about three other lists... goals, groceries, furniture to buy, books to read... you name it, I listed it. And when I was done, i felt relieved. It was like a weight had been lifted. Getting things out of my head and onto paper lets me do a few things. It helps me to free up space in my brain. As long as i have that list i can forget all the things i was supposed to remember because I have my cheat sheet. Writing also helps me to visualize the things i need to do.

By the time i went to sleep I had let go of a ton of anxiety and was able to actually rest. I got up this morning and made lunch and breakfast and got to work (almost) on time.

Yaty for lists!

"Bustin makes you feel good"

© Ray Parker, Jr.

The problem with fortunes, superstitions, etc

so i got that fortune the other day, and i admit to believing fortunes, horoscopes, superstitions, etc when they can be twisted to say what i want them to say. So of course that fortune meant to take a chance and just move to san francisco... this afternoon i got a phone call offering me an spring internship with the government.

that's huge for me. i need that. i mean i had pretty much written off law unless i could work for the government... now here i am with an opportunity to work for the federal govt this spring. i don't know how i could pass up this opportunity... did i mention this is an unpaid internship? There's always a twist isn't there?

The "good" news is that the requirement is only 15 hrs a week. I need to talk to the externship dept at school to see how that will work in terms of getting credit. I also need to see if I will be able to keep my job or perhaps shift to part time. My only concern with asking my job to allow me to go part time or to work something out is that i *know* that once i graduate, i'm leaving. Do i ask for this "favor" knowing that in May I'll (hopefully) be quiting to work in San Fran for the summer? On the one hand i know that i need to do what's best for me, on the other i don't want to create problems for my employer.

i have 20 months to make this all fall into place and i'm pretty scared. hopefully this will all work out and the hard work will pay off.

Todays Fortune Cookie Reads:

"Take that chance you've been considering"

Stupid Stuff Makes Me Chuckle

Yesterday I got a credit card offer in the mail. It was "a way to celebrate my heritage."

My Irish American heritage

Ummm...

yeah.

How I spent my weekend

Well at least the first half of Friday night.

We headed to the Puma store in Georgetown for a release party for the new Yo! MTV Raps Pumas. Performances included one by SPECIAL ED. Now wayyyyyy back when I was a Special Ed fan... and by fan i mean i thought he was cute and i liked his songs. So this was a welcome journey back to my childhood. I'm happy to say that although I don't still find him to be drop dead gorgeous he has aged well and he put on a pretty decent show.

Anyway here are a few photos:

More photos can be found here:

Puma Party - Georgetown

Confessions of a gadget whore

I like electronics. If i had more money i'd be one of those ppl that buys things when they first come out... just so i can say i have it. I wanted an iphone. I'm glad i didn't buy it though cuz the ipod touch woulda pissed me off.

My newest acquisition is my new mackbook. I love her.

She lets me do stuff like this:


and this:

but I mostly love her because she lets me capture moments like this:




Perhaps I've just been extra sentimental lately but I'm realizing how lucky I am to have such an amazing support system. I love these two more than just about anything and if it weren't for their collective efforts I dunno where i would be. From listening to me rant to just putting up with my foolishness... these two keep me on track.

That wasn't the direction that this blog was supposed to take but i think that's ok.

I'll get in trouble for posting these photos soon enough but in the meantime... enjoy

I need to get better

Cuz i'm certainly not doing too well these days. I was talking to a friend the other day about fear and insecurity. And about how angry I am sometimes but mostly how i hate trying to be the person that other people expect me to be.

I read a page in an Ilyana Vanzant book once (yes, i could only make it thru one page) and she was talking about how when you change you'll meet a lot of opposition from selfish people. I believe that. Hell, I've seen that. But the fact is that no matter how supportive people are of me and all of my many changes, there's just certain behavior that I'm not free to exhibit.

People see me as "strong" and "smart". That's flattering, but not always true. Sometimes I'm very weak and when I exhibit that flaw/insecurity people end up hurt, confused, mad, etc. I'm also dumb as fuck sometimes. I do dumb shit. Instead of being able to tell myself, it's ok, it happens. I feel ashamed, embarrassed etc and again i feel like a general disappointment.

I don't think there is any feeling worse than feeling like a failure. No matter what aspect of my life the feeling involves, nothing brings me down faster than that. And I'm feeling like a failure more and more frequently.

I'm tired of being angry. That shit is taxing on me and those around me. I need to learn a little patience and to better communicate when I'm upset/tired/frustrated. Lashing out is getting old fast and i need a better remedy.

The return of the counter...

Two things...

1. If you look over there (*points to the right*) the counter is back. We've decided that come hell or high water, we are leaving this place (DC) on 5/20/09.
Yes, that's a long way away... but that counter will keep me sane for the next 21 months or so.

2. I forgot what two was.

I'm feeling a little better today. It's amazing what sleep can do. I will be running to 3 different parties tonight but Saturday and Sunday are going to be house days with the exception of a trip to Laurel to see the new babies.

Oh.... I remember what two was. The other blog (http://bayandback.blogspot.com)is being turned into a travel blog. Hopefully it'll be full of pics and all that travelly goodness

And I'm out!

*sigh*

it's almost that time again... MLB Post Season

I think I had almost forgotten how stressful this time of year is.

More San Francisco Pics

San Fran... the end

I think I'm going to blow up my life

**disclaimer**
That should not be taken as a terrorist threat

I'm in a transitional phase in my life and I know it. I'm searching for something new and different. I want to stop spinning my wheels on things that don't mean anything to me and start focusing on making myself happy.

I am inches away from quitting law school. It doesn't make me happy. I know what you're thinking: School, especially law school, is not about being happy. I can admit that, but it shouldn't make me hate every single second of my existence. I should mention that i'm really on the fence with this and i'm not quittting until i have something specific lined up. The truth of the matter is, my prospects for law jobs are slim. I can accept that the large firm thing isn't for me. What I'm struggling with, however, is figuring out what *is* for me.

I had another breakdown last night. Not as bad as the last two but it wasn't good. Thankfully Brian was there to talk me down. I was trying my best to explain what i was feeling and i think i did a good job. I know that there are ppl out there in far worse positions than I am, but my issue is that I can't compare myself to them. I have to be good because I want to be good. i can't become complacent with the idea that someone is worse off. I don't want to be that person who doesn't pay the light bill in order to pay the cable and does the reverse the next month. I'm better than that. There's nothing wrong with struggling when you're trying to find your way, but once you find that, it's time to get on track.

That being said, I'm looking for ways to blow up my life. I know what kind of salary i need to make in order to start paying back my student loans and so i'm looking for that dream job. There's no pressure to it really. I can stick with XM while i hunt. At the same time i'm going to keep pushing forward with law school and law related jobs. Whatever is meant to be will reveal itself. I just know that i have to keep pushing forward until it does.

I was afraid this would happen

To say i have anxiety issues is truly an understatement. There have been days when leaving the house is just too much for me. I've been prescribed meds for it but i'm even more afraid of becoming one of those ppl that has to take meds to get out of bed everyday for the rest of my life, so usually i just try to push past the issues or just work from home on the days that i can't do it.

The trip this summer was different. I wasn't that person there. I wasn't that scared girl who couldn't/wouldn't leave the house. I think we went out like everyday. And on the days that we didn't go out, it wasn't because of my issues, it was just nothing that we wanted to do. I miss that girl.

From the moment we left San Fran it seems like things started going bad. Perhaps these are just normal things that seem catastrophic to me because i'm looking for reasons to write off DC forever. Whatever the case, I've gone from happy to miserable and it's really affecting me.

A lot of folks are suggesting that I focus on getting out of here. I'm not sure if that's the best approach... well not entirely. See i don't think i need to focus on just getting back to California, I think I need to focus on tying up the loose ends here in DC. The last thing that i want to do is to feel like i hastily ran off from DC and that I just left because i was afraid. When I leave this place, i want it to be because i was ready and not because i was too scared to stay here.

In that vein, we're starting to come up with a financial plan of what it will take to leave. I want to be sure that financially the pieces are in place. I was inspired by a friend this weekend to start to focus more on financial stuff. Vacations and eating out are fun but i'd like to be able to do that in the future too. Remember that fairytale about the squirrels... or was it chimpmunks? and they'd play all day, not heeding the warnings about the winter? That's how i feel. I'm just playing like there's no tomorrow when in reality winter gets closer and closer everyday. I need to prepare.

I'm an aunt again!!!

Leena gave birth to two of the most handsome little boys EVER.

Mom and babies are doing well as is big sister Kayla.

Here are a couple more pics:

The New Donaldsons...

I'm Back

After what turned out to be a truly amazing summer, I am back in this "place." I have always been fairly candid about my dislike for DC, but it has multiplied since i have been gone.

Work is still work, school is still school but the unhappiness that I'm currently experiencing is unreal. It appears that I will not be able to return to San Fran to live for at least two years... ouch. I don't know if i have two more DC years in me. I'm going to do my best to spend as little time here as possible otherwise you just might see me on the 10 o'clock news running thru the streets like a madwoman.

If you want me you can find me in the...

Bay

http://bayandback.blogspot.com

To the East My Brother

Well, it's time for me to pack up and head home. In about 3.5 hours I will board a plane back to DC by way of Chicago. Hopefully the storms will hold off and I will be able to make it safely with minimal (ie none) turbulence.

From there i have a hair appointment, a few clothes to wash, some last minute packing, a little bit of cooking, some ice buying, a perscription pick up and hopefully a few hours of sleep and then we're on the road.

As much as i hate to leave this city, the fact that i will be back shortly makes it a little less difficult...

and now an open letter to the folks in the hotel room next to mine:

Please stop. I don't want to hear that anymore. Please

Thanks

Bye, San Francisco... See ya again on Saturday!

This could be the best summer ever

I spent the day yesterday with one of my favorite couples here in San Fran. Imagine if you will, two foodies who enjoy being outside and laffing and having a couple of drinks... like they could be my bestest friends ever!

We ate at Sunflower, a Vietnamese restaurant near 16th and Valencia and the food was great. It was my first time eating Vietnamese food, but i gave it a try and was rewarded. We left there and went to Pride of the Mediterranean on Fillmore for hookah. Another first for me. I took a few pulls and enjoyed the strawberriness (not a word, i know). It was really smooth and i liked that. The highlight for me was the Arabic Tea (which we had two pots of).

From there we went to the Cliff House o lok at the Ocean (and freeze our asses off). Next was a couple of drinks followed by dinner at La Traviata in the Mission. After that I was BEYOND tired. I think i got into the bed at 9:50 and slept the night away.

Today should be a pretty busy day between Fan Fest and the XM Futures Game. I plan to pretty much be on the go from start to finish. Tomorrow is also going t be a long one with an early morning broadcast from the suite here at the hotel to Fan Fest to the HomeRun Derby. There's even rumors of trying to get into the Jay-Z/Barry Bonds party at Roe on Monday night.

Needless to say my flight leaves at 6am on Tuesday so I will be doing my best to just stay awake thru the night so i can sleep the whole way home.

Sweet Jesus! I forgot how much I love this place!

So after a rather uneventful flight, my coworkers and I landed in Oakland and drove to San Francisco yesterday. The air was crisp, the fog was rolling in and I immediately felt like i was home. As i tuned out all of the "it's cold" nonsense, I looked out the window and enjoyed the sights/sounds of my favorite city.

For the next few days I'll be a part of the madness that is All Star Weekend. A few of my coworkers have already done several things to give me pause, but i just remind myself that as of 6am tuesday, they aren't my problem for the next 7 weeks.

This little business trip has me so amped for the "real" trip in a few days. For now though I'm gonna enjoy this nice ass hotel and the expensive ass food that my company will have to reimburse me for. I just wish BJ was here to enjoy it all with me. (that was ghey)

What a Beautiful Weekend

The weather this weekend was amazing. It's almost like the weather is trying to convince me that DC isn't as bad as i make it out to be. At any rate we got a lot accomplished this weekend. We cleaned the apt some more and even went to work on the car. I have about 3 more days in the office and then it's time for a much deserved vacation. Yes, I will be working a few days for All Star Week but that really doesn't count. Right now I'm trying to focus on washing clothes, cleaning up and getting ready to get outta here.

The plan is to continue blogging here and on the trip blog (www.bayandback.blogspot.com) hopefully we'll have lots of pics and interesting stories along the way.

On Saturday me, leena, kayla and bj all headed over to my parents' house for Googie's bday celebration. I can honestly say that Kayla stole the show. She played with everyone, laffed, smiled and had a great time. I love how outgoing she is. She's an amazing little girl and i'm so happy for leena and dennis. I can't wait to see what the next two babies will be like!

**random**
I didn't know Beyonce was in the "Happily Ever After" video.

Ok, bye.

FCUK!!!!

So in ONE WEEK I leave... like i bounce and I won't be back for a minute. Well that's not true... I leave on Friday, come back on Tuesday and leave again on Wednesday. Anticipation is turning to nervousness. What if something happens while i'm gone? I've got a sick dad and a pregnant best friend on this coast. I'm trying to stay positive but i'm definitely making sure I have enough money for an emergency flight home.

Speaking of my dad, he's so damned adorable. He calls my mom "kitty" and we don't know why... i mean we *know* why (*insert shudder here*) but it's a recent development. I went to visit last weekend and told him about my trip out west. He asked if there was anywhere i hadn't been yet and I told him there were plenty of places... he laffed and asked me if i'd ever be done with school. I told him i had two more years and he smiled. He's proud of me and that feels good. It's funny that no matter how old and "independent" i get, i still look to my parents for their approval of most of what I do. To a certain degree i shouldn't, but when their reaction is positive, i guess it isn't so bad.

Plodding Thru

The closer I get to leaving for San Fran the more stuff I realize that I have to do. Now granted most of this accumulation is the result of my procrastination but there are a lot of other things that I legitimately need to get done. B has been a tremendous help. He's cleaned damn near half the house and that keeps me sane.
I've handed in the last edit i'll have to do before we leave and i've just been focusing on job stuff. I'm in the process of trying to narrow down my list of firms that i'm applying to and trying to figure out something to do with my life. I got exactly zero interviews last year, i'm not trying to do that again. This year I'm doing a lot more research into firms that I might be interested in but i'm also looking at Government Agencies, Non-profit orgs and a bunch of other places that might be suitable. I'm cautiously excited about the possibility of actually getting an interview this year.
Lately I've found myself wondering how different my life would have been if I hadn't had to sit out of school. After my first year, I was denied financial aid. As a recently married person, I assumed, perhaps foolishly, that this man that had promised to love, cherish, etc would step up and offer solutions as to how "we" could afford to send me. I expected him to say something like "just get the federal loans and we'll work out the rest." All I got was, "well i don't think you're really putting in enough effort for me to put my money towards it." "My money" We were never on the same page when it came to money but that was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. That's when i realized that I had no support system when it came to him. I realized that he didn't see the marriage as a partnership and after some soul-searching I realized that we had never seen eye to eye on that. When I took a leave of absence from school I knew that it was only a matter of time before I would be getting divorced.
My mom mentioned to me recently that I don't talk much about my divorce and I kinda just shrugged. I told her i really didn't have much to say about the divorce or the marriage. I think my ex is a cool guy so I'm not gonna bad-mouth him. At the same time, I feel that at times the relationship was mentally abusive to a certain degree and that's not something that I want to relive. I've grown a LOT since 12/18/04, I just don't see the point of going back to that place right now.

The 5am Monday Morning Panic Attack

This morning i woke up out of a sound sleep with my heart beating loudly and gasping for air.
Today is June 18th... I leave for San Fran on July 6th.... *insert scream here*

I.am.not.ready. Point blank... I'm just not. I need to get my ass in gear ASAP because shit isn't gonna work like this.

Wish me luck!

The Beauty of Jamaica

I have been blessed a million times over. I have met so many wonderful people in my life and seen so many beautiful things and places. Jamaica may have the distinction of being the most beautiful place that I have ever seen and I was fortunate enough to spend 5 days there in celebration of my niece's graduation from college...

This is my second trip to Jamaica and though I would say that Negril is more beautiful than Ocho Rios, being on vacation with my sister, my niece, my nephew, and BJ was an amazing experience and its something that i hope to do again. Although I'm still waiting on the photos from Dunn's River Falls, I wanted to blog about the trip before too much of it left my mind.

We stayed at the Sunset Jamaica Grande Resort in Ocho Rios. The view from the hotel was amazing. The food was great. There was plenty of time for sappiness and laughs. My niece did activity... and it made her hungry. My nephew drank Likkle Biggas while my sister got lost in the jungle. BJ did a bit of cooning... and we ate some more.

In our free time we took a trip up to 9 Mile, the birth and final resting place of Bob Marley. Seeing the World thru the eyes of a young Bob Marley makes his music that much more meaningful. Unfortunately i didn't get the same sense of peace inside of the mausoleum where he is laid to rest.

It was an amazing trip... despite the 5 extra hours spent in Miami and I hope to go back soon.
The rest of the photos can be found here. Hopefully i'll be adding pics from Dunn's River Falls soon. Here are a few more pics til then

An open letter to my sidekick

Fuck you, ok?
Who told you to crack?
Who told you to position yourself under my foot?
You wanted to die... and now... you're gone.

jerk.

Slow Motion to Fast Forward

So now, time is moving entirely too fast. I feel like i'm completely out of time. In 48 hours i'll be at the airport on my way to Jamaica... In 34 days I'll be on my way to San Fran... It's all happening so fast. It's exciting and scary at the same time.

I also handed my paycheck over to this place yesterday. I'm an idiot... but I smell delicious and my skin is glowing. I'm also still waiting on this last damn grade. It's driving me absolutely crazy. I really just want to know what i got so that i can enjoy my summer (and figure out where i'll be applying for a job).

I have a ton of things on my mind but nothing is really coming together so i'm gonna stop now. I'll be back though.

Joy and Pain

It's like sunshine... and rain...

That sums up the weekend.

There was good food, great people, lots of laffing and even a little crying (yes, i'm the only one that cried). I think we experienced every weather condition possible... oppressive heat, cold rain... you name it, we had it. Of course there was also my persistent neck pain and a brief stint of an altered state of consciousness, but overall it was an amazing weekend.

As someone who is rarely around the majority of the folks that i call my friends, this weekend was a much needed opportunity for me to spend time with folks that i genuinely love and care about. I will admit that the whole thing made me even more emotional than usual but i honestly did my best to control my gayness.

There was also strippers, likka, and some other stuff but i'll have to save that for another blog. I have to start getting ready for Jamaica!

How mittens lost her gangsta

It's a good thing... i mean kinda. I'm soft now. Well i've always been soft, but it's blatant these days... skirts, makeup, heels... it's all there. It's not all the time, but it's creeping in. Part of it is the heat, the other part is just a general increased comfort with letting my guard down and being vulnerable. There's also more self confidence. I still go thru the ups and downs... but i'm human and i'm learning that even that is ok. I'm growing and it feels great.

And now... a photo that i took yesterday morning... gheyness at it's finest.

It's a Lazy Afternoon

... if i was a cat i'd purr.

I had a lovely afternoon topped off with some cuddling and a nice nap on the sofa.

I'm smiling

Sometimes I do some pretty dumb $#!+

Can anyone tell me what's wrong with this picture?
Now i have to decide whether I should pay the $110 to replace it or act like the crack doesn't bother me.

Breaking my toys makes me sad

And another one...

B+

*dances*

I'm just waiting on one more grade. I realized last night that my GPA is never gonna look good on paper. It'll look decent and i'll definitely have a B average of some sort... but i'll never be an A- student. Which i'm actually ok with. Lately I've been doing research on some nontraditional options for after graduation. I never wanted to be the law firm type anyway so i'm ok with that. I think the government route will be for me so that's what I'm focusing on. Hopefully i can find a way to do that and not live in DC.

I'm a bit disappointed in myself. I've made strides in some areas but i'm sitting on my ass in others. Tonight I'm going to go home and get a TON of shit accomplished. I have no choice. I need to find a better way to kick myself in the ass because i've been lacking in that department lately.

It doesn't help that i've been off my meds for awhile too. I need to stop doing that... that's a dangerous game to play. I'm clearly not a doctor so I should probably avoid playing one with my own meds.

Sometimes

Sometimes I get my hopes up. I make things into way more than they need be... I envision how things will play out and conjure fairy tale endings to go along with it. Rarely do things go that way. I've never had a fairy tale ending so i'm not too sure why i'm expecting one now.

The dreamer in me is starting to give way to the realist. Moments of happiness are interspersed with sadness. Dreams that i've had are put on hold indefinitely to make way for those of others. Maybe someday someone will want to make my dreams a reality too... I doubt it though cuz like i said before i've never had a fairy tale ending... I doubt they'll start now

10 19 46 51

10: The number of days until I see an old friend again. That's like the official kickoff to my summer of greatness. After I hug her to death I plan to spend the rest of the weekend laffing like a fool and relaxing

19: The number of days until we leave for Jamaica. Man... if ever i needed a vacation... I hope to spend the majority of that trip laying next to someone's beach, sipping some sort of alcoholic beverage and relaxing.

46: The number of days until my trip to the MLB All Star week festivities. Never been to something like this and i'm really looking forward to it. Although I try to hide my baseball enthusiast side, I'm extremely excited to be going to this event. Hopefully i'll get to meet some folks and finally enjoy some perks of the job.

51: That's the number of days until my leave of absence and subsequent cross-country drive. I have like a MILLION things to do before then so I really need to focus. I think that by the end of this week I'm going to do one last budget and then start tying up the loose ends... new tires, dentist appointment, Fishbone's trip to the vet, etc. I have a lot to do and it's about to get real hectic. I need to get on the ball before I find myself completely out of time.

It's nice to be this happy and excited after being so unhappy for so long.

Graduation Season

Yesterday my niece graduated from college. Saying i'm "proud" of her doesn't even begin to express how i felt yesterday. Seeing her walk across that stage as she graduated cum laude made me reminisce on how far she's come since she started college four years ago. Over the past four years she's gone from the insecure, immature high school senior to the self-assured, confident woman that i saw yesterday.

Amidst the joy i felt for her, I couldn't help but feel a bit saddened at the fact that I wasn't sharing in that joy this weekend too. Today should have been my graduation. Well no... if i had stayed a full time student and not taken a leave of absence I would have graduated today. I have mixed emotions about the whole thing to be honest. I know that the path i took was a necessary one, and i know that I have learned many lessons as a result... but at the same time, i'm ready to reach the end of that journey. All i can do is be patient and enjoy what i have. My time will come... yeah... i just keep tellin myself that.

Addiction

I've known addiction all my life. I was born into a household where my mom, dad and oldest sister smoked, my dad struggled with alcohol and gambling, and my brother-in-law smoked weed. While i know it was a somewhat different time then, i knew from a very young age the things that they were putting into their bodies and the likely effects it would have on them.

As I got older (and by older i mean 10), I began to experiment with alcohol and cigarettes. By 12 I had a full-blown drinking problem and had started to dabble in a number of drugs. I spent most of the summer before my 9th grade year in a "special camp" (ie rehab). I have come to understand that i have an addictive personality and am predisposed to addiction. I am also aware that at almost any moment i could slip back to where i was and wind up in "camp" all over again.

Over the past year or so, I have separated myself from a lot of people that i felt had the potential to negatively impact my well-being as it relates to addiction. I'm never going to look down my nose at others for what they do, but because i know my own limits (or lack of limits), I know that i can't be around some folks for fear of spiraling out of control. Although I still drink more than i should and am easily sucked into gambling, I really do work hard to keep it all fairly moderate.

We all have our vices and demons that we deal with. Sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. But overcoming those vices takes strength and support from those closest to us. There will always be those assholes that try to bring you down ("one drink ain't gonna hurt") but when you're able to build up a strong enough support system, it becomes easier and easier to resist those temptations.

I say all this to say, someone i care about has an addiction and i hope he reads this and realizes that I've been where he is and i'm there for him.

Nerves

I am afraid of most things. The short list includes:
- failure
- success
- being alone
- being around people
- being smart
- not being smart enough
- responsibility
- change
- being stagnant

I could go on but i know you get the idea.

In about 2 weeks my life is going to start moving at a very rapid rate. Between travel, work, school, and having company, I am about to be surrounded by a whirlwind of activity. The *smart* thing to do would be to use this time leading up to that to take care of the other things that need to get done and to prepare so that I am not stressed during that time... well, I don't like to do the smart thing. I'm letting too much stuff slide and it needs to stop. It's just been so long since i've been able to go home and just veg out without some "to do" list hanging over my head. And so, rather than use the time to get ahead... I relax.

My thing is, i am an AMAZING planner. My excution, however, is non-existent. That is going to change before December. That's one of the bad habits i need to break. Until I can learn to just do things on my own, I am loading up my Treo and setting daily "goals" for myself to get things done. I know that I can accomplish a ton of shit when i focus, the key is learning to focus.

Purging

I have a ton of stuff i need to get rid of.
On my first pass I got rid of people. I shaved approximately 70 people off my buddy lists. I collect people and I need to stop. There are a lot of folks that I talk to just because. Folks that I know don't like me, folks that i don't like. I just talk to them because i feel like it's the "right" thing to do. But it's not. I'm tired of pretending to like people and having them pretend to like me. Not everyone that got the axe off of the buddy list is an "enemy." Some folks I just don't like talking to. Yes, there's a difference between being an enemy and my not enjoying your conversation. Some folks i hadn't spoken to in AGES. Some folks I didn't even know who they were. But yeah... i cut a bunch of folks and really, outside of work, i'm trying to ween myself off of IM anyway. I give far too much access to folks with little to no return.

The next thing i need to purge is fat. I've got wayyyyy too much of that and i need to let a bunch of it go. That's probably gonna be the hardest thing because i'm not really one for exercising.... i'm working on it though (25 days til Jamaica :-\)

I'm also going to have to purge papers. I'm a packrat in training and I need to stop. My mom got a keepsake box from a friend for Mother's Day. I need to get something similar since i like to hang on to ticket stubbs and everything else. But the excess papers need to go. I have NEVER gone back to look at my notes from a class EVER... so why keep them? I'll keep the text books, but the notes? Nope... they gotta go.

The last thing on the current purge list is just all my bad habits. I need to get a lot of my destructive behavior under control because the self sabotoging isn't cute... at. all. I think i'm going to pick one or two to focus on and start moving forward. I'm so tired of being stagnant that it isn't even funny.

When "sorry" isn't enough

Sometimes "sorry" doesn't cut it. I mean sometimes it isn't enough to say "I'm sorry." The thing about "sorry" is that the person you say it to doesn't have to accept it and even if they chose to forgive, they don't have to forget. I'm scared that my "sorry" won't be enough this time.

Knowing that I have hurt someone I care about hurts... and that's putting it mildly. Seeing tears fall from that person's eyes makes me physically ill... and all i could do is say "i'm sorry." I couldn't even begin to put into words how much that angers me. I would do anything to be able to reverse those actions and protect the feelings that i so recklessly trampled on... but i can't. All i can say is two words that really don't mean shit. Unfortunately, at this point, I am at a loss. I mean what more can i do? There aren't enough words... there aren't enough ways to express sorry and so, i have to just accept what i did. I have to accept the feeling of complete helplessness and the fact that i can never again make that right.

The thing that hurts the most though is that, i might not ever be able to overcome this. The hurt that lead me to act so foolishly is something i am forced to deal with. That hurt has dulled somewhat, but it's still there. I'm mostly angry... angry that i did something so stupid, angry that i let myself get angry enough to behave so foolishly and angry that i am so helpless to do anything to fix this mess.

I need to find a way to forgive myself for this. From there all i can do is hope and pray that i will be forgiven and that "i'm sorry" can at least be enough to start the healing process.

I love my life.

Yesterday was just a good day. It started off simple enough. Went to work, had a couple meetings... the usual. At about 1p i get a text message that 9th and Monie Love are on their way to XM for their interview, which was perfect because it wasn't scheduled to start until 2. So i do a little more work for about an hour and head to the lobby to wait. Two o'clock comes and goes. While i'm standing in the lobby shooting the shit with Nate, fuckin Crazy Legs walks in. I'm pretty excited about that but I'm also a little annoyed because it's going on 2:10 and my guests are nowhere to be found.

A few minutes later Monie walks up... My Gawd... she's just beautiful. I remember when i was first learning about hip hop and figuring out what i liked and didn't like. I liked Monie from jump. She was like the little sister of hip hop if that makes sense. She is easily one of the most passionate people I've ever met. And meeting a woman, who is that passionate about music in general, but hip hop especially? Just WOW.

Shortly after that 9th pulled up and we went up to the interview. When we get to the studio it's Crazy Legs, 9th and Monie... just shooting the shit. I mean imagine standing there and listening to like some folks you've been following for YEARS talkin about their kids... it was surreal. Part of me felt like i was intruding... but at the same time it was like being a part of something really big. The highlight of that moment was when Monie said something to the effect that she had been trying to get 9th and Crazy Legs to meet for some time and she thanked us for making that happen. Now i know that shit was just a damn coincidence, but i mean, I had that woman's cassette way back when and she's thanking me for stuff... craziness. The interview went really well and i think i'm back in the game for pushing the True School Radio idea. 9th and Monie with a radio show? (with guest appearances by mittens!!!) That's just wow.

Last night was the True School House Party at Liv too. Just imagine a party where every single song makes you think back to "the good old days." For every song i heard last night i remember what was going on in my life when i was listening to that song, where i was living, who i was friends with... all of that stuff. I miss that about music. It's so rare that something i buy today will have that same nostalgic effect for me. But for four hours yesterday I got to dance, and sing, and reminisce on the good old days... and i got to say whatup to Grap... that always makes me smile (if you know me, you should know why that's a big deal).

But the best part of my night came when i got a text message from this guy sayin he'd be off work early. I spent the end of my night dancing with (on) him and headed home to devour some chicken wings... does it get any better than that?

Come back to Jamaica....

Remember those commercials?

Well that's what i'm doing, I am going back to Jamaica. I'm REALLY looking forward to this trip. The idea of just relaxing and being away from the stresses of my daily life is making it hard for me to be patient. Although the San Fran trip will also be a vacation, it's going to be different. I don't feel that that's going to be a relaxing trip, so i'm glad to have this "pre-vacation" to gear up for the other trip.

But yeah, Jamaica. I've only been once before and that time it was to Negril. It was beautiful beyond belief there. This time around it'll be Ocho Rios. I plan to take no less than two million pictures because the ones i took last time were AMAZING!

So this weekend is going to be a bit of a blur.

This afternoon I'm helping with an interview for Subsoniq. Monie Love and 9th Wonder will be stopping by to shoot the shit for awhile.

Then tonight I'll be here:



That's always guaranteed to be a good time.


Saturday I'm going to a happy hour in an attempt to be more social and well-liked.
Sunday is, of course Mother's Day. My sister's and i will be cooking brunch for the family and spending the day with mom.


Next weekend is my niece's graduation from college... time is FLYING by. I need to start making my mark on the world ASAP

My First Grade is In.....

*insert drumroll*

A -

YAY, Bitches!
Sure it was my 2 credit class and sure it was Ethics which is basically learning what to say when asked what one *should* do and sure most people don't really do what's ethical... but so what? My GPA is creepin up!

That was a welcome surprise. I have two more grades that will need to post: Family Law and Evidence. Family Law will probably post soon. Evidence I'm not so sure about. I've been giving a lot of thought lately to what i want to do after graduation. Although the $130,000 starting salary sounds WONDERFUL, i really don't want to follow that path. I want to do something I'm interested in and something that i feel will make a difference. Me sorting through paperwork at some huge law firm isn't my idea of satifying. I'm toying with the idea of pursuing a career as a public defender or perhaps a prosecutor. I had an interesting convo with a guy who prosecutes children. Sounds fucked up, right? I was all ready to be pissed at him, but he was talking about how he has the leeway to decide the types of punishment and how he pushes for rehabilitation for youth. If i had an opportunity to do something like that where i had that much autonomy it might not be so bad.

In the fall I will be taking Administrative Law, Sales and Secured Transactions, and Criminal Trial Advocacy. The last court is all about learning how to try a case. I'm hoping to kill two birds with one stone on that one: 1) See if I really want to be a trial lawyer and 2) Work on speaking up and being more confident. Those three classes equal 9 credit hours and i'll also have office hours for the Admin Law Review. I'm also going to be helping to edit the publication and hopefully be interviewing and trying to do something law related for next summer. Ideally I'd like to quit my current job and start working as a law clerk in the Spring. We'll see where that goes.

Stepping Out

**Disclaimer**
This entry isn't about cheating. If that's what you're looking for, please exit stage left.

Now...
I am socially awkward... or maybe i should say, i can be socially awkward. I don't really do well with small talk and my networking skills are deplorable. I'm good at talking to my friends. I'm good at running my mouth with people i know well. But for the most part i am painfully shy when it comes to unfamiliar situations.

A huge part of getting a job upon graduation will have to do with my ability to network, small talk, initiate convo etc. That scares me. To say i have anxiety issues is probably a gross understatement. Some days I'm not able to leave the house. So imagine trying to force myself to not only leave the house but to throw myself into an uncomfortable and unfamiliar situation. It's not something that i look forward to.

I can't even begin to count the number of times i've seen someone that i recognize and i'll go over to say "hello" or something. As soon as they respond i'm ready for the convo to end. So while they're going thru the whole "OMG! I haven't seen you in so long how are you?!" I'm like "well it was good to see you bye!" That makes for a most awkward convo.

I've been trying to force myself into becoming more comfortable in social situations. By forcing myself to go to happy hours, trying to join clubs/organizations, etc., i'm hoping that i can learn to be comfortable in social settings and to gain confidence in my ability to talk to people and carry on conversations. I am also taking a course next semester that will simulate trials. I hope that it will make me feel more comfortable with my public speaking and help me to stop feeling so awkward.

It's hard forcing yourself past your boundaries and making yourself try something new, but i'm workin on it!

4 down, 4 to go

I took my last exam of the semester last night. I am officially finished with my second year of Law School. I am now officially half way there (i'm a part time student). As gueling as this process is, it isn't as bad as i expected. Well it kinda is... but I'm not suicidal.

I remember when it all started... i didn't know what in the hell to expect. That seems like so damned long ago. I was thinking back to a surprise party that my friends threw for me to celebrate my nerdy accomplishment... the people that were there... I don't talk to more than half of them now. If someone would have told me on that day to look around the table and pick the 4 people i thought i would be cool with three years later, i'm not sure whether i would have guessed correctly. Throughout my life I've been a bit of a friend collector. I liked having lots of "friends" and knowing people. It kinda made me feel important to be able to go somewhere and always see a "friend." Over the last few years though, I've started to move away from that. It's kinda nice to go somewhere and not recognize folks. There's a certain comfort in anonymity... But yeah, here i am three years later. I am a completely different person, and i like it.

So with year #2 behind me I can officially switch gears to my summer plans... getting to catch up with a friend i haven't seen in over a year, going to Jamaica with someone I love dearly, travelling across country on a 6 week adventure... there's just so much for me to look forward to and quite honestly, I deserve every bit of it.

Man oh Man...

I never thought i'd say it but thank God the weekend is over. I've got a ton of work i need to do on myself. Coming so close to losing something so important taught me a lot about the person i am and the person i want to be. Although i know there will be some issues with readjusting, I'm glad that things are back on track. No more secrets... ever.

On a completely unrelated note, today is my last final as a 2L... yay, bitch. I'm ready for this semester to be OVER. All in all i think i did ok this semester. School is starting to come to me a little bit easier. The goal this summer is to learn all about Admin Law and pick a topic for my paper. Hopefully i'll find something interesting.

I've also decided that after this trip to SF this summer I'm gonna put my hopes of moving out that way on hold for awhile. I think for next summer i'm going to focus my job search on the NY and DC areas only and see where that leads. I'll also be taking the bar in NY... ummm yeah.

Either way, life is ok today. I'm smiling and that's all that matters to me right now.

My mommy yelled at me this morning

Whenever something really bad happens and i don't know how to deal with it, I call my mom and ask her to pray for me. Me and my best friend joke that she has a direct line to God because her prayers always seem to work.
I asked her to pray for me and she asked why... and i told her. And she laid me the fuck out. I don't think i've been yelled at like that in YEARS. The conversation ended with her expressing her utter annoyance with me and hanging up on me. To say i feel alienated right now is probably the biggest understatement ever.

. . .

Breaking trust is fast, building it is slow. © Henry Abbott


Who woulda thought a blog about the NBA could contain such a relevant statement? I lost someone's trust today and i have no one to blame but myself. I honestly can't think of a bigger mistake i've ever made in my life. I wish i could come up with the right words to even describe what i feel (isn't that what blogs are for) but i can't.

The closest i think i've ever come to feeling this bad about something is when my mother called me crying and asking me what was going on with me down in Hampton. She demanded to know why she gave me plenty of money for rent and bills and yet, I was about to be evicted. She wanted to know why my phone was cut off when i had called her twice for money to pay it, both times promising her that i had. She asked if i was on drugs and if someone was doing something to me. I told her i was fine. that i had just bought some things at the mall and that i was sorry.

She didn't believe a word i said. Not a single one. But she sent more money anyway. And one day, i showed up back home with all my stuff. I was 34 pounds lighter than when she had last seen me. I was tired and i was defeated. She NEVER asked me again what was going on. Never. But i had lost her trust. She wouldn't give me money for anything. when i was looking for a job and i asked for gas money or metro fare, she'd give me her gas card or a bus token... no cash. If i was going somewhere she'd nod at my whereabouts and try to verify them upon my return.

Losing her trust has been one of the most painful things that I have ever had to experience. It's been almost ten years to the day that i showed up back at home from school. May 8, 1997, to be exact. History has a way of repeating itself i suppose. Today i realized that i again have lost the trust of someone i care about deeply. I have that same feeling of emptiness and nausea in my stomach. I mean what can you really do? Hope? Pray? Wait? I'm all out of options...

Nightmares and Sleep Paralysis

*insert long sigh here*

After a bit of a hiatus, the nightmares have returned. I hate how they always sneak up on me without warning. To make life *that* much more interesting, they've brought along a good friend: sleep paralysis.

When i first started having the nightmares, the scariest part was always the paralysis. It's one thing to be in a dream and come out of it, but instead of the comfort that comes along with realizing you're awake and safe, i open my eyes and see things around me, and yet i'm powerless to move or speak or anything. It's weird because when i'm in the middle of that transition i feel my body freeing up in the dream and it makes me struggle/fight/thrash that much harder to wake myself. Sometimes i can do it by repeatedly shaking my head side to side and telling myself to wake up... other times i flail all my limbs as hard as I can. No matter how often it happens, i always think that i'm dead... ALWAYS. It's probably the craziest thing ever, but i lay there and i think "oh shit, it's over"... then i'm like "naw fuck that" and start moving around in hopes of waking up.

The result of the nightmares and the thrashing are of course utter exhaustion.

Last night there were two dreams. The one i remember involved me and the exhusband going to 7-11. He got out of the car but left the back driver side door open. The whole time i was sitting in the car thinking "why would he leave that open it isn't safe?" Sure enough before he could get back to the car two guys get in and tell me they're going to rape and kill me... this is of course where the paralysis kicks in. I had enough presence of mind to know that i was dreaming and that i wanted to wake up... but the paralysis and consequently having to essentially endure the dream without being able to fight back was upsetting to say the least. The result was me waking myself up by kicking and flailing.

The second dream didn't involve the paralysis but it was unsettling all the same. I was walking thru various parts of DC alone and i noticed that everywhere i went there was a guy walking up behind people and stabbing them in the back. Then he'd just walk off like nothing happened. When i finally turned on one street near where i had gone to elementary and high school i realized that he was behind me and that there was no one else on the street. I immediately picked up the pace and headed to my high school because i know that there's a guard at the gate and i figured it was safe. When i got to the guard, I told him what was going on but, of course he didn't see the guy. Realizing that the guard couldn't help me i ran up the street and came across this weird tunnel that lead to the monastery that was near my highschool. I crawled in the tunnel and waited. The guy never showed up but a priest did. I told him what happened and he did some sort of magic spell that closed off the tunnel so there was no way the guy could get to me. The guy never showed up at the tunnel though.

So... ok... dream 1. Clearly i have some feelings of betrayal by men. I don't know if the ex represents himself or men in general but that dream was all about a man who i expected to protect me not doing his job to keep me safe and consequently i wound up very hurt by that negligence. Dream 2... i dunno i think maybe i need to go to church. I was running from death essentially and i ran to the last two places that represent religion to me. I sought safety inside the gates of a place i consider religious, went to a monestary for help and was ultimately helped/protected by a magical priest... ummm... ok. So i suppose that means that i'm looking for some sort of spiritual fulfillment to help me deal with my fear surrounding death?

All i know is, I have some shit i'm trying to deal with, sleep paralysis can be exacerbated by ADD medication and stress (ie my life) and I'm sleepy.