What i learned today

Today I learned that it is VERY hard to do someone else's grocery shopping for them. I spent approximately 2.5 hours on what amounted to a scavenger hunt in my local grocery store. Since my dad can't be in the house alone, my sister and I take turns doing the grocery shopping for the family. Now I will give it to my mom, she gave me VERY detailed info about what she wanted. From sizes to name brands, she gave me all of the info i could possibly need. But 99% of the things she wanted are things that i had never purchased... three bean salad? fordhook lima beans? At any rate, I am happy to say I got every single item on the list.


I can't imagine how difficult it is to give up as much control of your life that my mom has. As much as i dislike grocery shopping, I can't imagine not being able to do it for myself. The love that my mother has for my father is the most amazing thing I've ever witnessed. I truly hope that I am able to learn to love that selflessly.

So long, Winter.

Unfortunately it looks like winter is gone. This is a pic I snapped on my way to work one morning. The thing that i love the most about the cold weather is the trees. Trees with no leaves seem to have so much character... The contrast gives them personality. There's nothing more peaceful to me than the silence you can hear on a winter day. Of course it helps that everything that could possibly make me sneeze has shriveled up and died..

What in the hell do fat women wear to the beach?

I mean ok.. I get it. I need to lose weight... i need to exercise.

That's all loverly.

But Jamaica is 8 weeks away... and well... yeah there's only so much that can be done between now and then. So i've been looking and there is NOTHING catching my eye. Usually I can at least find something tolerable... no such luck.

Sheesh.

4/19/2007

I've been trying to start this blog for hours but... I just don't know what to say.

Today I was official granted an absolute divorce i.e. my marriage is over. The hearing itself was pretty uneventful. No outbursts, more laffing than I would have expected. It was just an ordinary day at the courthouse. The whole thing took 13 minutes tops... and then we went to IHOP. We laffed some more, talked about our families... and then we went our separate ways... and i didn't cry. I didn't feel the emptiness i expected. I just felt at peace.

The 4 years that I spent with him taught me a TON about myself. I always thought that my ultimate goal in life was to be my mother. I've since realized that I don't have to be exactly like her to still be the wonderful type of person she is. I learned that if I'm not happy, things just can't go smoothly...

At 31 I can honestly say that i've probably spent 29 yrs trying to make others happy.
That's just not gonna work. It's one thing to want to do nice things for ppl but it's another thing to totally lose yourself in the process. I was LOST, dude. I was fortunate enough to have friends that pushed me to find myself. When everything is over I sent a text message to a good friend... someone who has always been incredibly encouraging and who has pushed me to be the best person i can be from the moment i first met him. I think the most important words i heard today came from him. He said, "I'm happy that you see HOW damn much you've grown in the last couple of years. Now a new time begins... The bay is right around the corner... Life is about to get exciting!"

When i think about it he saw me at my lowest point. I spoke to him the day I realized that my marriage was over. He gave me strength to move forward and to be strong enough to realize that I was strong. Words cannot express my gratitude... seriously.

In 2yrs i've gone from probably the lowest point to what might my highest point so far. I'm surprised when I look in the mirror half the time. I'm happy to be where I am and I'm happy to have ppl close to me that love and care about me and I will continue to improve myself for them, but most importantly, for myself.

Thanks, Sam

There been times that I thought I wouldn't last for long
Now think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, along time coming but I know
A change gon' come, oh yes it will...

There is a whirlwind of activity surrounding me right now... passports, court appearances, car maintenance... So much is going on. Between the trips and the divorce, I'm honestly a bit off kilter. I'm stuck between being extra needy to being weepy to being ecstatic to just *being*

My emotions have risen and fallen so much in the last few weeks and I've done my best to keep it all inside. Not because I think it's best, but just because everyone is so busy and quite frankly i don't know what to say. I'm so excited about the future and yet, I'm scared to death. For the first time I feel like I'm controlling my life. It feels extremely liberating and yet, it gets lonely. That's not to say that I don't have people there for me, it's just that sometimes it'd be nice to sit back and ride in the passenger seat for awhile.

That's the cover of the Administrative Law Review. According to Wikipedia:

The Administrative Law Review (cited to as Admin. L. Rev.) is a law journal officially published by the American Bar Association Section of Administrative Law & Regulatory Practice and American University Washington College of Law. The ALR, which is published quarterly, contains articles, essays, and book reviews by professional legal scholars and practitioners, as well as student-written notes and comments.

Recognized in the legal community as holding title to one of the highest circulation rates of any student-edited journal, the ALR maintains a readership consisting of both private subscriptions and many of the 17,000 members of the American Bar Association Section of Administrative Law & Regulatory Practice.

The ALR is also one of four journals edited by law students at The American University Washington College of Law.

I was selected to be on the staff of this journal. That means that i will be editing and possibly writing for this publication. I'm beyond excited about this. I mean i don't think that i'm going to have a ton of fun editing and writing, but this is a huge deal for me.

I also spent a HUGE part of the day buying things for the trip. Specifically stuff for this monster of a cat. A new carrier, a collar, a name tag, harness, leash... I think i got everything... and of course i overspent. Interestingly enough, this 21 pound cat is too big for any of the cat products. Everything i bought today is for a medium sized dog. I guess he needs to be in the gym with me.

*Exhales*

A little over three weeks ago I handed in my entry for the annual short write on competition at my school. As I handed it in, I knew that I had done my absolute best. I had written, edited, revised, rewritten, edited and revised some more. It was honestly my best effort. Today, at 2pm, I got a call that I had been selected for the Administrative Law Review. That's a pretty big deal and I am extremely happy.

When I tried to do this competition before during my first year of school, I didn't make it past the first day. I tried to read the materials, couldn't get focused, couldn't get organized, and just quit. What a difference a couple of years makes. The sense of accomplishment that is associated with this for me is AMAZING. Even though I spent the early part of the day completely freaked out about not making it, I still knew that I had given 100%.

The accomplishment is still a bit bittersweet (aren't they always). My grades are still a little low and could possibly limit my opportunities. But this has shown me what I'm capable of. I spend so much time looking around at the other students and trying to figure out where I fit in. Truth is, I'm right up there with them.

The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow

When I was little my parents took me to see Annie. I LOVED everything about Annie. I knew all the songs, the choreography... EVERYTHING. So that day was a special day for me. My mom bought me a new dress (red of course) and tights, and the SHINIEST white patent leather shoes you have EVER seen. I got my hair pressed and did my best to sit extra still so that she could get my hair *just* right. My parents even presented me with an Annie doll as we listened to the soundtrack 8-track on the way to the theatre. As I clicked clacked in my shoes all the way thru the theatre to take our seats, I remember being so overwhelmed with joy. The ONLY thing that would make it more perfect is if my mom would just let me have a peppermint (i was a kid, it didn't take much, ok?)

As the houselights dimmed for the first Act, i whispered loudly to my mom, 'CAN I PLEASE HAVE A PEPPERMINT?' She shushed me as the spotlight started to come up... So i whispered a little louder... my dad gave me that stern look. I don't know what crossed my mind but i just knew that if i didn't get that peppermint soon everything would be ruined... so... I yelled... loudly... I SAID I WANT A PEPPERMINT. I don't really think i got the whole phrase out before my dad had scooped me up and escorted me out of the theatre... Those tights did nothing to protect my little legs from the spanking i got. I spent the whole first half of the play out in the lobby sobbing and trying to compose myself.

We went back in during intermission. I was quiet. All the crying wore me out... and so i slept thru the second half. My parents woke me up as the cast was leaving the stage from taking their final bow. We left the theatre and headed home in silence. It wasn't until I lay down for bed that I realized that I had left my Annie doll behind.

Therapy

Once a week I go and spill my guts to some white chick who seems to think that all i need is reassurance and validation. That creates a couple problems... 1) i need a new therapist, 2) I don't like her.

I'm supposed to go talk to her today and quite frankly I'm not looking forward to it. I know what i want to talk about, but I also know how she's going to react. I express fears about infidelity, she tells me that I shouldn't worry because I'm a great person, the bf is lucky to have me and i look at her like she has breasts growing out of her forehead. I don't want to hear that. I want to hear why he seems so nonchalant about what happened. I want to hear why his attempts to reassure me didn't even come close. I want to know why i still don't trust what I've been told. I want to know why I think that even given the chance to come clean he didn't tell me everything. In other words, I want her to answer the questions that he won't.

I swear i just want to curl up into a nice little ball and sleep for like 2 months. Maybe in two months I can wake up and we'll be well into spring and everything will be happy and joyous. Somehow though, I don't think that's ever gonna happen.

I just know i'm tired and a nice long sleep would be nice.

Divorce

I'm 9 days away from the end of my marriage. I honestly don't even know what I feel. Maybe that's because I kind of always knew it would happen. Don't get me wrong, i wanted things to work out and I believed in our relationship. But sometimes people aren't ready.

Some folks have suggested that I didn't take my vows seriously or that I didn't know what marriage was about. I disagree. I knew what I was getting into. What I wasn't expecting was that we'd wind up being so stubborn that we couldn't manage to get to a common ground. I'm greatful for the experience though. I learned A LOT about the type of person I am and what's important to me in a relationship. I learned a lot about love and forgiveness and priorities. I think what hurts the most in all of this is that i know i'm losing a friend. Him and I used to go to shows, hang out and just chill together. Even though we're still cool, I have to often stop myself from calling at 1am to ask "are you watching such-in-such."

I never thought that i'd be divorced, childless and still in school at 31, but this is the path that i'm walking. Somedays it feels nice to be free to pick up and go wherever whenever, but sometimes I wish I had something a little more stable. I've been transient all my life, I think it'd be nice to just stop and stay still for awhile.

Hip Hop

To say that I am a bit of a music snob is probably an understatement. I judge people by what they listen to. I have learned to admit that. Perhaps it's a flaw in my character but whatever. I'm human and that's what we do. If someone ate puppies for dinner you'd judge them, if someone listened to speeches by Charles Manson you'd judge them, so if you listen to the Yin Yang Twins then i'm judgin you, plain and simple.

I think that growing up I was spoiled. Hip hop, for the most part, was just good... or at least better. It was more about the skill. Hell even the 'silly' rappers were talented. Today's hip hop is just the bastard child of it's creators. Maybe that's a little harsh... Either way, I'm being honest. Back in my day (I've always wanted to say that), hip hop was about a lot of the same subjects that we hear today, but it was artful. I'm all for growth but i really feel like this shit out here today is just garbage.

My only hope at this point is that hip hop finds a way to move past its current rut and morph into something that I can look back on in 15 more years and still enjoy.

*Sigh*

Sometimes I just don't know... I don't want to be a fool. I also don't want to do anything foolish. Forgiveness can be seen as a sign of strength and a sign of foolishness. In past relationships I've followed my heart with disastrous results. It seems like I should put my heart on ice and listen to my brain for awhile... but I'm going with my heart again and hoping for the best. The thing about lies in a relationship is that it creates so much doubt. I can forgive damn near anything, but being lied to... that's just a no-go. But, I'm trying. I want to stay in this relationship. I just don't want to spend all my time second-guessing, looking for clues, and being generally paranoid. That's so 1994 and I'll never go back to that again.

But, part of being green is learning when to let your guard down a little. I've never felt like I do in this relationship and 90% of it is really healthy. I'm fortunate enough to have an extremely caring and supportive partner. Someone that I know loves me and that I know wants what's best for me... but nothing is ever perfect. I've been cheated on so many times that I just can't help but be afraid of the possibility of it happening again. I really want a relationship where my partner is my best friend. The only way to have that is to be completely open... and that's hard.

We're tryin though. Nothing worth having comes easily.

Bad Feelings

You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you know something is wrong? I got that feeling. I know I've been lied to by someone very close to me. Like I mean i *know*... on some old saw it with my own eyes shit. I can take a lot of things but being lied to isn't one of them. I don't really trust people, you know. So when I find out that the little bit of trust that i've given has been betrayed, it hurts. A lot. Part of me wants to do the confrontation thing and let him hang himself with his own words. The other part of me wants to try to talk him into telling me the truth so that I can forgive.

I just wanna be able to trust.

God and His Wacky Sense of Humor

When i decided to get back into blogging, i was so glad to be making a change in my life and doing things differently and growing. The idea of things being green is like a rebirth. But last night, it snowed. Things aren't so green right now. I have some issues that I'm still working to fight against a lot of insecurities and issues in my past and sometimes I don't do so well. Last night was one of those nights.I think that sometimes, if you listen carefully and pay close enough attention, you can hear/see God talking to you. I feel like the snow showers were a reminder that even the growth can be temporarily covered up. But once it melts and you see thru it, you can see the growth again.

Dreams

In a little over 3 months I leave for San Francisco. For a month we'll see what it's like to live out west and possibly see what it will take to make a move out there.
If you would have told me a year and a half ago that I would be doing this, I would have laffed in your face... hard. But things are falling into place and this extended vacation/trial run is in the very near future.

We've also decided to drive (as long as gas prices don't go too far over $3.50). I can't wait to get on the road and just start the journey. So many journeys that I'd like to take never get started but thanks to my favorite partner in crime, things are a reality. --Mittens

Finals

It’s almost time for finals. I have a love/hate relationship with finals. On the one hand, studying excites me. I know I’m a nerd… bite me. But it’s like, going thru the material shows me how much I’ve learned. Law School is great because the stuff you learn is relevant (for the most part). You see situations like what you discuss in class everyday and the fact that it’s all so real makes learning… fun.
Finals can be stressful, don’t get me wrong. But for me it’s more of a chance to see what I’ve accomplished and give myself a little pat on the back… Go me! Go me! *does the running man*

Green

On my way to class this evening, i noticed that everything is turning green again. The grass has come back to life, trees are beginning to show the first sign of actual leaves and little green plants are starting to poke thru the surface. For some, spring is all about the flowers and the pinks, yellows and purples, but for me, it's about green. It represents life and vitality and just... newness. I'm green. That sounds kinda corny, but it's true. I'm new these days. I'm not "brand new" but i'm new. New feels good. Half the time i don't know what to expect. But, just like the color green, that excites me. In a few weeks i'll be done with my second year of law school (ie, i'll be half way there). In a few months, I'll be starting one of the most exciting journeys ever. Driving across country... Taking a month off from work, and just seeing the country I've spent enough time telling myself what i can't do and why i can't do it. Now is the time to do what i want and learn how to live and how to just be green.